Judi Dench

Joseph Fiennes (where's he been lately, eh?) is the titular playwright, here a struggling up-and-comer suffering from writer's block on his latest script, provisionally titled Romeo And Ethel, The Pirate's Daughter. What with women being forbidden to act on stage, Shakespeare casts a youth called Thomas Kent as Romeo, only to discover 'he' is actually a rich man's daughter (Gwyneth Paltrow).

However, their true love instantly hits obstacles: he's poor and already married, she's betrothed to Lord Wessex (Colin Firth) and, from thence onwards, the course of true love never runs smooth. It's brilliantly witty, light and packed with superb performances including Judi Dench who won a best supporting Oscar as Queen Elizabeth despite only being on screen for eight minutes.

You might have read that Jay-Z would be one of Graham's guests tonight, but he's dropped out and his spot has been taken by Jeremy Paxman, or Jay-P as we should maybe start calling him.

Trust me, you'll scarcely notice the difference. But could Jay-Z host tonight's very special round of University Challenge?

I think not.

Graham's other guests are Dame Judi Dench, comedian John Bishop and Sir Elton John, who will be performing his new single Voyeur as well chatting about his burst appendix, the joys of fatherhood and dancing with the Queen. A typical day in Elton-land.

While Jonathan Ross had to content himself interviewing stars of an ITV show last Saturday (the X Factor judges), Norton once again lures some global, glittery names on to his sofa.

His old mate, the indefatigable Sir Elton John, will perform Voyeur and be interviewed fresh from the triumphant release of his well-received 31st studio album, The Diving Board. He'll be joined by the mighty Dame Judi Dench, whose name is already being mentioned in the same breath as "Oscar nomination" for her role in the new film Philomena, as an Irish mother searching for the child she was forced to give up for adoption. Ever reliable John Bishop will be in the comedy corner.

The waspish insults are flying around with gay abandon as cranky lovebirds Stuart (Derek Jacobi) and Freddie (Ian McKellen) hurtle to the end of this camp caper with a party to celebrate their 49th year of bitchy bliss. Drama queen Freddie harbours fond notions of Dame Judi Dench turning up for the festivities. After all, they once spent 12 hours eating chocolates together on a sweeties ad. As for Stuart, young neighbour Ash has put him in a really tight spot...

The sitcom goes out with a splash of vitriol as Stuart and Freddie mark their 49th anniversary with an impolite gathering.

Freddie has invited Judi Dench (they made a Smarties advert 50 years ago) but no one imagines she'll show up; while Ash has inadvertently asked along Stuart's ancient mother who still doesn't know they're gay. Stand by for the tartest episode yet.

Though never quite as outrageous - or funny - as advertised, the first series of this ITV sitcom has remained watchable thanks to the hammed-up, camped-up performances of its leads Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi. The final episode of the show's current run is on Monday and features another high-profile thesp in Judi Dench.

Mr Norton is spreading his guest net wide tonight in a bid to lure viewers away from chatty rival Alan Carr. He's got the national treasure spot covered with Dame Judi Dench, Hollywood allure with Mila Kunis and James Franco - stars of Oz The Great And Powerful - and home-grown acting talent courtesy of Jude Law, promoting new movie Side Effects. Then there's Olly Murs, taking a belated tilt at musical credibility with new single Army Of Two.

Dame Judi Dench was a Norton guest only last October when she appeared alongside her Skyfall pals Daniel Craig and Javier Bardem. But who cares? She's lovely and she's a national treasure and obviously we just can't get enough of her because she's back tonight.

Dame Judi shares the sofa with a glittery line-up - Mila Kunis and James Franco, in town to promote their new film, Oz the Great and Powerful, and Jude Law, starring with Rooney Mara in the movie Side Effects. Music comes courtesy of Olly Murs.

When something is rumoured as possibly the worst British film ever, there's a car crash-type need to see it. And when you spy Cliff Richard and Rolf Harris cameoing as buskers during the opening credits you know you're in for a humdinger. This remake of Ray Cooney's 'whoops, where's me trousers?' farce casts Danny Dyer - who else? - as a black cabbie whose bigamist lifestyle is threatened with exposure after a dog food-eating tramp (Judi Dench - what was she thinking?) clocks him one with a handbag. Neil Morrissey sits on a chocolate cake, Richard Briers falls into a hedge, Christopher Biggins pushes Lionel Blair bum-first through a bathroom floor - no one emerges unscathed among the cameo-packed cast that reads largely like a roll-call for Brit TV legends you'd previously suspected deceased.

Fabulous Helen Mirren takes her place on the Norton sofa tonight to talk up her new film, Hitchcock. She's been nominated for a Bafta for her role as the director's long-suffering wife, Alma Reville, opposite Anthony Hopkins as the Master of Suspense.

Mirren is teetering dangerously close to becoming, like her fellow Dame, Judi Dench, a national treasure - she's funny, never appears to take herself too seriously and is a super-fantastic actress who played the best EVER television detective, Jane Tennison in all of those Prime Suspects.

Keeping her company is the underrated, hugely brilliant comic actor Paul Rudd, who can make any ropey old movie (have you seen The Object of My Affection?) seem not so bad after all. He's in London promoting his new film, This Is 40, Judd Apatow's sequel to Knocked Up.