Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps

Jonny is ill and thinks he's dying. Janet reckons he's just trying to get out of a job interview.

Jonny is ill and thinks he's dying. Janet reckons he's just trying to get out of a job interview, like the time he had to meet her mother and said he had 'swarfega fever'. Donna is worried that Jonny isn't really ill and is just pretending to avoid her because she's moved in with him and Janet.

Gaz nurses Jonny, applying cold compresses and singing him songs from childrens' telly. Louise buys a puppy with the last of her fag money and sets about proving she's a conscientous dog owner. Doggy torture follows as she dresses the pup in outfits that match her own. The pup is released from its torment when it gets run over by a lorry.

Flo is overjoyed when she finds Donna at home, thinking her daughter has returned to her 'wonderfully pert bosom'. Turns out Donna had just forgotten that she'd left home. Gaz finally summons up the courage to ask Donna to move in with him. He can't iron and she can't fix things. it's a match made in heaven, together they can fix an iron.

Meanwhile Janet runs into her old flame Andy and lands up snogging him. The whole sordid affair is witnessed by Gaz and Louise and, surprise surprise, Louise lets the cat out of the bag in front of Jonny.