Schedule Thursday 29th September 2011

Bread

Jack has good news from Leonora when she announces she is pregnant and Joey decides to join Adrian in Scotland to marry Roxy. Meanwhile, Lilo Lill has news of Freddie's whereabouts while Grandad dreams about his own calamitous funeral...

The Liver Birds

Fast approaching having to pay their next month's rent, the girls are struck by the realisation that they're out of work - and have only 50 pence to their collective name! A trip to sign on is called for, but the dole queue is not something they're used to and a ruckus ensues.

Sykes

Eric announces his attention to compete at the next Olympic Games, and that he has already begun training with a succession of increasingly long walks. The next will take him all the way from their home in Acton, west London, to Brighton on the south coast, and Mr. Brown wages £20 on the endeavour.

Victoria Wood

Victoria Wood explores the delights and torments of a stay at a fashionable health farm.

Horrible Histories

There is plenty of "goo and poo" today, as some medieval knights discover the most disgusting way to attack a castle.

The Liver Birds

Beryl's in quite the quandary: she really likes her latest boyfriend, but he's only in town for a short while and is due to return to London tomorrow morning. And then he asks her to have breakfast with him...!

Waiting For God

Episode 2.9, Young People: Harvey invites local students into Bayview to interact with the residents, and bribes one to deliberately annoy troublemaking resident Diana in the hope she will retaliate and be thrown out of the home.

The Good Life

When the Goods realise their house has been taken over by fleas, they a horrified to think that they have contaminated the Leadbetter household during a recent trip.

On The Buses

Between decimalisation and inflation the Butlers are feeling the pinch. Blakey suggests the family take in a lodger - and he happens to know someone who's looking. Unfortunately for Stan, there's no spare bedroom at home...

'Allo 'Allo!

Having been double-crossed by Herr Flick, Gruber and the Colonel are looking for a way to un-desert. Madame Edith concocts a plot that will appear that they have been kidnapped. Unfortunately, the General fails to take the hint and René is forced to save the duo before they are blown up...

One Foot In The Grave

Victor returns from the supermarket to find that the house has been burgled.

Shine On Harvey Moon

It's the week before Christmas, but the season of goodwill doesn't mean much in a Jewish household and Nan has a couple of run-ins with the landlord.

Hotel Trubble

Lenny is convinced vampires are real and that there is one staying at Hotel Trubble. To make matters worse, Mrs P has fallen in love with him. Dolly has yet another scheme to try to improve business.

Sykes

Eric announces his attention to compete at the next Olympic Games, and that he has already begun training with a succession of increasingly long walks. The next will take him all the way from their home in Acton, west London, to Brighton on the south coast, and Mr. Brown wages £20 on the endeavour.

Last Of The Summer Wine

Nora Batty is pursued by a renowned ladies' man.

My Teenage Diary

Arabella Weir describes a teenage life full of drinking, calorie-counting and boys.

Last Of The Summer Wine

Howard worries that his love life might feature strongly in Clegg's memoirs.

Waiting For God

Episode 2.9, Young People: Harvey invites local students into Bayview to interact with the residents, and bribes one to deliberately annoy troublemaking resident Diana in the hope she will retaliate and be thrown out of the home.

Me & My Monsters

When Kate wins a cookie competition, little does she know that some of Norman's fur went into the mix that won her the top prize. So when a film crew comes to film her making the famous cookies, Eddie and the monsters have to secretly get more fur into the dough.

The Good Life

When the Goods realise their house has been taken over by fleas, they a horrified to think that they have contaminated the Leadbetter household during a recent trip.

Sorry, I've Got No Head

Dean the superhero tries to lift a car off someone's foot, the Lady Tourist tries to go to the theatre and The Witchfinder General ends up in a children's playzone.

'Allo 'Allo!

