Have I Got News For You

The guest presenter for this opening episode is newsreader and Mastermind host Clive Myrie. Jon Richardson returns as a panellist while journalist Marianna Spring makes her debut.

This opening episode is guest-hosted by BBC newsreader and Mastermind presenter Clive Myrie, who makes his 5th appearance in the guest host's chair.

Alongside Paul Merton, comedian Jon Richardson also returns to the HIGNFY panel tonight, making his 13th appearance on the programme, having last appeared in 2022.

Making her debut alongside Ian Hislop is BBC disinformation specialist & social media correspondent Marianna Spring.

The teams weren't short of big news stories to get stuck straight into for the first episode of the new series, with 2024 election campaigns ramping up in both the US and the UK, increasingly polluted rivers sparking questions for the bosses of private water companies, Putin recently being re-elected for a record presidential term in Russia, and the tragic deaths of seven aid workers in an Israeli air strike in Gaza.

Ian Hislop gave his thoughts about the UK's sewage pollution crisis, with questions being asked of the bosses of private water companies, as rivers in the north of England experience the highest rates of waste discharge in the country.

"This is the dreadful case about the state of our rivers and the seas being heavily polluted by these water authorities," started Merton.

"What has recently been discovered in a harbour near Portsmouth?" asked Myrie.

"It's not all the money stolen by the water companies over the years is it?" replied Hislop, pointedly.

"You say stolen?" queried Merton.

"Yes, well the water companies since they were privatised have basically just run up debt. They haven't built anything new, they haven't invested anything. They've literally borrowed money in order to give it to their shareholders and investors. And again, I think this is theft..." pointed out Hislop.

Talk soon turned to the US, with their impending presidential election in 2024, and President Biden likely to face Donald Trump in another presidential race this year.

"As many as 70% of Americans have said that they don't want a Biden v Trump rematch. The oldest people to run for the presidency in US history. So why are we here with two old timers once again battling it out?" joked Myrie, slyly looking to his right and left at Ian and Paul.

"It's a very simple answer - half past three," quipped Hislop.

"We don't care. What time's dinner?" Merton joked.

"A man in Texas intends to run for President, and in preparation, has legally changed his name to 'Literally Anyone Else'," Myrie laughed.

Vladimir Putin was also discussed, having won a record new term in Russia's recent general election, giving him six more years in power. A recent article in Paris Match magazine made a rather eye-raising claim about his toileting habits while on foreign visits.

"Vladimir Putin won a landslide victory in Russia's recent general election. A result announced just a few minutes before the election actually took place," joked Myrie, before asking a bemused panel, "Does anyone know why Putin defecates into a briefcase?"

"I don't know! Why does Putin defecate into a briefcase?" Merton jollily replied.

"According to an article in Paris Match magazine, when he's abroad, his bodily waste is placed in a dedicated briefcase for the journey home. Leaving nothing behind that could be analysed to give away anything about his health. So there you go...," Myrie replied, to a slightly stunned panel.

"That's the most incredible use of 'there you go'. He shits in a briefcase, no more questions, thank you very much..." laughed Jon Richardson.

"Does he take a suitcase with him in case he gets diarrhoea?" quipped Merton, to disgusted groans from the audience.

Seven aid workers from the World Central Kitchen were killed this week in an Israeli air strike in Gaza, as Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu acknowledged that the Israeli military had tragically, and unintentionally, hit "innocent people". In a more serious moment on tonight's show, Ian Hislop gave his thoughts as to whether this could prove to be a turning point in the war.

"This is the belated realisation that perhaps Israel's war isn't entirely proportionate or targeted. The tipping points of the war is now that three British aid workers have been killed, whereas 30,000 Palestinians have been killed in the war. It's grim but true, if you kill people who aren't Palestinians, then it suddenly becomes unacceptable. But it might be a turning point," said Hislop.

"How has Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu explained the deadly strike?" asked host Clive Myrie.

"By basically saying it was an accident," replied Marianna Spring.

"Yeah, he said 'these things happen in war'," Paul Merton concurred.

"It's not very good. I mean, the head of the Israeli army actually apologised. But Netanyahu... no. I mean there are huge rallies against Netanyahu in Israel at the moment," Hislop continued.

"He said the attack on the aid convoy was 'a mistake that followed misidentification'. What is significant about President Biden's reaction to the attack?" Myrie queried.

"Well America has supported Israel's right to defend itself all the way through, but that is now changing and he said that enough's enough and Israel have got to change the way they pursue the war," Hislop replied.

"Yeah, President Biden said in a statement that he was outraged and heartbroken," said Myrie.

"He's so furious he's just signed a new arms shipment... and that's cross," Hislop pointed out, sarcastically.