Two Vajazzles And A Spray Tan

By: Kate Wilson

Sitcom Mission 2012 finalist

It's Fiona's 49th birthday but thanks to Chris Evans and her hapless husband the universe thinks she's 50. After the initial apocalypse and a rousing epiphany she sets about making the most of her stolen year by proving to the world that she's not just a menopausal wannabe beautician with a lust for electrical hardware.

Armed with a bucket list of must dos and a nemesis in the form of Gemma Flack (no tits, thick ankles), Fiona sets about beating her adversary in a race for a single coveted position at Pout Beauty Emporium. Just two vajazzles and a spraytan lie between her and the title of Spraytan Facilitator.

Revenge, murder and seduction rather than world peace and donating to a donkey sanctuary make up her wish list but things don't always go to plan. When her electrician husband brings gridlock to the South East and is voted the most hated man in Britain by Nuts magazine, she turns to best friend Ally, the Glaswegian biology teacher with a penchant for disembowelling anything, for some hands-on support.

Credits

Kate Wilson

Having spent her formative years signing on in North London (acting), Kate Wilson decided that rather than continuing her quest to become the next Angelina or Dame Judy she would get a proper job, a husband and a couple of kids.

Through a series of curious incidents, including a dodgy deal with a crooked mortgage broker, an unexpected pregnancy and an encounter in a soft play area, she soon found herself living in the Home Counties with a musician from Corby and their baby son. Never one to hang around or stick to her socialist principles she was also lured into a Drama teaching post at a posh boys' Grammar school in High Wycombe.

Although she'd dabbled in comedy writing throughout her Job Centre years (including a stint at The Gate in Notting Hill), the posh Grammar gave her the chance to excel at becoming an awkward round peg in a very square hole. In July 2011, after 8 years, and with more than a little encouragement from the senior management, Kate left the posh Grammar school and decided to pour her efforts into writing. That summer she attended a week long Arvon comedy writing course led by the brilliant Nigel Planer. She took along a blog she'd written (about a directionless, embittered drama teacher) and he told her to turn it into a sitcom. Two Vajazzles is the result.

Note

Performed in Heat 4