Red Dwarf

Quotes

Closing theme tune lyrics

It's cold outside,
There's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone,
More or less.
Let me fly,
Far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun,
In the sun, sun, sun.

I want to lie,
Shipwrecked and comatose,
Drinking fresh,
Mango juice;
Goldfish shoals,
Nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun,
In the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun,
In the sun, sun, sun.

Kryten: What about the Space Corp Directive which states that it is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information and wherever possible bring them home?

Rimmer: What about the Rimmer Directive which states never tangle with anything which has more teeth than the entire Osmond family?

Kryten: Well Space Corp Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must give up his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.

Rimmer: Yes but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: 'no chance you metal bastard'.

Rimmer: Kryten you're forgetting Space Corp Directive 1742.

Kryten: 1742? No member of the Corp should report for duty in a ginger toupee.

Rimmer: May I remind you all of Space Corp Directive 34124.

Kryten: 34124? No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.

Rimmer: I've no idea who you are but boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender, and as prisoners of war I invoke the all nations agreement article 39436175880932-B.

Kryten: 39436175880932-B? All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space?

Rimmer: Can't you let just ONE go? I was talking about the right of POW's to non-violent constraint.

Kryten: But that's 75880932-C sir.

Rimmer: That's it I'm invoking Space Corp Directive 68250.

Kryten: 68250? But sir surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi?

Kryten: Mr Lister sir can't you see that your behaviour is totally irrational?

Rimmer: In which case we can relive him of duty as per Space Corp Directive 196156.

Kryten: 196156? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial. Hmm, I'm sorry sir but that doesn't quite get to the nub of the matter for me.

Lister explaining his future plans about his farm on Fiji to Rimmer.

Lister: I'm gonna get a sheep and a cow and breed horses.
Rimmer: With a sheep and a cow?
Lister: No, with horses and horses!

in Series I, Episode 1

Lister explaining to the Cat that there's no room for all his clothes

Lister: - You can take two suits and that's it.
Cat: Two suits?! Then I'm staying.
Lister: You can't stay. By the time I come out, you'll be dead.
Cat: Two suits is dead!

in Series I, Episode 2

Rimmer and Lister having an argument about bringing Kochanski's hologram back

Rimmer: You don't know when to stop, do you, Lister? I'm your superior!

Lister: Technician was the lowest rank on this ship. The man who changed the bog rolls was higher than us!

in Series I, Episode 3

Lister trying to explain to Cat why he, Lister, is the Cat God!

Lister: No! What I'm saying is that over those three million years, your entire race of people evolved from my pet cat.

Cat: Ah, I gotta go now, man. But let's do lunch sometime. I'll put it in my diary: 12:30, lunch with God. And, ah, formal dress, you know what I'm saying?

Lister: It is true, you know.

Cat: Yeah? Then I gotta ask you the ultimate question. If you're God, why that face?

Lister: What's wrong with me face?

Cat: What's wrong with your face? It's upside down and inside out, that's what's wrong with it.

in Series I, Episode 4

Lister wondering why Confidence has picked up his cigarette end

Lister: What are you doing with that cigarette butt?

Confidence: Oh, you've embarrassed me now. It's just that your lips have touched it. Your lips! The King's kissing lips!

in Series I, Episode 5

The Cat roams around Red Dwarf with a megaphone, calling for his mate!

Hello, hello! Testing, testing! One, one, one. Me, me, me! Attention, all lady cats! I am feeling very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats?! My body is available! Please form a queue! No squabbling! This is your lucky day!

Cat (Danny John-Jules) in Series I, Episode 6

Lister picks up his boxer shorts that Kryten has washed and ironed

No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend!

Lister (Craig Charles) in Series II, Episode 1

Rimmer talking about the meal he attempted to cook

Rimmer: Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round. Obviously you can't expect perfection first time, but I was quite delighted with how my dumplings went down.

Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce.

in Series II, Episode 2

Rimmer trying to ask Holly for the rather unusual triple fried egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney

Rimmer: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with...
Lister: With chilli sauce and chutney.
Holly: You what?
Lister: It's a state of the art sarny.
Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.

in Series II, Episode 3

The Cat looks down at a naked man in the shower room

Don't worry. It's personality that counts.

Cat (Danny John-Jules) in Series II, Episode 4

When Lister tells the Cat to wear gloves to keep his hands protected

Marigold with blue, are you crazy!?

Cat (Danny John-Jules) in Series II, Episode 5

Deb Lister explaining male pregnancy

Deb: It's the man's responsibility. It's the man who gets pregnant. It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth.

Rimmer: Agony! This gets better and better!

in Series II, Episode 6

Rimmer and Lister realising what its like going to the toilet in a backwards universe!

Rimmer: Where's the Cat?

Lister: He won't be long. He's just...you know...in the bushes.

(They exchange glances)

Lister: We've got to stop him!

(The cat comes out of the bushes doing a slightly strange walk)

in Series III, Episode 1

Rimmer telling Lister where he lost his virginity

Rimmer: Sandra, she was called. We did it in the back of my brother's car.

Lister: What was it like?

Rimmer: Oh, brilliant. Incredible. (Goes glassy-eyed) Bentley convertible. V8 turbo. Walnut veneer panelling. Marvellous machine.

in Series III, Episode 2

Rimmer turns into a bit of a geek with a pipe and a beard and takes over with suggestions of how to kill the Polymorph

Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and we hit if fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign, and while it's reeling from that we'd follow up with a whist drive, a car boot sale, some street theatre and possibly even some benefit concerts.

Rimmer (Chris Barrie) in Series III, Episode 3

Rimmer and Lister having a discussion about why they can't sleep

Rimmer: Probably those kippers you had for supper.

Lister: Nothin' wrong with kippers for supper.

Rimmer: But kippers vindaloo? Can't be good for you.

in Series III, Episode 4

Rimmer decides to selfishly 'rescue' Lister from his new, rich life

It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!

Rimmer (Chris Barrie) in Series III, Episode 5

The Dwarfers vow to support Kryten

Kryten: "Is this the human value you call 'friendship'?

Lister: Don't give me this Star Trek crap, Kryten, it's too early in the morning!

in Series III, Episode 6

Kryten tries out his best lines on Camille

Uh, listen, I - I know this is going to sound like a corny line, but has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?

Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) in Series IV, Episode 1

Kryten shows Lister a poloroid of... a certain body part!

Kryten: I want to know is that normal?

Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!

in Series IV, Episode 2

The Cat looks at the sealed escape pod, longingly

What a dilemma. Inside that pod is either death or a date. Personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.

Cat (Danny John-Jules) in Series IV, Episode 3

Lister having an argument with the very annoying Talkie Toaster

Lister: We don't LIKE muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and DEFINITELY no smegging flapjacks!

Toaster: Aah, so you're a waffle man!

in Series IV, Episode 4

The Cat breaks his leg when Red Dwarf crashes

Lister: Kryten, get the First Aid box. We have to clean this up, make sure he doesn't get gangrene.

Cat: Gangrene? You think I might get gangrene?

Lister: Yeah.

Cat: Hey, that might work! Green with apricot - I think I could pull that off!

in Series IV, Episode 5

Kryten tries to transport him and Lister to Starbug, but ends up taking them to the shower cubicle by mistake

Kryten: I'm sorry about that sir. I neglected to engage the depth function.

Lister: We'll walk, Kryten. We'll walk.

in Series IV, Episode 6

Rimmer is taken by the Holoship

Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer!

Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!

in Series V, Episode 1

The Cat justifies his existence with a rather vain reason

Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.

Inquisitor: That's true.

Cat: Can I go now?

Inquisitor: That's your case?

