What I learned about stand-up from starting to do stand-up

So, I finally recently did what I've been threatening friends and family with for years. I started doing stand-up. I actually did my first spot about 18 months ago on a snowy night in Liverpool at the Everyman Theatre (atmospherically, it seemed right.) But then, it took me another 18 months to do my second spot...

I was in London in October writing for the BBC Two show The Mash Report when, after going to a whole bunch of comedy nights, I went to Jetway at the Vauxhall Comedy Club and they gave me a 5 minute spot. And after doing that I thought, 'Well, this is me then.'

Comedy

I've actually been in comedy for a few years. I've written some 800 stories for The Daily Mash in the last 5 years and I've also written for all three series of The Mash Report.

Mike Scully who produces The Simpsons also 'Liked' something I wrote for Succubus Magazine which I think will probably go on my headstone.

But stand-up is different. Stand-up, in metaphorical terms, is probably what mainlining heroin is like. You can smoke it or snort it (write it) but it really won't blow your head truly off until you shoot it up (stand in front of a room full of people and try and make them laugh.) Either way, you'll be addicted quick.

Gigs

So, I went back up north, took a brief holiday, and then decided to just go back to London and gig like a motherfucker.

I asked a few stand-ups for advice and they all said the same thing - you just gotta do it and see what happens - I don't think that was lack of insight either, I think that's just how it works.

I did 18 spots in the month of November. Starting at the Lions Den on Shaftesbury Avenue where I'd spilled red wine on my crotch shortly before going on and then did a half-drunken 5 minutes next to a pole dancing pole that shares the stage with you.

I did Downstairs at the Kings Head (the oldest comedy open mic in London) where, if the laughter that's seeped into the walls and the pictures of Steve Coogan and the like hanging up around the place doesn't get you in the mood, then nothing will.

I did Night Bus Comedy (the top deck of a bus really is the perfect setting for someone to do stand-up) as well as other great nights, such as Not Another Comedy Night, Comedy East, Comedy Virgins, Sam Rhodes Comedy Explosion, Sunday Shtick, a couple of sets at South Kensington Comedy Club as well as a further two at Jetway and a few others... including a gong show in Blackpool. NB: For anyone who has not been to Blackpool, imagine a Farmfoods where the wind never stops blowing and you're pretty much there.

What did I learn?

Maybe a little, maybe a lot. One thing I learned is always get a contract. After one show I spoke to an actress who has just started doing stand-up and she asked me if I could write her some material. We agreed a fee, timescale and structure of the piece. I delivered this and was then told that she didn't think she'd use it so she didn't see why she should pay for it (try that with some builders who've just knocked you up a conservatory and see how it goes.) The irony being that, after first talking to her, her advice to me was, 'Don't say yes to the first offer.' If only she was as funny as she was unintentionally ironic. But yeah, I guess what I'm saying is Trust No One.

What else?

A lot of stand-ups tell the same joke in different ways. I saw three different female stand-ups tell stories where they'd accidentally been paid for sex. Not the same joke, not the same story but the punchline was much the same. I also saw 'Russian Dolls' used as a good analogy for something on about three occasions too. Again, not the same joke, not the same story but the punchline was much the same.

Punchlines

Here's another punchline, Scousers. I'm a Scouser and we still seem to be an acceptable punchline to a joke. It used to be the Irish, now it's Scousers and it doesn't bother me (it does) but I'm a firm believer that if you have to look around before you tell a joke then you probably shouldn't tell it.

Or if you wouldn't tell a joke in say, Dublin or Liverpool because you might offend the locals, then don't say it in bourgeois London because you've assumed that none of us are there and it's just you and your fellow middle class southern white folk who'll all laugh along... even though they didn't really get it as they were looking at their phones when you were talking.

But yeah, doesn't bother me at all. In fact, no, it does. Not because I'm from Liverpool but because the jokes are so painfully unoriginal. And the teller often looks like they expect a cookie after saying it cos they're obviously so brilliant. 'Hack wants a Cookie comedy,' I think of it as.

Stand-up

So, yeah. That's my take on stand-up. Make of it what you will and know that I genuinely couldn't care less about your opinion on what I've written. And the advice I'd give to anyone thinking of giving stand-up a go: you just gotta do it and see what happens. Peace.

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Adam Baird is a writer and stand-up comedian. He is also an award winning short film-maker and playwright. You can find out more through his Twitter @adambaird82 and Instagram @adrock90. He also writes The Morning Penda (@themorningpenda).