The Grumpy Guide To...

What everyone forgets about Christmas is that it's a gigantic, weird nightmare: the nation syncs up to exchange disappointing gifts and gnaw stuffing that tastes like twice-cooked cardboard. So thank Santa for these curmudgeons - and it's now a mixed-gender complaints fest - who snarl in the face of festive bounty, traditions and gift-giving.

If, like them, you're a proud Grinch, then you'll lap up their guide to all things that people of an older persuasion like to moan about at Christmas.

Sir Cliff's Mistletoe and Wine gets a toasting, as does the implausibly popular culinary combination of turkey with cranberry sauce ("basically, chicken with jam", says Ronni Ancona).

Al Murray writes off "the joys of giving", while Ozzy Osbourne says he was grateful for that near-fatal quad bike accident, because it mean that year he missed Christmas altogether: "It's not good will to all men. It's just b******s." Glad to see his injury didn't dent his legendary articulacy.