Cat: You need more?!

in Series V, Episode 2

Kryten explaining to Lister about a psi-moon

Kryten: Well, each person's mindscape is unique but we could well encounter, say, Mr. Rimmer's lust personified as some kind of slobbering, rampaging beast.

Lister: Rimmer's lust monster?! Urrgh.

in Series V, Episode 3

Rimmer appears on the screen looking rather crazed after contracting the holo-virus

Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?

Cat: No, of course not. It's just that we thought you had gone nuts! We were trying to humour you.

in Series V, Episode 4

Lister and Cat are in the lap of luxury when they taste a nice Pot Noodle!

I tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.

Lister (Craig Charles) in Series V, Episode 5

The cat has been turned into a complete geek

What the hell's happened to my teeth?! I can open beer bottles with my overbite!

Cat (Danny John-Jules) in Series V, Episode 6

The crew are trying to decide which is Lister, because they know one has to be the psiren

Rimmer: Play the guitar.
Lister: Here? Inside?
Rimmer: Play it.

(The first Lister belts out a brilliant tune on the electric guitar. The crew shoot him with the bazookoids.)

Lister: How did you know that wasn't me?
Cat: Cos that dude could play!

in Series VI, Episode 1

Lister reads a magazine while chomping on some grilled space weevil!

Lister: Some smegger's filled in this 'Have You Got A Good Memory' quiz.

Kryten: But that was you, sir. Last week. Don't you remember?

Lister: Was it?

Kryten: Hmm. Look: Nobody else spells 'Thursday' with an 'F'.

in Series VI, Episode 2

When Kryten appears to be losing the battle against the virus, the crew wonder what they can do to help

Cat: Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around someplace that can do that? And if not (punches hand) why not?!

Rimmer: Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.

in Series VI, Episode 3

Kryten realises that very little survived Starbug's crash

Well, at least Mr Lister's guitar survived intact...

(The Cat takes it from him and smashes it on the floor.)

... not even Mr Lister's guitar survived intact.

Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) in Series VI, Episode 4

Lister trying to talk the Simulant round

Lister: Actually, as far as psychotically deranged ruthless killer simulants go, you're a bit of a babe! What are you doing tonight?

Simulant: Dying! Care to join me?

in Series VI, Episode 5

After going through an un-reality pocket, the crew believe Lister to be a mechanoid

Cat: This is gonna crack him up. Devastate him. Who's gonna tell him?

Rimmer: I'll write you into my will if you let it be me!

in Series VI, Episode 6

The Dwarfers are stuck in time, and Kryten has just cooked them a meal

Cat: Chicken's good.
Lister: Yeah, really good.
Kryten: That's not chicken, sir.
Cat: Oh, what is it?
Kryten: It's that man we found.

in Series VII, Episode 1

The crew are all delighted to see Ace again...apart from Rimmer!

Kryten: So, what have you been up to, sir?

Ace: Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals and had my highlights done!

Cat: What a guy!

in Series VII, Episode 2

Rimmer and Lister having another argument in a flashback

Rimmer: Oh ha, ha!

Lister: Rimmer, people who say 'ha, ha' have no sense of humour, they can't think of a witty retort.

Rimmer: (pause) Oh ha, ha!

in Series VII, Episode 3

Kochanski finds life aboard Red Dwarf with the guys hard work

Kochanski: I can't live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I've always hated showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll say??

Kryten: Erm, you hate showers?

Kochanski: You see! Even you know, and you hardly know me!

in Series VII, Episode 4

The Cat gets sick of Lister talking about Rimmer

He won't throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them.

Cat (Danny John-Jules) in Series VII, Episode 5

Kryten drives a World War 2 tank into the Pride & Prejudice world

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I said supper is ready!

(then he blows up the gazebo)

Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) in Series VII, Episode 6

Epideme talking to Lister

Davey, come oooon. You ve got a virus, it's fatal, it happens. It doesn't mean we can't be friends!

in Series VII, Episode 7

Cat talking to Lister after he has lost his arm

You're probably thinking is this gonna affect my life? And I've been thinking about this and the answer is... Yes it is.

