BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition

This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic each week, to win points. The member with the most points at the end of each competition window will win a special mentoring opportunity. Here is how you earn points:

• 10 points: Best joke of the week
• 5 points: Any other gags shortlisted by the judges
• 1 point: All other entries

The judging is carried out blind, so there's no limit to the number of times you can win - but you can only enter ONE joke per week!

This week's topic...

Mechanics

Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!

Deadline to submit: Sunday 6th July, 23:59

Last 20 winners

Spirits

Sister Maria mixes a superb vodka martini. The best bar nun.
Joe Reaney

Victorians

Nobody could believe it when Charles Dickens named his son 'What the'.
Andy Bucks

Holidays

My last holiday was terrible. The redcoats were rude, there were people screaming and fighting with each other and when I tried to complain they said I was ruining the whole Culloden reenactment.
Alex Buchanan

Roadworks

I've started writing a joke about roadworks but the punchline has been delayed until summer 2026.
Alex Buchanan

Dairy

I was asked to enter a dairy themed spelling competition. I said there's no f in whey.
Darren Bird

Fish

Just caught a fish using clickbait, you won't believe how big it was.
Sean Fee

Retail

My mate's a bodybuilder but he's not very bright. I call him 'the modern high street' because he's a vacant unit.
Chris Ballard

Monsters

People say a monster flies round London at night but I think that's just an urban moth.
Barry Dunstall

Radio

I don't believe in capital punishment. No one should have to listen to Johnny Vaughan.
Matthew Mclane

Laptops

My grandma's laptop is just like her dating advice - outdated, confusing, and can't be backed up.
Amanda Webster

Stress

Failed at helping my boyfriend destress on our camping trip. Ended up with us getting two tents!
Amanda Webster

Comics

I got sacked from my job drawing Lord of the Rings comics because my orc looked too emaciated. I told them it was a picture of elf.
Scott Fitzgerald

Roast

I went to the carvery with my boyfriend. He said he wanted beef, so I told him I fancied his brother.
Iain Christie

Astronomy

I came last in an astronomy quiz, but I did get a constellation prize.
Barry Dunstall

Chocolates

My girlfriend's sharing her delicious Easter Egg with me. But I don't want to be around when she comes back from work and finds out.
Garth ApThomas

Cringe

What's the cringiest book? Lord of the Rings is pretty orc words.
Rob Smyth

Singing

I bought a car from an opera singer. It's a Nissan Dorma.
Barry Dunstall

Winning

Some say I'm not great with shapes, but I won that geometry competition fair and circle.
Nathan Cowley

Greengrocer

When I asked my green grocer for some asparagus tips he told me to stay well away from them.
Crispin Fisher

Getting to sleep

People with insomnia say it's a nightmare. How do they know?
David Kidder

Rules

This competition is open for entries until further notice. You must have a valid BCG Pro subscription to enter.

You may submit one joke each week. Entering will gain you 1 point. The entry window is from Monday morning through to Sunday.

All entries must be the original work of the entrant, and must not infringe the rights of any other party.

At the closure of each week's entry window British Comedy Guide's editorial team will select their favourite joke to be that week's winner, granting it 10 points. Any other jokes shortlisted by the judges will receive 5 points.

If deemed suitable for a general audience, the joke will be shared in the website's Weekly Newsletter (normally sent on a Monday). The winning entrant will be credited by name.

At the end of the current competition window (which normally runs across a few months), whichever Pro member has gained the most points in that window will win a special mentoring opportunity. The next competition windows sees everyone's points start back at zero.

British Comedy Guide reserves the right to alter the terms of this contest and/or the duration of any entry window at its discretion.