Phil Ellis

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Tuesday 4th April 2023

One random comedian, eight random questions; it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate. This week that fate descends on comedy's finest leather jacket and its human carrier, Phil Ellis, who - slightly surprisingly - is embarking on his first ever tour.

We're not surprised he's on tour, by the way, but that it's his first. Better late than never then - does he have any Motley Crue-style rock-n-roll excess planned?

"Oh I am going to go absolutely bloody bonkers on tour," says Ellis. "Any excess planned? Well I've already bought a lilo from Argos and three litres of Baileys, so you do the math!"

That's the offstage hi-jinks sorted then, but why should punters pitch up for the onstage stuff - the spikily-title Hedgehog?

"I think people should come and see this particular show as it's the one I'm most proud of to date, and I've done some cracking shows in my time. I worked really hard over Edinburgh last year to shape and mould this show into something that I think audiences are really going to enjoy and get a big kick out of."

"There's loads of surprises, quite personal (but also very funny) stories and most importantly loads of silly stuff that you won't see anywhere else. Oh and at one point, I wear a tiny jacket, so that's a bit of fun isn't it? I think it's a show that will resonate with people of all ages too. There's something for everyone... unless you're an arsehole, then it's probably best if you stay at home."

Damn, we were bang up for that too. Phil Ellis, your Random 8 await.

Who was your first celebrity crush - and ever met them?

Joan Collins, and sadly I have never met this screen icon outside of my dreams. One day, I hope to rectify this and make her the latest and only Mrs Ellis.

What's the worst thing you've ever bought a ticket for?

Mmmm, you have to be careful with this one I guess, as I definitely can't mention anything to do with comedy. I would have to say, I had to buy a ticket once for a raffle where the main prize was some hand-knitted egg warmers. I've never been less interested in winning a prize since the last time I was successful in a cracker pull.

Ever gatecrashed anything interesting?

I once gatecrashed a very successful and famous comedian's 2018 xmas party. I was kind of invited by someone who was attending but I hadn't been actually invited and there were no plus ones. I thought it would be funny to turn up on a rickshaw but it turned out to be a 30 minute journey and the poor bloke cycling almost collapsed 20 minutes in. The ride ended up costing way more money than the weak joke warranted. Thank God I don't tip but that didn't really matter as I did a runner anyway.

I sneaked past the door security by linking in with one of the Dragons, who thought I was a member of staff who wanted to help carry their arm. It was a very lovely party full of exciting celebrities and a few people I knew from the comedy scene, all of whom kept saying exactly the same thing upon seeing me, "Phil? What are you doing here?".

I drank as much free booze as I could and despite having to hide from the host for the majority of the night, I ended up being the last person there. Another win for Phil!

Which film/TV show would you love to have been in (and which part)?

Growing up, one of my favourite TV shows was Red Dwarf so I would've loved to have been in that at some point. I actually was almost in Red Dwarf once. I'd met the producers who liked my work and was asked to go in for a chat about what part I could play but I had a massive panic attack during the meeting.

I just kept telling the lovely people in the casting department that I couldn't act, despite them arguing that I could (which is usually done the opposite way round in castings). Eventually it all became too much for me and I got on all fours and just crawled out of the room, stood up in the hallway, had a cup of water from the water cooler and then left the premises.

I won't lie, that was the best damn audition I've ever had. I would have been happy playing a toilet with AI so if anyone at Red Dwarf is reading this, I'm still very much available (sure there's a WC vacant/occupied gag here?)

Who's the most interesting person you've ever met?

They were definitely not involved in comedy, that much is certain. I reckon I'm yet to meet them yet as everyone so far has been rubbish... Oooh except for Paul Chuckle. He's a top lad.

What's the best thing in your wardrobe?

The best thing is my favourite and only jacket. My 70s, brown leather, torn and creased jacket. It's lived a life and by the looks of it, a much better one than I have. Oh and there's an odd lady in there too who's obsessed with Turkish Delight (classic wardrobe gag).

When were you most embarrassed?

When I was 12 years old my primary school had an end of year disco. Everyone was so excited about it. I remember my mum ironing my favourite George from Asda tanktop in prep for the big night/early afternoon and my friend Darren had let me apply one of his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle transfers onto my left forearm, it was a lovely image of Krang wearing a hat!

Anyway, about half-way through the disco I had a brain wave and told everyone to come and watch me do something amazing. All three of my friends followed as well as a few kids who thought I had smuggled in some slush puppies. I then emptied out the lost property bin, climbed inside it and started doing THE BEST Top Cat impression they had ever seen at an end of year school disco.

It was going really really well for the first 20 minutes of the already way too long 'Top Cat show', I had the New York accent down to a tee. It was around this point that I suddenly realised that I was stuck and I couldn't get out of the round, metallic bin. My knees had somehow become wedged in there, I suspect it was when I was doing my monologue about the wonders of catnip.

That does sound worth revisiting at some point... but do go on...

I started to panic as everyone else realised that I was stuck and started pointing and laughing at me. Some of the crueller kids commented that at least I was "finally getting some laughs". The more I struggled, the more stuck I became. Eventually the bin toppled over as I frantically pulled at my knees, the bin just kept rolling back and forth in the school corridor as more and more kids came to point and laugh. In fairness, I had drawn quite the crowd.

Eventually, the headmaster came to see what all the commotion was, and upon spying me in my bin prison he just shook his head and said "Typical Ellson" under his breath as he walked away. I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd at least remembered my name correctly. I was in his class and there was only 25 of us in it, but whatever, he was a busy man.

Anyway, he eventually reappeared with a massive tub of lubricant (not sure why it was in his office but I'm sure he had his reasons) and proceeded to lube me out of the bin as the kids slowly dispersed to dance to the third playing of Monster Mash. Now whenever I think of Top Cat, bins, Monster Mash or lube, I shed a little tear for 12 year-old Phil.

How do you feel about cats?

See above.