Having been double-crossed by Herr Flick, Gruber and the Colonel are looking for a way to un-desert. Madame Edith concocts a plot that will appear that they have been kidnapped. Unfortunately, the General fails to take the hint and René is forced to save the duo before they are blown up...

One Foot In The Grave

Victor returns from the supermarket to find that the house has been burgled.

Shine On Harvey Moon

It's the week before Christmas, but the season of goodwill doesn't mean much in a Jewish household and Nan has a couple of run-ins with the landlord.

Open All Hours

Why is Arkwright forcing his ginger cake upon Nurse Gladys? Could it be he has overstocked? And if it really is an old Jamaican aphrodisiac, Granville's acting like he's overdosed.

The Green Green Grass

Marlene is planning a huge party to celebrate their Ruby wedding anniversary.

Terry & June

When the landlord of the local pub is advised to take a rest by his doctor, Terry and June offer to run the place in his absence. But their good deed looks set to backfire when Sir Dennis threatens to sack anyone found guilty of moonlighting.

Gigglebiz

CBeebies legend Justin Fletcher gets the nation's under-sixes laughing their socks off with his collection of crazy comedy characters.

Last Of The Summer Wine

Nora Batty is pursued by a renowned ladies' man.

A League Of Their Own

It may be half-time, but the quiz continues to provide a high quotient of belly laughs. Boxer Amir Khan joins the Reds, while comedian Jack Whitehall is picked for the Blues.

Last Of The Summer Wine

Howard worries that his love life might feature strongly in Clegg's memoirs.

So Wrong It's Right

Charlie Brooker hosts the comedy panel show that celebrates failure, with guests David Mitchell, Rufus Hound and Victoria Coren competing to supply the best wrong answers and stories.

Only Fools And Horses

With the bankruptcy court ordering the family home in Nelson Mandela house to be auctioned, the Trotters' financial nightmare is fast approaching meltdown.

Combined with Cassandra about to give birth at anytime, Marlene's mysterious disappearance and Trigger behaving even more bizarrely than usual, its little wonder that no one is sleeping soundly in Peckham.

QI

With Jo Brand, Rob Brydon and Sean Lock.

Open All Hours

Why is Arkwright forcing his ginger cake upon Nurse Gladys? Could it be he has overstocked? And if it really is an old Jamaican aphrodisiac, Granville's acting like he's overdosed.

The Green Green Grass

Marlene is planning a huge party to celebrate their Ruby wedding anniversary.

The Royle Family

Nearly seven years on, and now living with the Royles, Nana is bedridden and the centre of attention. Jim is, unsurprisingly, not best pleased. Meanwhile, Antony is a businessman; Denise is pregnant again; and poor Cheryl is still trying to lose weight and find love.

Grumpy Old Women

Sheila Hancock, Arabella Weir, Janet Street-Porter, Bonnie Greer, Jenny Eclair, Nina Myskow, Ann Widdecombe and Germaine Greer blast babies, toddlers, young mothers, pets, cyclists and litter louts.

Russell Howard's Good News

Russell turn news junkie once again as he puts his spin on the week's headlines. The mystery guest is the human spider man.

My Teenage Diary

Arabella Weir describes a teenage life full of drinking, calorie-counting and boys.

The Inbetweeners

Simon and his new girlfriend Tara go on a double date with Will and her friend Kerry.

The Jonathan Ross Show

Jonathan is joined by acting legend Dame Helen Mirren, comedian Harry Hill and the fantastically flexible Louie Spence. Plus Kasabian perform their latest single live in the studio.

Grumpy Old Women

Apparently they enjoy too much leisure time. Children? No, it's the elderly who irritate grouchy Sheila Hancock, Germaine Greer, Nina Myskow and others.

Men Behaving Badly

Gary has to get rid of his beloved but sadly stain-covered sofa. Tony makes a rather unwise purchase from a man in the pub.

Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps

Donna and Gaz try to make each other jealous by talking about imaginary new partners. Donna ends up upsetting Gaz when she says he was crap in bed.

