Trollied

Final episode in the second series. Valco is about to celebrate its millionth customer and the store is decked out accordingly. Gavin is being unbearably cheerful as usual while his staff struggle to muster any enthusiasm at all. Julie is thrilled to receive a dinner invitation, Andy gets ready to say farewell to the meat counter for good, and Leyton spends the episode dressed as a giant tick. It's unquestionably sweet, but the gags seemed to desert it this series. There's only so much heart-warming eye-rolling a person can take.

Certain staff members aren't at the top of their game this week. The loss of his pet dog results in Gavin having lapses in concentration, the worst of which involves pinning a sheet of A4 containing the salaries of every employee to the notice board. And a mistake on the rota leads to Leighton working three consecutive days and nights. It's only the scatty Margaret who's full of beans: she's busy counting her footsteps thanks to her new pedometer. Only she keeps calling it a "paedo-meter", which, as you can imagine, raises a few eyebrows.

Anyone who's wrestled with a self-service checkout will be heartened by Colin's response to a customer's "unexpected item in the bagging area" problem. Valco's most subversive element saunters over, presses a few buttons and says, "Yeah, they're s**t these things. Just take it. I would." At the other end of any staff satisfaction survey is Andy, who chooses to spend all day in the store despite being on holiday. And if you thought he looked like an Adonis in his butcher's hat and apron, just wait until you see him in a khaki gilet and with a leather bum bag nestled under his paunch. What a guy.

It's fire drill day and Gavin's excited by his warden's kit bag: "Ah, the holy trinity," he sighs with awe, "the torch, the whistle and the hi-viz jacket." In the excitement of the store evacuation, he forgets Margaret.

The guilt he feels that she could have burned to death is enough to tarnish the fact that he's back in control after getting shot of Lorraine.

Speaking of whom, there is a definite Stephanie Beacham-shaped hole in this episode, but thankfully the plight of lovestruck Colin (fabulous Carl Rice) proves enough to take our minds off her absence.

The psychopathic Lorraine is convinced that staff members are pilfering stock, so sets about exposing miscreants with the fervour of Joseph McCarthy. "This is a breach of my human rights," says Andy as he's asked to turn out his pockets and open his locker. "Gandhi would have a fit if he could see this." He might also have had a fit if he'd seen what's in Andy's pockets. Luckily, the normally mousy Gavin comes into his own and confronts Lorraine on the shop floor.

Let's just say that the spectacle that follows stops customers in the "ten-items-or-less" aisle dead in their tracks.

Stephanie Beacham interview

"I looked up Dragons' Den's Hilary Devey on the internet... she was part of the inspiration for Lorraine, because she's a great northern character".

He thinks he's the fount of all wisdom, but butcher Andy really can be clueless. And in tonight's Trollied, he finds that his gaydar is definitely on the fritz after failing to notice that his buddy Ian the security guard is in a relationship with another man. But it's not all angst at Valco because, hurray, Leighton's back on the shop floor.

You can stand Colin and Lisa front of store, tell them to smile and give them straw boaters, but the result is never going to be Me and My Girl. Pretty soon they're comparing notes on how to skive off (Lisa keeps a travel cushion in the lavatory cistern so she can go for a nap in the toilets) and the best tactics to get revenge on customers. Colin's best tip, by the way, is to plant security tags in their trouser pockets and watch them head for the exit.

Area manager Gavin may not be impressed by the decision to put Valco's laziest members of staff in full view of the public, but it's an inspired move in terms of comedy value. This is the strongest episode in what's been a consistently reliable series.

Leighton's new-found drive to save the planet puts him in the mire when he switches off the freezers at the supermarket (he thinks he's just turning off the lights) and defrosts all the frozen goods. Julie (Jane Horrocks) wants to give him another chance, Lorraine (Stephanie Beacham) wants to give him the sack. "Never let your emotions get the better of you," she tells her deputy. The only time Lorraine ever welled up was when her dog got put down. And that was only because she had to do it herself. With a mallet.

As for poor Leighton, you might just start crying yourself when he's given the bad news. Surely, this can't be the end of his story? Valco just wouldn't be the same without him.

Having soldiered on through bronchitis, hepatitis and two bouts of scarlet fever, Lorraine (Stephanie Beacham) isn't exactly sympathetic when workers ring in sick. So when a flu epidemic strikes Valco, she rages against her colleagues before plugging gaps in the rota. Butcher Andy is put on the deli counter, while Leighton gets his big chance on the tills. Before you know it, he's jeopardising the store's alcohol licence by selling 2-for-1 bottles of cider to kids in school uniform.