About Pets
Pets is a little-known adult puppet sitcom that was broadcast late night on Channel 4 between 2001 and 2002. Written, created and produced by Andrew Barclay and Brian West, it was a show that involved a range of unusual ideas with a bout of sheer rudeness thrown in.
Plot
The entire series is set in a house occupied by four anthropomorphic animals. The head of the household is a large red setter called Hamish (played by Ian Angus Wilkie). He sees himself as something of an intellectual, and always has his face (or rather muzzle) in a book or some such periodical. However, his fellow housemates share little interest in his intellect. Hamish often gets depressed by this, and thus regularly tries to escape from them, sometimes by trying to commit suicide.
Hamish's housemates include Trevor the bulldog (played by Barclay). Trevor, while at times showing some cleverness, more often than not is found reading hardcore pornography, humping the furniture and swearing at everyone around him.
Then there is Davina the Cat (Sally Elsden). She is a Persian Blue who is bitter about everything in the universe. Part of this problem stems from her never seen 'Boyfriend' Vince, who is always writing completely fabricated letters to her explaining his absence. Davina often mulls over how she will kill him, in between flushing blood-filled plastic bags down the lavatory and getting addicted to a wide range of drugs.
Lastly, there is JP (Petros Emanual), a bald Afrikaans parrot who lost all of his feathers in a card game. JP lives in a world all of his own, coming up with an assortment of bizarre thoughts on the world, while looking after a dead goldfish and trying to pull Davina. He also likes to drink his own urine.
Each of the 11-minute long episodes involve some kind of surreal plot. Episodes have included finding a portal to another dimension in an airing cupboard, Hamish seeing a vision of the Archangel Gabriel in the downstairs toilet and Trevor entering Stars In Their Eyes as Marilyn Monroe.
There are 27 episodes of Pets in total (including the never broadcast pilot). The series has been shown in the UK, Australia, the Middle East and Italy, a country in which the puppets became so popular that they got their own chat-show on MTV. Pets is becoming more popular in the UK now too thanks to the entire series being made available to download from sites such as iTunes.
PetSpeak
Pets includes a wide range of invented words in order to be rude while being acceptable to the censor. He is a list of words invented.
Bolivers n. Canine testicles.
Buffing the vampire slayer - To masturbate furiously.
Catsnatch n. The genitals of a female cat.
Collopy n. Small cat turd.
Dogstar n. Arse or arsehole.
Egghatch n. Parrot's anus.
Emptying the custard bag - Routine canine ejaculation.
Eyegrout v. To perform cunnilingus on a cat.
Feather dick n. Canine nickname for a parrot.
Gutgrimace v. - To go to the toilet.
Growler n. - Canine erection.
Hewitt n. - Toilet.
Karzo n. - Lavatory.
Lagwit n. - Parrot.
Pink-whippet n. - Canine penis.
Pugbox n. - The genitals of a small female dog.
Savaloy supper n. Canine felatio.
Spag v. - To mate with a large rodent.
Spangle n. - Canine semen.
Spangle blisters n. - Canine testicles.
Spangle sacks n. - See "Spangle blisters".
Spaniel-tits n. - One with nipples like a female spaniel.