BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition

This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic for a chance to win cash. The BCG Pro editors will pick their favourite from all submissions, with the winner receiving £10 cash and their joke shared with credit on British Comedy Guide's social media accounts and Monday email newsletter, reaching more than 150,000 comedy fans.

The judging is carried out 'blind', so there's no limit to the number of times you can win - but you can only enter ONE joke per week!

This week's topic...

Astronomy

Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!

Deadline to submit: Monday 31st March, 00:59

Last 20 winners

Chocolates

My girlfriend's sharing her delicious Easter Egg with me. But I don't want to be around when she comes back from work and finds out.
Garth ApThomas

Cringe

What's the cringiest book? Lord of the Rings is pretty orc words.
Rob Smyth

Singing

I bought a car from an opera singer. It's a Nissan Dorma.
Barry Dunstall

Winning

Some say I'm not great with shapes, but I won that geometry competition fair and circle.
Nathan Cowley

Greengrocer

When I asked my green grocer for some asparagus tips he told me to stay well away from them.
Crispin Fisher

Getting to sleep

People with insomnia say it's a nightmare. How do they know?
David Kidder

Trump

Donald Trump says he's against diversity, equity and inclusion schemes on farms, vowing to put an end to DEI-E-I-O.
Nathan Cowley

Church

My friend wants to take the local priest out to an Italian restaurant. I think she fancies the pastor.
Iain Christie

Personal trainer

My girlfriend was impressed when I said I had a personal trainer, less impressed when she saw I'd just written my name on my Reeboks.
DaveEff

Water

I'm starting to doubt my friend speaks French. Asked him the word for water and he sounded surprised.
Marc Pinto

Diets

Last week I started a diet where I only eat coins. I haven't seen any change yet.
Alice Hancock

New year, new me

Last year I decided to get into shape. And I did it. Technically, an egg is a shape.
Mat Smith

Panto

I thought I'd gotten over my panto addiction until someone asked me where V was in the alphabet.
Alex Buchanan

Smoking

My dad went absolutely mental when he caught me smoking. To teach me a lesson, he made me eat the whole salmon.
Graham B

Christmas parties

For last year's office Christmas party our manager decided to lay on a buffet. The vol-au-vents were ruined.
Graham B

Writing

Don't knock people using ghost writers for their novels. It must take them ages copying the letters off the Ouija board.
Lee Warne

Feet

I did a poo that was 12 inches long, it was a foot stool.
Crispin Fisher

Wrestling

For his next fight, Jake Paul is in talks with The Undertaker - not to wrestle, just to help dig up his opponent.
Stuart Cooke

Espionage

On my first espionage job, I was asked to cover myself in meat and mashed potato and stake out a field of sheep. I was a shepherd spy.
Alice Hancock

Keir Starmer

My Keir Starmer jokes are all so old and weak he's cut off their winter fuel allowance.
Barry Dunstall

Rules

This competition is open for entries until further notice. You must have a valid BCG Pro subscription to enter.

You may submit one joke in each entry window. Entry windows normally last a week each, running from Monday through to Sunday.

British Comedy Guide reserves the right to alter the terms of this contest and/or the duration of any entry window at its discretion.

All entries must be the original work of the entrant, and must not infringe the rights of any other party.

At the closure of each entry window British Comedy Guide's editorial team will select their favourite joke as that window's winner. If deemed suitable for a general audience, the joke will be shared via British Comedy Guide's Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, and in the website's Weekly Newsletter (normally sent on a Monday). The winning entrant will be credited by name and, if submitted with a Twitter handle, by that on the Tweet.

Jokes may be ommitted from Twitter if their length and a necessary explanation exceeds the platform's character limit.

The winner will receive £10 in cash. This can be paid via BACS or PayPal.