Leanne and Rhona's Wit-pro diaries
Series 2 of Witless - the great sitcom about a duo in a police witness protection programme - launches on BBC Three on Wednesday 25th January. Ahead of that, we've managed to obtain extracts from the diaries that the characters Leanne and Rhona kept when they first went into hiding. Here they are, un-edited...
Rhona: Didn't imagine last Tuesday when I wanted to file a formal grievance because someone in the office had used my hummus that I'd be writing this but - it's day one in witness protection. Police officer said we might find it helpful, getting through the experience, to keep a diary. I pointed out - couldn't that pose a potentially life-threatening risk if discovered? He said: "Oh yeah, maybe. Well, do what you want". Pretty sure the police is a graduate entry career in Scandinavian countries. Fuck it, maybe I can at least monetise this diary when we get out of this - some sort of book or podcast possibly.
Leanne: Right I was on my way to buy tampons and we saw this guy like fully shoot someone in front of us and now we've had to go into witness protection which actually isnt that bad because I'm a trained actor so its actually nice for once to have a job where people respect your creativity instead of being like - can you just cut my poodles hair the same length all over please. Flat is nice, smells a little bit of old cigarettes 
- but they said we can paint it whatever colour we like 
. Note to self - buy tampons.
Rhona: We've left the flat literally once so far to buy milk and bread (and tampons) and Leanne said to me "It's so hard not to tell people isn't it? You know, about the murder we saw". GRRR. First little test of living under my assumed identity today - the shopkeeper asked me if we lived round here and I said yes. Actually, thinking about it I might've said "yes. OK?". Shit I think I did. Oh it's fine - I'll just be sure to say "OK?" after everything I say to him, sort of like it's a vocal tic.
Leanne: Woke up this morning with clear sense of mission in my mind: is there a zoo in the swindon area? Asked around - no zoo apparently but wildlife park with zip wire reachable by two buses. Strongly feel it will really help sort our heads out right now to spend time with meerkats.
Rhona: Right: FUCKING DISASTER. Leanne has now jacked off the identity the police gave her (the perfectly serviceable 'Lisa Smith') and is insisting her name is "Mystique". Moreover, because she seems to be on a one woman mission to TALK TO EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN SWINDON, we were invited to a party and discovered - via one of those photo collages that I've always vetoed, even in our student house - that the host seems to KNOW THE FUCKING ASSASSIN. Not one to panic, I took the pragmatic approach of attempting to open a line of diplomatic negotiations with the gang - which turned out, unfortunately, to be stifled by some logistical complexities.
Leanne: Rhones went a bit mentals today and tried to talk to the baddies so I had to rescue her from the bogs of a strip club. These two really horrible, obviously criminal men had come in but managed to get us out past them by giving my "Brothel Madam". Delighted when it was later noted the performance had shades of Dame Barbara Windsor who I was totally channelling (along with my Aunty Margaret who isn't a madam but did run a cafe and has been divorced twice).
Rhona: Building a routine now: Do Guardian, Times, 'i' quick crosswords. Bargain Hunt. Bit of crying in my room. Sudoku. This American Life. Mindfulness. Neighbours. Bit more crying in room.
Leanne: As basically predicted by my horoscope, I've met and fallen in love with a man who restores and accessorizes vintage teddy bears and sells them on eBay. Rhona - always looking for the negative, so sad for her 
- keeps pointing out that he knows the killer. But who hasn't got one or two shady mates? Like I know Sinead who does 6 hours a week at the grooming parlour but still claims job seekers.
Rhona: Important not to overlook the positives when in Wit Pro, the small things to be grateful for. For example: Think I've just about managed to dissuade Leanne from maintaining contact with a friend of the killer. The killer who we're an integral part of convicting. Slightly worried when we later visited the library and Leanne took out a trash erotic thriller called 'Forbidden Fruit' (sub-title: 'The Cherry Picker'). I went for both Wolf Hall books - want to at least come out of this ordeal with some critically acclaimed historical fiction under my belt.
Leanne: Feel like it's increasingly difficult for people to believe that my character Mystique hasn't at some point had a screen career??? Might start dropping occasional references during conversation to a recurring role in a European soap opera.
Rhona: Started casually flicking through this book 'Forbidden Fruit' the other day, you know just to see how bad it is. I mean, I'm forty pages in now, I may as well read the other 136. Wolf Hall's not going anywhere is it?
Leanne: Interesting development yesterday in the relationship between mine and Rhona's characters - something we didn't plan on but we've sort of 'found' through the performance which really is how good improvisation should work: we're lezzers. Long story short: Rhona did a rubbish accent in front of our neighbour Jackie so we tried to play it that she was deaf. Seemed like the right choice at the time but it wasn't working and sometimes you have to kill babies. Anyway, this lesbian thing is a much more interesting dynamic for the both of us to play and I can totally believe Mystique might've gone that way after some of the boyfriends she's had.
Rhona: Much like a dog, feel it's absolutely vital I don't allow a precedent to be set of Leanne sleeping in my bed.
Leanne: PATRICK CALLED ME!!!! 
Rhona: Ok - BIG NEWS: Leanne went to see Patrick (AKA Mate of Mr. Gangland Murderer) on the strict agreement that she was breaking up with him. Turns out he called to ask her to look after one of his "hand-restored teddy bears" (Charlie Littlepockets) because there's "been a speight of robberies". Unfortunately for him, I've done a free online course in Criminology so immediately suspected foul play - and discovered a gun sewn into the bear! Not just any gun either - by my reckoning, the gun. Obviously will do the sensible thing - take a pic of myself holding it and then hand straight into the police. Then hopefully this whole nonsense will be wrapped up with the week and I can get back to finding out which prick took my hummus.
BCG would like to thank Joe Tucker and Lloyd Woolf for their help in obtaining these diary extracts.
Witless Series 2 will be on BBC Three from Wednesday 25th January. In the meantime you can catch-up on all the episodes from Series 1 via BBC iPlayer