Terry Wogan
Published: Tuesday 3rd December 2024
One random comedian, eight random questions; it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate. This week we're joined by a TV and radio great who is no longer with us (which must be a first - we don't usually wait that long to write these up). Yes, somehow, Limerick's best-loved broadcaster has been summoned back to this mortal coil by Ben Alborough, the necromancer/medium/alternative comedian. For Terry virgins then, who exactly are we dealing with here?
"My name is Terry Wogan. I died in January 2016 and then I don't remember what happened and then this happened now and that brings us up to today," he explains. "Wikipedia (The Free Encyclopedia) recently confirmed my night terrors; that I used to host a Radio 2 show, on Radio 2. The night terrors are unrelated to the Radio 2 show."
"I used to host Eurovision as well but I think that citation needs updating. I think Wikipedia is getting increasingly biased. Not politically; just in general. In the same way that a cake gets biased when you eat it."
Right. And the reason we've gathered here today...
"I am told I used to host a chat show, which is what Late Night With Terry Wogan at the Soho Theatre on the 6th and 7th December is riffing on. That sounds like a mistake. My name is Terry Wogan. I am unrelated to most other Wogans."
Which is certainly true. That show features a host of big names - Celine Dion, Keanu Reeves, Jackie Kennedy - who look suspiciously like certain comedians. Meanwhile Alborough is also in panto this year; the Weirdos panto, which makes a triumphant return at London's Bloomsbury Theatre on December 20th, in aid of Great Ormond Street Hospital, after five years away.
Great comebacks galore. And now, 'Terry Wogan', your Random 8 await:
What was your childhood career dream?
I wanted to discover America but I was too late. Instead, I settled for a job as a radio DJ while working on my real dream; selling jackets out the back of a van. Never could get that one in front of the commissioners. As I grew up and ran out of jackets I decided to pivot to being Terry Wogan. This paid off for me in the most literal possible way: exposure.
A quick list of other careers I experimented with:
Haberdasher.
Who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
Henry III (long story). A slightly shorter but more boring answer is the chap who serves me my Woodbines. He once told me a fantastic story about how he managed to keep a beach open despite ongoing shark attacks. Now I think about it, it's likely that he was the mayor from Jaws (1975). Also, this may just have been a dream I had.
Which film would you love to have been in, and which part?
I've never seen a film and I don't intend to start now. Can a film kiss you goodbye in the morning? Can a film drive you to work? Can you earn your living from a film? Can you watch a film at the cinema? Can you eat popcorn while watching a film?
I love films, and my favourite one is probably Cannibal Holocaust, for the naturalistic sound design. If I were to have appeared in a film... well, let's just say that the eighth draft of Wogan! A Musical Bible Story is sitting on my desk, underneath me, because I am sitting on my desk.
To answer your question I would've loved to have been in Jaws (1975).
What's the best thing in your wardrobe?
My wardrobe is better than a walk-in wardrobe; it's a walk through wardrobe. A weaker man would call it a corridor, but you can tell that weaker man that Ol' Tel has a lovely vintage 1930s tuxedo stapled to the original William Morris.
In terms of wearable clothes; I often wash my trousers and they're pretty good.
Do you have a favourite device?
The special gun I use to feed my many awful dogs.
When were you most embarrassed?
The year was 1978. A little number called The Floral Dance rises to the top of the hit parade. Eamonn Andrews hosts me (Terry Wogan) on This Is Your Life. Eurovision is back on the telly, it's host: a little chap called myself. All around a good year. Sorry, what was the question?
What's your favourite mode of transport?
I travel only by sea. It's how my ancestors travelled (when hauling huge cargo of many rocks) and I see no reason whatsoever to change that. On an unrelated note I have been late and/or completely missed every appointment I have ever made. I think this is because of tides, which are so unexplainable as to be magic. I also have a kinship with sea life but especially dolphins. They're clever and can speak English. I'm Terry Wogan.
Who are you most envious of?
I don't feel envy except towards you, the only person in the world who gets to interview Terry Wogan. I very much feel the other deadly sins though.
Wrath. I have several alphabetical nemeses: Hulk Hogan, Joe Rogan and Paul Gauguin, all of whom I am trying to get done for tax stuff.
Sloth. I love going to Drusillas.
Gluttony. Three meals a day, three baths a day, three haircuts a day.
Greed. I have, on occasion, drawn up to two cards from my deck.
Lust. I don't know what this one is.
Pride. I'm very proud of my twin adult sons.
Late Night with Terry Wogan is at London's Soho Theatre on 6-7 December. Tickets
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