Charlie Brooker

Charlie Brooker: Political leaks on primetime

I got through my first weeny link without a hitch. But moments before doing my second link, much later in the night, something completely unexpected happened. I did a piss.

It began with an unprecedented third-party surge, with Channel 4 opening its campaign for the couch-potato vote 55 minutes before the two established parties - BBC and ITV - even got into the game. There would be, the announcer promised, "very strong language and adult humour", not something that had ever been delivered by the traditional coverage, and it was rapidly clear that the Alternative Election Night really did have fresh policies to offer.

They had Lauren Laverne and Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell and they had an anchor, Jimmy Carr, with a novel approach to clarification: take their beginner's guide to proportional representation, for example. "The easiest way to explain it," said the comedian drily, "is to someone who's interested and already understands it".

With the satire muzzled by broadcasting restrictions until polls closed, they filled the time with a special edition of Come Dine With Me - three politicians and a pundit competing in a hellish unpopularity contest. Derek Hatton cooked scallops with asparagus for Edwina Currie, Brian Paddick and Rod Liddle and the viewers watched aghast.

"They might as well have called that If You Only Had One Bullet", said Carr, not the last time in which he deployed a candour which would have been welcome on other channels. I'm not sure that anybody with a choice in the matter would have turned over at 9.55pm - for the fiesta of vacuity which fills the gap until the first significant result arrives.

As this week's QI repeat proved, David Mitchell is obviously one of the smartest and funniest men on TV at the moment, and is probably the inheritor of Stephen Fry's mantel. So what the hell was he doing on this? Charlie Brooker was great, of course, as was Mitchell, but Jimmy Carr filled time by making jokes about Gordon Brown's eye and Lauren Laverne was just using up valuable oxygen the whole time. Oh dear.

As one of the closest election results in living memory draws near, Channel 4 have decided to adopt a satirical stance in the face of impending doom (a Tory victory) by inviting Charlie Brooker, David Mitchell and Jimmy Carr to lessen the blow. For anyone not voting Conservative it'll be reminiscent of having George Formby strumming away on his ukulele for the troops or Vera Lynn reassuring the public to "Keep smiling through, just the way you used to do/Till the blue skies chase the dark clouds far away".

Described by David Mitchell as being like "Big Brother but with posher people" you'll still be able to keep up with the results as they come in live whilst enjoying popular shows with an election twist.

Fonejacker will be making several impromptu appearances whilst Lauren Laverne, David Mitchell and Jimmy Carr share the role of compère. Most of the polls suggest its neck and neck as the three main parties race towards the finish line and some light comic relief might be exactly what this election needs before the sad reality settles in for whoever wins: it's going to be a tough couple of years and a fair while until the "skies chase the dark clouds far away".

With the advent of American-style televised debates, this election has already provided the leaders of the three main parties with ample opportunity to show themselves up. Should they have not done enough on their own, though, this "alternative" broadcast looks likely to finish the job. An ambitious four-hour live presentation, this aims to offer a satirical take on results as they emerge; David Mitchell, Lauren Laverne and Jimmy Carr present, with contributions from Charlie Brooker.

Channel 4, the rude kids at the back of the class, have decided that the only sensible approach is to go for laughs, so the likes of David Mitchell, Lauren Laverne, Jimmy Carr, and Charlie Brooker will be sitting in front of a live audience and taking the mick.

For those who are interested in the election but can't face endless analysis and Jeremy Vine's Swingometer, here's some light relief: live satire from Jimmy Carr, David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker, who will be riffing off events as they unfold over four hours, with Lauren Laverne adding sass.

The quartet will be joined by a bookmaker, while there will be some pre-recorded segments that include a Come Dine With Me election special featuring Edwina Currie. Wonder if eggs are on the menu?

If the excitement and drama proves too much, C4's Alternative Election Night (from 9pm to 1am) offers a more entertaining, less reverential take on events. It is hosted by David Mitchell, Jimmy Carr and Lauren Laverne, with contributions from Charlie Brooker. Highlights include election specials of You Have Been Watching and Come Dine With Me.

We, as you should, will be beginning election night with C4. Their Alternative Election Night is a kicking-off point, where you can watch Jimmy Carr deliver uncomfortable jokes about how ugly politicians are, Charlie Brooker deliver anger you can tell he no longer feels and Lauren Laverne make some vowels last an instant too long. The Election Special Come Dine With Me is infuriating and not just because of Brian Paddick's shirts and Rod Liddle's Julie Burchill-style provocateering. Comes to something when Edwina Currie is clearly the least annoying person on screen. Armando Iannucci is on at 10.

Brooker's one to watch

Never one to mince his words, Charlie Brooker has a stinging descriptions of what it's like filming You Have Been Watching: "Like having a controlled mental breakdown".