Holly Willoughby

The talkative host welcomes Sacha Baron Cohen in character as Supreme Leader Admiral General Aladeen of Wadiya to plug his latest film The Dictator, tonight. The actors from the film Snow White and the Huntsman are also out in promotional force tonight, with Ray Winstone appearing here and his co-star Kristen Stewart appearing on The Graham Norton Show. Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby make up the numbers and music comes from Rebecca Ferguson.

Britain Unzipped, with Greg James and Russell Kane, had me wondering whether my wife had slipped an acid tab into my nightcap. Because if I wasn't hallucinating then we must conclude the bods at BBC3 are indeed in the process of remaking The Word and trying to pass it off as ground-breaking TV.

I wish I could fully explain Britain Unzipped's format, but all I can really tell you is that someone has used your licence fee to commission a survey with the sole intention of using the results to create an hour of student pranks and celebrity-based smut. And the continuity announcer's jolly pre-show boast of 'Prepare to be gobsmacked' could yet turn out be the TV understatement of the year.

Don't get me wrong. In free-thinking modern Britain there should be a place for TV delights such as Holly Willoughby inspecting a young man's bed sheet for stains, a young girl watching her mother parading around their kitchen naked and a guy being forced to eat a burger made of dog food.

But that place should always be late-night ITV2. Not 9pm on a public service channel whose agreed remit is 'to bring younger audiences to high-quality public service broadcasting through a mixed-genre schedule of innovative UK content featuring new UK talent'.

Now, if anyone at BBC3 can explain exactly where Holly Willoughby swearing like a fishwife and a studio audience being offered a prize of beer sits in that remit I'm all ears. If they cannot then I fear they might have to employ someone to conduct a nationwide poll containing just one simple question. "BBC3 - waste of your money or not?"

Our voluble host talks to venerable actor John Hurt, who received the Outstanding Contribution to Film award at last weekend's Baftas. Hurt is joined on a busy banquette of showbiz banter by Keith Lemon, Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby from panel show Celebrity Juice, and American actress Christina Ricci, star of BBC Two's period airline drama Pan Am, which climaxes tonight. Electro party pop duo LMFAO perform.

The ever-excellent Celebrity Juice goes from strength to strength on ITV2 on Thursdays at 10pm.

While some favour the outrageous Keith ­Lemon, the beautiful Holly Willoughby or the hip Fearne Cotton, my pick is the devilishly handsome bloke in the corner.

I forget his name now...

How many advocaats would you have to have downed before you could hear the festive cry 'Fearne Cotton everyone!' without praying you're in the middle of a zombie nightmare just about to kick off into a flesh-ripping frenzy?

That's a rhetorical question: the oceans of the world would have turned sticky yellow before that could happen.

This was Celebrity Juice: Christmas Special (ITV2), the seasonal climax of the quiz show that features Cotton and bezzie TV mate Holly Willoughby grinning and bearing whatever abuse Keith Lemon can throw at them, mostly involving the respective size of their cleavages. In return, they get to call him ginger, which hardly seems like a fair exchange.

The most illuminating moment came when it was revealed Cotton had won the 'Ultimate Celebrity Who Makes Us Care Award' at the Cosmopolitan Women Of The Year Awards. Come on, there really is an award called that? And Cotton won? Fill the bath with advocaat, I'm ready to drown.

Who watches this? Why would anyone appear on it? Has Leigh Francis ever been funny, ever? Do you think Holly Willoughby despises Fearne Cotton as much as everyone else with half a brain? Questions, questions. No need to answer them. We don't care.

Celebrity Juice too rude for Holly's mum

Holly Willoughby's mother is boycotting her daughter's show Celebrity Juice because it is too naughty.

Keith Lemon (alter-ego of Bo' Selecta comedian Leigh Francis) returned for a second series of Celebrity Juice; basically a tabloid-y, low-rent version of Shooting Stars, with a fraction of the laughs and zero inspiration. It's a panel show that relies on Lemon's abilities to keep the whole thing on-track, so inevitably fails because the Lemon character is so tedious. Strangely, Francis' retired creation, neck-braced celebrity stalker Avid Merion, would actually be a better fit for Juice's showbiz theme!

Any half-amusing moments are almost accidental, and the most enjoyable thing about the show is trying to guess how the celebs have been persuaded to appear: Fearne Cotton (shameless, no quality control), Sara Cox (as a favour to fellow Radio 1 presenter Cotton?), Kevin Bishop (new sitcom to plug that airs immediately after), Coolio (exploiting his renewed fame after Celebrity Big Brother), Verne Troyer (likewise), Rufus Hound (an ambition to appear on every digital channel's tripe?), guest-star Bianca Gascoigne (need I say more?) and Holly Willoughby (oh yes, her husband's a producer on the show.) Not so much juice, just dregs from a fruit squeezed dry by Vic n' Bob 10 years ago.

Leigh Francis' Keith Lemon gets another outing - this time as the host of a celebrity-based quiz show, with team captains Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby.

The first two series of Bo Selecta were funny, but this shambolic attempt at emulating Shooting Stars was absolute garbage. We sat stony-faced throughout - the Keith Lemon character is just not funny. Time for a new act, Leigh.

It was painful to see so many of the panel visibly looking like they wished they could have been anywhere else.

The worst aspect of credit crunches, killer hurricanes and human rights abuses, is how they shunt all the important news, such as stories about which hotel Peaches Geldof hasn't overdosed in, to the back of the papers. So, to test our knowledge of showbiz facts, such as which hotel Peaches Geldof hasn't overdosed in, the bloke who used to be Avid Merrion in Bo' Selecta has roped in Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby for this very silly panel quiz.