Rod Liddle

BBC, the public thinks your values stink

"I see that the BBC has decided to make Nish Kumar one of the regular presenters of the Radio 4 comedy programme The News Quiz. I suppose it thinks he ticks a box - not for his ethnicity but because, like seemingly every other comedian employed by the corporation, he is about as funny as kidney stones or gas gangrene of the shin", says Rod Liddle.

Eddie Izzard may run marathons, but Lee remains the king of endurance comedy, a standup with the wit and grit to rolling-pin a single observation into a half-hour routine. Tonight's episode is nominally about dunderheaded reactions to the so-called migrant crisis but, like a glitch in the Matrix, Lee gets locked into a repetitive but endlessly rewarding riff about Rod Liddle and random foodstuffs. It trundles and builds to his most demanding, and impressively heroic, checkout of the series so far.

A nicely packaged drama that really delivers

Here's one of life's little conundrums: what is the correct procedure to follow when you see a grown-up reading the work of JK Rowling or Terry Pratchett on a train?

It began with an unprecedented third-party surge, with Channel 4 opening its campaign for the couch-potato vote 55 minutes before the two established parties - BBC and ITV - even got into the game. There would be, the announcer promised, "very strong language and adult humour", not something that had ever been delivered by the traditional coverage, and it was rapidly clear that the Alternative Election Night really did have fresh policies to offer.

They had Lauren Laverne and Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell and they had an anchor, Jimmy Carr, with a novel approach to clarification: take their beginner's guide to proportional representation, for example. "The easiest way to explain it," said the comedian drily, "is to someone who's interested and already understands it".

With the satire muzzled by broadcasting restrictions until polls closed, they filled the time with a special edition of Come Dine With Me - three politicians and a pundit competing in a hellish unpopularity contest. Derek Hatton cooked scallops with asparagus for Edwina Currie, Brian Paddick and Rod Liddle and the viewers watched aghast.

"They might as well have called that If You Only Had One Bullet", said Carr, not the last time in which he deployed a candour which would have been welcome on other channels. I'm not sure that anybody with a choice in the matter would have turned over at 9.55pm - for the fiesta of vacuity which fills the gap until the first significant result arrives.

We, as you should, will be beginning election night with C4. Their Alternative Election Night is a kicking-off point, where you can watch Jimmy Carr deliver uncomfortable jokes about how ugly politicians are, Charlie Brooker deliver anger you can tell he no longer feels and Lauren Laverne make some vowels last an instant too long. The Election Special Come Dine With Me is infuriating and not just because of Brian Paddick's shirts and Rod Liddle's Julie Burchill-style provocateering. Comes to something when Edwina Currie is clearly the least annoying person on screen. Armando Iannucci is on at 10.

You know what? - Rod Liddle eventually ruined this week. By Tuesday I was looking at everything on television, able only to wonder what Liddle would make of it. I'd been strapped into Liddle-goggles. What, for instance, is Liddle's stance on Russell Brand? Brand is 100 per cent white Anglo-Saxon - which presumably counts for at least ten Liddle points. Additionally, Brand talks like a souped-up Timothy Claypole from Rentaghost - which, in the absence of any more specific examples, one would presume is the kind of traditional, non-immigration-ruined British thing that Liddle would like. There's no modern rap-talk from Brand! It's all "I can't wait for the Great Exhibition of 1851!" this, and "Enjoy Pickwick's Patented Hair Pomade" the other.

However, a quick googling of Liddle's previous columns reveals that, in fact, he is down on Brand, big-time: "Smug, arrogant, over-paid, apparently stupid and not remotely entertaining." A fairly useful indicator to the rest of us that, given that Liddle hates him, Brand is probably awlright.

As the first real televisual access to Brand since last year's omni-demented Sachs-gate affair, The Road to Russell Brand: Skinned was an instructive insight into how Brand had dealt with it. Had he been a butterfly, broken on a wheel? Was he now tremulous, and wary?

"I was like - it's an exciting thing!" he beamed. "I'm in the middle of a storm - and I like it here! This is where I should always be!" Later on - referring to the incident on stage - he pointed out: "The thing is - I do worse than that every day."

Looking - with his big rack of teeth - very much like Mega Shark, the star of the recent B-movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Brand spent an hour answering Frank Skinner's questions, intercut with documentary footage of his recent publicity strike in America and appearances on The Late Show with David Letterman and The Jay Leno Show.

Skinner's questioning didn't kick off with immense threat or weight: "I've always thought beautiful people couldn't be funny - but you've proved this wrong," was his first "question" to Brand. Somewhere, Jeremy Paxman must have felt a stabbing pain in his duodenum. But as the hour went on, Skinner lobbed in a couple of interesting observations - not least noting that, "I always found that, in order to be a womaniser, you had to turn down your compassion and humanity to get laid" - a proposition that Brand didn't have any real riposte to.

"It takes a lot of discipline - more than I have - not to go 'I will f*** you, you know'," he beamingly explained, over footage of fans screaming his name.

Perhaps the most amazing revelation in Skinnned, however, was neither sexual nor centred on controversy. Instead, it was that Brand has someone on tour with him to do his hair and make-up. Darling, I adore how you look but, honestly - ratting up your hair and applying two tramlines of kohl like that could just as easily be achieved by someone in security, or catering.