Bleak Expectations

Pip must thwart the plans of his evil guardian Mr Gently Benevolent. Can underwater squirrels, oddly placed church bells and a stint in the workhouse foil him in his noble quest? Or will Aunt Lily and her Gloucestershire racing cows save the day?

Absolutely Fabulous

Eddy's taken up residence in a new age commune, and with Patsy now in New York and Saffy away at uni, Mother squats in the otherwise empty house, going on a shopping TV spree. But Edina's soon bored of her lifestyle, and Patsy's not having as much fun as she hoped - could a reunion be on the cards?

QI

With Jo Brand, Rob Brydon and Sean Lock.

Chris Moyles Quiz Night

Tonight's guests are Ruth Jones, Heston Blumenthal and Paddy McGuinness.

Mark Thomas - The Manifesto

The proposals up for vote in this second episode include a pedestrian proficiency test, hype free advertising, and a one year cooling off period for marriage proposals.

Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps

Jonny's feeling left out as Janet devotes all her attention to baby Corinthian, talking to him constantly in a baby voice. Desperate to get some attention for himself, Jonny decides to act like a big baby - literally.

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Episode 3.5, Singing in the Drain: In a bid to improve his social status, Tom throws a dinner party, at which he is invited to audition for a West End play, while Linda gets an offer she cannot refuse from talent scout Suze.

The Full Monty

Unemployed friends Gaz and Dave decide to start their own Chippendales-style show to make some quick cash.

The Royle Family

Nearly seven years on, and now living with the Royles, Nana is bedridden and the centre of attention. Jim is, unsurprisingly, not best pleased. Meanwhile, Antony is a businessman; Denise is pregnant again; and poor Cheryl is still trying to lose weight and find love.

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

Superstar footballer Jason Bent is quizzed about his new contract by BBC Radio 5 Live's Mark Chapman, Dr Bob hosts an impromptu student party on the maternity ward, and Lee's Nan gives her take on a club classic. Plus, Omelette tackles this week's Peer Pressure Challenge.

Love Soup

Alice learns that the man from flat number 12 is in love with her, and she also signs a petition to get a 'talking gravestone' removed. Gil is drafted into a team of comedy writers who are writing a sitcom for a talentless reality TV star and begins to fall for a fellow member of the team.

Russell Howard's Good News

Russell turn news junkie once again as he puts his spin on the week's headlines. The mystery guest is the human spider man.

Richard Bacon's Beer & Pizza Club

This week Richard invites over Jack Osbourne, son of Ozzy, TV presenter Dave Berry and resident regular Charlie Baker. This week's topics are: best gadget you have ever owned, the most underrated TV show of all time and the most famous person you have touched.

Absolutely Fabulous

Eddy's taken up residence in a new age commune, and with Patsy now in New York and Saffy away at uni, Mother squats in the otherwise empty house, going on a shopping TV spree. But Edina's soon bored of her lifestyle, and Patsy's not having as much fun as she hoped - could a reunion be on the cards?

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Episode 3.5, Singing in the Drain: In a bid to improve his social status, Tom throws a dinner party, at which he is invited to audition for a West End play, while Linda gets an offer she cannot refuse from talent scout Suze.

Show & Tell

Maeve Higgins, Elis James and Nick Helm joke about washing up, swimming and sisters.

Comedy Central At The Comedy Store

At London's legendary Comedy Store tonight, Kevin Bridges on his Scottish accent, Zoe Lyons on alpha males, Andrew Lawrence on his school experiences and Russell Kane on the X Factor.

Dirty Sexy Funny: Olivia Lee

Door Bitch gets cheesed off at a Farmer's Market and Miss Single tries to have a golf lesson.

Drop The Dead Donkey

Episode 3.5, Sally's Libel: Sally sues a newspaper after they claim that the staff of GlobeLink hate her. This means the staff have to do the unthinkable - claim that Sally is nice.