Warren United

Warren

Warren is the overweight father of two who sits at the heart of the show.

He often regrets that he's not the athlete he once was but actually, he never was the athlete he once was. Although he once trialled for an obscure team in the Isthmian Conference League, the closest he's ever come to a proper place on a club team was when he was, for a short period of time, the man inside Ronnie the Rhino, mascot of the Metropolitan Police Football Club.

He's a loving husband and a good father. He knows he's no longer the sexy beast he once felt he was, but Ingrid, his wife, has reassured him that she likes her men big. So she should be getting fonder of him all the time then.

This is also the approach he brings to his work as Customer Care Manager at Kitchen Magic, one of the nation's leading cut-price kitchen outlets. It takes a lot to get Warren upset, which makes him an excellent choice for someone who has to deal with often quite angry members of the public. Yes, however legitimate your complaint - he just doesn't care.

His one great passion is The Meringues, his local football team. That's something he will get excited about.

Ingrid

Ingrid first met Warren when he fell asleep drunk in her front garden in Eindhoven after one of the Meringue's rare moments in Europe. She felt sorry for him and has continued to do so ever since.

She's an intelligent woman and has a ready wit, which she usually deploys at Warren's expense. He never takes offence though because he rarely understands.

Charlie

Charlie is Warren and Ingrid's thirteen-year-old daughter.

Charlotte prefers to call herself Charlie. She always dresses in black and can't understand why people look so happy. They must be stupid.

Can't they see it's an awful world in which we're all stumbling blindly through pointless, meaningless lives. Her nihilism is all encompassing - right up to the point where she borrows money from you.

Harrison

Harrison is Warren and Ingrid's seven-year-old son. He's also a Meringues fan but disappoints Warren because there are other things in his life apart from football. He likes football but then he likes everything. In this respect he's the polar opposite of Charlie.

Dillip

Dillip is an Anglo-Asian Sales Manager at Kitchen Magic and is Warren's closest friend. When something confuses Warren, or disturbs him, it is Dillip who he turns to.

As Warren is confused and disturbed much of the time, he talks to Dillip quite a lot. This is not a bad course of action because Dillip is far more sensible than Warren and has a philosophical way of looking at everything the world throws in Warren's direction.

Warren's Mum

Warren's Mum lives with the family but is very independent. She has an active social life and an eventful love life, (which Warren finds distasteful and unnecessary).

She has extremely bad manners and doesn't care. To tell her she's obviously getting her second wind would only invite a cheap gag from her which needn't concern us here.

Reggie

Reggie is Mum's current boyfriend. He's a well-groomed aging lothario who knows he's struck pay-dirt with Mum. Think the love-child of David Niven and Johnny Vegas.

Fat Baz

Fat Baz, the Brainsford United Manager, is old school: a manager who speaks his mind and says it as he sees it.

He's worked his way up through the ranks but in many ways he's still one of the fans, even if the fans are giving him grief. He wants to be left to coach the players without being dragged into the politics of the club.

Fat Baz is a character and football needs characters.

Trevor The Horse

Trevor is one of the police horses stationed outside the ground every Saturday. He works together with Michael, and the duo give their views on match day issues and indeed any other subject that grabs their attention.

Michael The Horse

Michael and Trevor the horses, stationed outside the football ground, would sound pretty much like a Test Match commentary team... except they manage to achieve the rare feat of being simultaneously well-spoken and foul-mouthed.

Gavin

Gavin is Harrison's friend from school. Gavin is not gay. He's just interested in a lot of things most boys aren't too bothered with. Poetry, art, interior design, Barbra Streisand, Judy Garland, shoes, hair... the list is endless.

Burger Al

Burger Al runs the lard and salt concession that our characters invariably stop at on their way to or from the ground.

He's a background character who occasionally catches our eye as he picks a burger off the floor and blows it clean before placing it in a bun. He also has a stock of zinging one-liners to undercut whatever conversation he's just overheard.