Paddy McGuinness

And if we're looking to invent new words and phrases, how about "Crap as A Comedy Roast"? You'd use it to describe something that was as awkward and contrived and joyless as Jimmy Carr and chums spending an hour taking the p*** out of someone semi-famous sat opposite them on stage.

"Roasting" is an American tradition: being brutally but lovingly rounded upon by your peers while taking it all with benign grace - think: This is Your Life, You Stupid T***. The US TV version of this features some of the most staggeringly lewd, vicious punchlines I've ever heard, the enormous capacity of Pamela Anderson's vagina, for example, being a recurring theme on hers.

So what was in store for Bruce Forsyth, Sharon Osbourne and Chris Tarrant? Uncomfortable oddness, really. Jonathan Ross visibly rattled Brucey with some opening salvos: "He wasn't a pretty baby," he tells the audience, "but he did grow up to be a f***ing ugly adult." What else? Oh yeah: "When the dinosaurs died out, he was taken in for questioning." Arf! The weird thing was that most of the roasters were just typical gun-for-hire, Channel 4-type comedian fodder. Paddy McGuinness did a nervous Who Wants to be a Millionaire? skit on Tarrant, who looked so prickly throughout that you suspect Alan Partridge would have taken a roasting better. Jack Dee slagged everyone off and looked sadder than usual to be doing it. There was one quite funny joke about it being hard to believe the real Sharon Osbourne is here tonight, "because the real Sharon Osbourne is in a black bin bag round the back of a plastic surgeon's in LA!. And she took it all quite well, mainly because she just hooted like as sozzled nan the entire time.

Maybe everyone else loved it. It just seemed weirdly open and honest. I thought the whole point of being British is that we repress our true feelings, so that when they do pop out they're disguised, perhaps in the form of a witty joke or a song or a droll suicide note. Alternatively, we could just stick to slagging people off behind their backs so that we don't have to pretend to hug them in front of Jimmy Carr afterwards. I don't think A Comedy Roast suits us. If someone can work out a passive-aggressive equivalent, however, we may be in business.

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Paddy McGuinness got engaged to former Miss Liverpool, Christine Martin, over Christmas.

After a seven-year hiatus - aside from last year's so-so Christmas special - the madcap quiz show returns for a sixth series. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer are once again at the helm, while Little Britain's Matt Lucas returns as the ever-excitable George Dawes, the man with the scores. Joining team captains Jack Dee - who replaces Will Self from the last series in 2002 - and Ulrika Jonsson this week are The One Show's Christine Bleakley, 21-year-old pop star DJ Ironik and comedians Paddy McGuinness and Dan Skinner, the latter of whom appears in the guise of a Greek burger van owner called Angelos Epithemiou.

The show, which first aired in 1993, has always divided opinion: many have found it refreshingly quirky, while others believe it to be just annoyingly bizarre.

Certainly, the aficionados will be pleased to hear that its basic format is staying true to its roots. Sadly, though, the surreal, frenetic humour which characterised Shooting Stars in its heyday now feels a little stale - and perhaps slightly forced. Nevertheless, the show still has its moments. Reeves's shameless leering and harassment of a game Bleakley, in particular, will draw a smile. The highlight of tonight's series opener, however, is the appearance of comic newcomer Epithemiou, whose lugubrious style is such that it makes the cranky and deadpan Jack Dee seem comparatively sprightly.

An incredible 16 years since the pilot (what were you doing in the autumn of 1993?) this celebrity panel show - arguably the greatest but surely the quirkiest ever - is back with a six-part run. It's helmed, of course, by Vic and Bob, with Ulrika-ka-ka and Jack Dee as captains and man-baby George Dawes on drums and scores. Award-winning burger van owner Angelos Epithemiou will also be a regular, while tonight's first victims - sorry, guests - are Christine Bleakley, Paddy McGuinness and DJ Ironik. Huge fun.