Julian and Declan

By: Phillip Barron

Sitcom Mission 2012 finalist

Julian and Declan are two movie-obsessed cinema ushers. They annoy the piss out of each other, but have been friends so long they couldn't bear to part company.

Theirs is a world where ninjas have to be regularly swept from air vents, there's a really irritating ghost in Screen 7 and gangs of feral kids periodically murder the cinema's Kid's Club mascot.

This Sitcom Mission adaptation is a stripped down version of the full show, deliberately contained to one room for ease of staging.

This episode is based on true events (honestly!). I used to work in a cinema and the BNP turned up to protest about the portrayal of the Nazis in Schindler's List. Simultaneously, the Anti-Nazi League turned up to protest about another film (the name of which escapes me)... the resulting riot was ended by the Armed Response Unit (summoned by a terrified staff member hitting the 'oh shit we're being robbed!' button).

One guy missed the whole thing - he was on his break and arrived back to find a foyer full of unconscious rioters. He said he'd thought it was a bit noisy, but assumed it was just the kids kicking the crap out of the cinema mascots again.

I've often wondered what the riot was like from his perspective. Or more specifically, what would it be like from Julian and Declan's perspective if they were on a break that day? My guess is it would go something like this...

Credits

Cast		Character
Simon Burbage	...	Julian
Aaron Taylor	...	Declan
Rob Macpherson	...	James
Sonia Kaur	...	Siobhan
Ben Kettner	...	Daniel

Phillip Barron

As a child, Phillip Barron used to tell a lot of stories. Back then they called them 'lies'. Turns out, as an adult, if you write these 'lies' down you get paid for them.

Now he's a scriptwriter living in Eastbourne who can't really decide whether script writer is one word or two. Or should have a hyphen.

He's had eight or nine feature films produced (depending on how you count them and whether or not you include the one which was abandoned), some TV stuff, some stage stuff and run shows on things like mobile phones and the Internet.

Generally his life is pretty fantastic, or at least he enjoys it; but perhaps he has low standards? He's married to a beautiful woman, has a wonderful daughter, lives in a moderately nice house and gets paid to do something he loves. He thinks that sounds quite nice, you may beg to differ.

Although, you shouldn't beg - it's beneath you.

Phillip Barron actually writes most of his scripts at a secret location in the Caribbean; but since that sounds ludicrously unlikely, you may choose not to believe that bit of information. I wouldn't, I mean, come on - it just sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

Note

Performed in Heat 2