Arlene Phillips

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Arlene Phillips is ready to unveil John Cleese's body

Arlene Phillips says there will be flesh on display when the members of the Monty Python team appear in their reunion show in July.

Monarchs of the entertainment world rather than royalty are the subject of this engaging three-parter celebrating some of showbusiness's most flamboyant performers. It does promise some serious intent, reflecting on how the likes of Paul O'Grady, Graham Norton and Elton John have changed attitudes to homosexuality. But it's the performances from the archives that really glitter.

This opener looks back to the Dark Ages in 1952, and features such shining stars as Danny La Rue and Liberace. Contributors include Cilla Black, Julian Clary, Ronnie Corbett, Boy George and Arlene Phillips.

It's a fate you wouldn't wish on your own worst enemy: Bruce Forsyth must have done something very bad in a former life to have his recent gruesome grilling by Piers Morgan, a man who insists on probing where no one wants to go, swiftly followed by the undercooked fawn-fest that was Bruce Forsyth: A Comedy Roast.

Starting with the dreaded words 'please welcome your host... Jimmy Carr!', a phrase guaranteed to have me instantly gagging (but not in a good way), C4's resident Smug MC, a ventriloquist's doll in human form, launched into his unique brand of makes-you-want-to-slap-him charm. 'A roast is like good-natured bullying,' he smirked. 'Good-natured in that it's happening to someone else, not you.' Unbelievably it was downhill from there, a gruesome selection of backslapping/stabbing blokes taking turns to out un-funny each other. Jonathan Ross started off with his tired effing and blinding routine, clearly miffed he wasn't talking about his favourite subject (himself). No, he was there to dishonour Bruczie, so what did Ross's rapier-like wit conjure up? No idea, it was instantly forgettable, other than setting up the night's weary theme: wow, Bruce Forsyth is, like, really old. He's done lots of dodgy gameshows. And he's got a chin. And a beautiful wife. Satire it wasn't.

Jimmy Hill's chin twin guffawed through gritted teeth throughout, taking it on the proverbial. But his lizard-like stare needed double-glazing to get through the kill-the-room combo of Bruno Tonioli and Arlene Phillips, whose contribution was up there with such classic double acts as Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood and Rula Lenska and George Galloway for making you want to stab your eyes out.

All this crackling-free, toothless 'roast' proved was that the more people ho think they are funny there are in a room, the less likely you are to have a laugh. Only Sean Lock emerged with dignity intact but his best line - a dig about being surprised that Ross turned up in person instead of persecuting a national treasure by phone - was all over the trailers, so you'd heard it anyway. Next up it's Sharon Osbourne then Chris Tarrant - truly, C4, you are spoiling us.

Although it might not sound it, a roast is the ultimate honour for any entertainer. First started at the New York Friars' Club in the 1920s and made famous by Dean Martin on his TV show in the 1960s and 1970s, a roast involves you sitting in a room with your friends, family and colleagues as they mercilessly take the mickey out of you - goodnatured bullying, as the host Jimmy Carr calls it. There are three roasts this week - don't miss Sharon Osbourne's on Thursday and Chris Tarrant on Friday - but first up is Mr Showbusiness himself, Bruce Forsyth. Lining up to pay mocking tribute are Jack Dee, Jason Manford, Bruno Tonioli, Arlene Phillips, Jon Culshaw, Barry Cryer and, best of all, Jonathan Ross. It may be sycophantic, but there are still some hilarious moments.