Britney Spears

Stars in Andy Murray sketch for Stand Up To Cancer

The former Wimbledon champion will show his funny side in a Stand Up To Cancer spoof where he oversees auditions for roles in the film of his life with Richard Ayoade, Gordon Ramsay, Michael Sheen, Rory McIlroy, Sir Terry Wogan, Pharrell Williams, Britney Spears and many more taking part.

Everyone loves sparks flying on the chatshow circus and the best chance of a meltdown tonight looks likely to come from the wayward Britney Spears as she drops by for a chinwag with Alan Carr.

Will he ask her opinion on twerking Miley Cyrus? Also making merry with Carr are Olympic hero Mo Farah and actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt, plus music from Jake Bugg, while Graham Norton has landed Paul McCartney, Natalie Portman, Chris Hemsworth, James Corden and Katy Perry.

At this point I should say that not only have I never watched this programme before, but I've never watched or listened to any of Chris Moyles' shows (for that matter I've never listened to Radio 1). As a result I was somewhat hesitant at watching Chris Moyles' Quiz Night, but as there were no other new comedy programmes on I had to make do.

For those who have also never seen the show before, each edition features Moyles taking part in a quiz against three celebrity guests. The audience beforehand vote for who they think will win and those who pick the winner win a share of £1,000 (on this week's edition the money won by everyone equalled £21 each). The player who comes last has to sing out the show.

When I spotted the panel which consisted of Jason Manford, Jeremy Clarkson and opera singer Katherine Jenkins, I thought that as a panel it was okay, although I can't help but think that it sounds like Stewart Lee's idea of hell. Anyone who saw the first episode of his Comedy Vehicle will testify.

However, the other guests who appeared during the questions, including Britney Spears, Robbie Williams and the Sugababes, took it down to the level that I expected from Moyles - cheap and rubbish. This show isn't something that I'd watch again.

I am not one to take against a garrulous homosexual - they constitute the greater part of my social and cultural diet - but the opening episode of Alan Carr: Chatty Man was the nearest I've ever come to shouting: "Just shut up, you rambling poof!"

While there has been amazing progress over the past ten years in making this country less homophobic (Graham Norton getting Eurovision, bisexuals on Doctor Who), the dark reality is that that many people have merely swapped homophobia for "finding gays cute".

I attended an advance fan-screening of Torchwood last week, and every piece of dialogue between Captain Jack and his boyfriend was greeted with knowing, slightly hysterical laughter from the audience - as if everything that the characters were saying was high-camp, bitchy banter. In actuality, a great deal of it wasn't, and some of it was outright sombre - yet it was all drowned out by Pavlovian giggling at the "cute queer couple having a bitch-fight".

If we really are reducing gayness to camp, in terms of social progress, it's going to be as useful as supporting sexual equality - but only so long as all the women are giggly and have big tits.

As a camp man at a crucial moment in his career, then, Carr has some mighty socio-sexual-political currents to swim against. Alas, to the disappointment of any watching recruitment officers at Stonewall, Carr's new chat show consists of little more than an hour of pointing at things - Bruce Forsyth, pictures of people from Big Brother, his own set - and squealing. It makes Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served? look like Harvey Milk.

With an hour of airtime to fill, without Justin Lee Collins, Carr appears not to generate any actual material - he just relies on mannerisms. The third line of his opening monologue is on Britney Spears: "She sings like she's talking through the intercom at a drive-thru McDonalds." Unfortunately, the line also appeared in a Mirror interview with Carr, printed on the same day - a pretty damning index of his productivity. The conversational topics for his first guest, Bruce Forsyth, were: how big Bruce's chin is, how old Bruce is, whether Forsyth knows who will be on the next series of Strictly Come Dancing? (no), and how old Forsyth is again. Forsyth seemed exasperated by the end - like an old, greying horse being harassed by a tiny Jack Russell.

Most damningly of all, the audience laughed at everything Carr said - like a previously unknown experiment involving Pavlov giving his dog a biscuit every time Larry Grayson said, "Shut that door".