Green Wing

Quotes

Talking about Guy

"Join me again next week on this episode of "Let's make no fucking sense" when I will be waxing an owl."

Mac Macartney (Julian Rhind-Tutt) in Series 1, Episode 4

Joanna dumps Statham

Joanna [on answering machine]: "It's over, Alan. Don't contact me. You will never feel my super-vagina again."

Alan: "I, I, I wish people would leave a name!"

in Series 1, Episode 7

Mac on what he thinks about when Switzerland is mentioned

I see a chocolate Phil Collins popping out of a cuckoo clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.

Mac Macartney (Julian Rhind-Tutt) in Series 1, Episode 5

Guy talking about Sue - to Sue

Do you know what I like about you? [pause] Fuck all.

Guy Secretan (Stephen Mangan) in Series 1, Episode 6

Joanna complains about Alan's attempt to spice up their love life

Joanna: "What kind of masked kidnapper are you?"

Alan: "Well, one who is loathe to contravene local by-laws, actually."

in Series 1, Episode 5

Guy: "I feel safe here. It reminds me of..."

Sue: "Being locked away as a boarding-school boy for tampering with your down-belows?"

Guy: "Yes.... NO!"

Guy on Martin's outfit for the housewarming party

"Oh look, it's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla. What are you, the eighth dwarf, Twatty? You know, even if you were from the future you'd still be wrong. Actually do you know what I like about this outfit? Fuck all."

Guy Secretan (Stephen Mangan) in Series 1, Episode 5

Martin talks to Guy about his previous love experience

Martin: "You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive."

Guy: "Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want."

in Series 1, Episode 1

Caroline asks Mac about his job interview

Caroline: "How was the interview?"

Mac: "Not sure... think I might have used the words 'job', 'stick', 'up' and 'arse' all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?"

in Series 1, Episode 6

Guy: "I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap."

Mac: "One baseball cap?"

Caroline: "Please can I have a quick word?"

Mac: "Zoom. Whoosh. There's two for you."

Guy: "Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?"

Mac: "What, kill an unemployed person?"

Dr Statham's woeful attempt to re-assure a porter that he wasn't doing what it very much looked like - comparing measurements with a corpse

Erm... you may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse.

Alan Statham (Mark Heap) in Series 1, Episode 1

Guy's attempt to talk Cockney

Guy: "I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog."

Mac: "Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you."

in Series 1, Episode 8

Sue goes clothes shopping with Martin

Sue: "Have you got a hoodie?"

Martin: "Actually I've been circumcised."

in Series 1, Episode 5

Boyce after he has bought Statham at the slave auction

I bought you for 30p!

Boyce (Oliver Chris) in Series 1, Episode 8

Caroline: "You are so irritating!"

Guy: "You know what you do with an irritation? You rub it with cream!"