Tom Holmes

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Tuesday 16th November 2021

One random comedian, eight random questions; it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate.

This week we welcome fantasy man Tom Holmes. Fantasy football man, that is, as the stand-up and writer from Windsor has spent much of the last decade co-hosting a popular fantasy footy podcast, The Gaffer Tapes (30,000 listeners a week, in 30 countries!) which should return from hiatus soon; watch this space. In the meantime, they got published.

"The book is an extension of the podcast, really," says Holmes, whose fellow gaffers are Craig Hazell and Ash Kernsworth. "It's a funny and light-hearted look at fantasy football. A lot of people can take the game (and let's remember it is just that: a game) far too seriously."

Guilty. Do go on.

"There are loads of great anecdotes, some tips, and we talk to some famous fantasy football fans including Lord Of The Rings and Star Wars actor Dominic Monaghan, goalkeeper Asmir Begovic, TV presenter Helen Chamberlain and one of my favourite comedians, Luke McQueen."

It's a fantasy line-up. If you want to catch Tom on stage, by the way, he's in Surrey next.

But first, Tom Holmes, your Random 8 await:

What was your favourite TV show, growing up?

Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light. Massively underrated hidden gem from the '80s. Most people I speak to don't seem to remember the cartoon, but a lot of them had the action figures. They were knights with holograms of animals on their armour that they turned into. I started writing the script for a movie reboot about 10 years ago. Might pick it back up.

Your greatest sporting moment?

Personally, probably being on Linford Christie's Record Breakers circa 1998 (get over it). I played for a team that scored more goals in a single season than any other team in the... I want to say world, but it may just have been country. We won 29-0 twice in the same season! Linford's a great guy, we're still in touch.

What's the best thing you ever bought a ticket for?

I haven't been to many music gigs, but I have watched all my musical idols at various times; Jamie T in 2017, Arctic Monkeys in 2013, Eminem in 2003 and East 17 in 1995.

I didn't buy the ticket to the East 17 gig myself; it was bought for me for my ninth birthday by my older sister, but my god were they good (and supported by a little-known singer... called Peter Andre). This chubby nine year-old with steamed-up glasses in the sea of screaming teenage girls was absolutely loving life.

The most regrettable thing you've ever bought?

Circa 2002-2003 - around the time I was watching Eminem live - I got into aspects of Hip-Hop fashion and decided to buy a "platinum" chain off the internet.

The fact that it cost about £70 including postage and packaging from America should have been a bit of an indicator that it probably wasn't pure platinum. I took it on holiday to Spain, wore it in the swimming pool once and it turned my neck green, so I just had to put it in the bin.

Apparently, 50 Cent regularly has similar problems.

Your most interesting injury?

A mate kicked a ball directly in my eye when I was about 14 and my eye started bleeding internally. I couldn't see anything at all and completely freaked out; my entire iris was black.

I got an entire week off school and had to stay completely still, sat upright in my bed so the blood could drain away. Still think about how great that time was now. Although, seven days is a long time for a 14-year-old boy to remain completely still in bed.

What was your proudest moment?

That's difficult. It would be one of a host of things: birth of my two kids, wedding day, when my book was published, eating an entire loaf of bread crust-to-crust in a single weekend, when I wrote for a TV show, first paid stand-up gig, when I won a national broadcasting award.

What's that? Yes, crust-to-crust.

Which place you've visited was the biggest anti-climax?

Salem, Massachusetts. They burnt about six people for being witches... and that's it! They STILL bang on about it! Would not recommend.

What should be Britain's next national anthem?

Steam by East 17. I'd love to see millions of people up and down the nation stood up, hands on their heart and/or saluting, whilst singing the line "Outside it's raining, but inside is wet".

The Gaffer Tapes: The A to Z of Fantasy Football is out now: Waterstones