Cat (Danny John-Jules) in Series VII, Episode 8

Kryten explaining to the Red Dwarf psychiatrist what Lister means to him

He helped me break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud!

I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: 'you have a very fine hair cut!'

Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) in Series VIII, Episode 1

Kryten explaining to Kochanski why he's been classified as a woman

Kochanski: So, you mean, you've never had a steak, pie, peas and chips set?

Kryten: I think the phrase is 'meat and two veg', ma'am.

in Series VIII, Episode 2

Kryten bringing the Dwarfers good moods to a halt!

Kochanski: There's nothing on the scanner for a thousand mile radius... We're in the clear, guys!

Lister: Yes, oh yes!

Kryten: I don't believe we are, ma'am...

Cat: What's up?

Kryten: According to the supplies inventory we're frighteningly low on... oh, and everyone was so happy, I can barely say it out loud...

Rimmer: What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?

Kryten: Worse! Fabric softener!

in Series VIII, Episode 3

Cassandra tells Rimmer that Lister is going to die aged 181 while removing a bra with his teeth!

Lister: Who's bra?

Cat: A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own!

Lister: Come on, no. Taking a bra off with me teeth, aged one-hundred and eighty-one. That's a hell of a sexy way to go!

Kryten: So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.

in Series VIII, Episode 4

Lister explaining why he has to be on his best behaviour due to his prison appeal

Cat: Appeal?

Lister: Yeah, I'm appealing.

Holly: That's a minority view!

in Series VIII, Episode 5

Lister and Rimmer talking about how disgusting the prison meals are

Lister: We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.

Rimmer: Because we're on punishment detail?

Lister: Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.

Rimmer: You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you?

in Series VIII, Episode 6

Captain Hollister explaining what happened when they tried to capture Pete the dinosaur

Hollister: Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink, after it's burped?

Rimmer: It feels sick?

Hollister: Oh no! It doesn't feel sick, Rimmer - it is sick! Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

in Series VIII, Episode 7

Lister explaining how he acquired a scar on his forehead

Rimmer: You've got a scar? When did you get that?

Lister: Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - you know 'most accidents happen in the home, so be careful' ones? I accidentally stabbed myself in the head with one.

Rimmer: Where were you?

Lister: I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.

in Series VIII, Episode 8

McIntyre explains the concept of holography

I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead. More of someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages.

McIntyre (Robert McCulley) in Series I, Episode 1

Lister enquires as to Rimmer's new holographic state

Lister: "What does it feel like?"

Rimmer: "Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."

in Series I, Episode 1

Lister complains that, of everyone, Holly chose to bring back Rimmer

Hermann Göring would've been more of a laugh than Rimmer! I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed transvestite, but at least we could've gone dancing.

Lister (Craig Charles) in Series I, Episode 3

Rimmer, Lister and Cat experiment with a stasis leak

Rimmer: "I wonder, can we bring anybody back?"

(Lister picks up a bar of soap. They step through the stasis leak.)

Lister: "Not unless we want them turned into powder."

Cat: "Who were you thinking of bringing back?"

Rimmer: "Me."

Cat: "Let's do it!"

in Series II, Episode 4

Rimmer believes the Captain to be an hallucination

Now kindly cluck off before I extract your giblets and shove a large, seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with.

Rimmer (Chris Barrie) in Series II, Episode 4

Rimmer and Kryten discuss the latter's disguise on Earth

Kryten: If people see my face what are they going to think?

Rimmer: Tell 'em you had an accident! Tell them you took your car to the crusher's and forgot to get out.

in Series III, Episode 1

Kryten attempts to woo fellow mechanoid Camille

The way the light catches all the angles in your head, it's enchanting.

Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) in Series IV, Episode 1