Joe Pasquale

I can't say I'm a big fan of award shows, but this can be an exception.

Well, I suppose I can ("I'm a big fan of award shows" - there, see, I've just done it), but I'd be lying, and lying is a waste of all our time. Rather like this opening paragraph.

On their day, however, the British Comedy Awards can be a lot less dismal than most of these back-slapping bashes, if only because the bitter rivalry and bitchiness of the comedy world can trigger some seriously caustic name-calling, not very effectively disguised as goodnatured gags.

As for who's likely to win what at tonight's do, hosted by Jonathan Ross, I couldn't really give a monkey's, but it's good to see some less obvious names creeping into contention, such as Sky1's excellent series Moone Boy.

As for the publicly voted King Of Comedy prize, I'm afraid Joe Pasquale has been snubbed yet again...

Comedian Andrew Lawrence is in his early 30s but he sounds like a malevolent child. His comedy is at its strongest when he is spitting venom at those who have wronged him in the past or random groups that have aroused his ire.

The subject for this opening show is the food we eat and a troubling memory of being the fat kid at school - almost impossible to believe if you have seen his rake-like physique - is the first trigger for a rant. From here on he takes no prisoners, with vegetarians, meat-eaters, supermarkets and middle-class food snobs in particular feeling the full force of his rage.

In a very weird way, this reminded me of listening to something that one might expect to spew forth from Frankie Boyle's mouth but that's delivered in Joe Pasquale's voice. Keeping with the food theme, it will have a Marmite effect on listeners.

Joe Pasquale: I can be serious too!

Joe Pasquale has revealed he'd like his career to follow that of Tony Robinson.

Watching the antics of Maisie and Pete (sexy couple in relationship set-to), Sharon and John (not-so-sexy couple who worry they're getting boring) and Blue (party animal who tends to wake up in abandoned supermarket trollies) was a bit like watching an episode of Hollyoaks but with added funnies.

More interesting were those on the periphery of this pilot: the tubby pair of community support officers bonded by naivety and fantasies; and Josh, played by Joe Pasquale's round-faced son, Joe Tracini, trying to earn the love of sperm donor dad Neil Morrissey, an intriguing proposition if ever I saw one.

This one will need time to grow - unlike Grandma's House, which has the makings of a sure-fire hit.

A new pub-based BBC3 sitcom, which means a drink simile. The comedy equivalent of a shot made from the contents of fluorescent bottles of sugary meths masquerading as booze, which curdles, solidifies and turns your brain inside-out. It mixes Friends with Two Pints and Spaced and Ideal and ends up with a coagulated mess on the pavement outside. A pleasantly zingy aftertaste is provided by Joe Pasquale's son playing a stalky loon, but even that'll just make you feel worse come morning.

Comedy Rocks with Jason Manford was a one-off end-of-the-pier ­special that simply wasn't cut out for telly. This is the 21st Century, where we ­expect short sharp punchy scenes and fast editing. As opposed to a guy from Liverpool doing 10 continuous minutes of stand-up.

OK for a night out. But on a night in... a ­definite no-no. Jason's amusing enough in a gentle sort of way. Jo Brand's a reliable old warhorse. And with throwaway lines like "My granddad was an Elvis ­impersonator - but there wasn't much call for that in 1938", squeaky Joe Pasquale had me laughing out loud.

Some Northern ­comic called John Bishop seemed to believe that blokes don't send text messages. Tell that to Ashley Cole.

All too old-fashioned. Despite contributions from up-to-date ­popsters Scouting For Girls and Pixie Lott, the entire production was like something from a bygone age.

Friday night not at the Palladium.

ITV launch their own take on Live At The Apollo with Mancunian comic Jason Manford. Comedy Rocks features stand-up from the likes of scouse man of the moment John Bishop plus Jo Brand and bright young comic, er, Joe Pasquale. The show will be filmed the day before transmission so expect plenty of topical gags. As if that wasn't funny enough, there's live music from Pixie Lott and Scouting For Girls.

Jason Manford hosts a new Friday-night variety show, which is recorded the day before transmission to keep it as topical as possible. "It's a mixture of music and comedy," he says. "But the music will all be live and the comedy will be varied. Among the performers will be John Bishop, Jo Brand and (to mix it up a bit) Joe Pasquale." Manford is the ideal choice as presenter. Most people don't like being screamed at at the end of the week and he is a relaxed and genial comedian - a bit like the pleasant bloke in the pub who makes his mates laugh with gentle stories about the oddities of his family. With luck his personality will set the tone, although the words "ITV" and "variety show" together have an ominous ring.

On the press release, host Jason Manford describes his new show, ominously, as a "variety event" - as in "I'm really looking forward to being part of this variety event on ITV." I'm fairly sure those words never passed his lips, but the PR-speak is revealing: it's intended to be "event" TV - that is, a big show with a live, shiny feel to it. And to ward off too many comparisons with Live at the Apollo (surely an inspiration), they're playing up the "variety" idea, because there will be music acts, too, namely Pixie Lott and Scouting for Girls. As well as Manford, Jo Brand, Joe Pasquale, ventriloquist Paul Zerdin and "Merseyside's motormouth" John Bishop will provide the laughs.

This variety show is the equivalent of a late-period Oasis album - some of the people involved may once have been vaguely entertaining (Jason Manford, John Bishop and Jo Brand) but it's far too broad strokes (Joe Pasquale, Pixie Lott), it'll have a title that means nothing, and you know that you probably wouldn't get on with anyone who really likes it.

Having interviewed him a couple of times, we know Manford has good taste in comedy. Unfortunately, he's never going to be able to display that taste and will probably have to settle for being a wittier Peter Kay-lite. Imagine having to introduce Scouting For Girls as a career: it's no job for a man.