Marcel Lucont

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Tuesday 20th June 2023

One random comedian, eight random questions; it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate. This week we welcome that pinot-swigging maestro from the European mainland, Marcel Lucont, who's in a charitable mood.

On Wednesday night he'll be appearing at Laugh Till it Hurts at London's legendary Comedy Store, in aid of the Felix Project. Also on the bill are Alistair Barrie (MC), Iain Stirling, Kerry Godliman, Terry Alderton, Geoff Norcott and Ria Lina. How does the lovably louche Lucont approach a gig like this?

"I shall be taking the title extremely seriously," he says. "If I have not inflicted some kind of physical or mental damage on the majority of the audience by the end of the set I will be furious."

Spitting des plumes, as they say back home. He's probably just getting it out of his system though, as beyond this benefit we hear that Marcel will be embarking on a bold new venture, for the most challenging audience of all: he's actively inviting kids.

"Yes, the rumours are true," he says. "I now have a family gameshow, which I am taking to Edinburgh Fringe and some other venues around the UK.

"The idea of it is to essentially undo any decorum and social etiquette that parents have attempted to apply to their children, to reveal the awfulness beneath. Years of attempted rewiring will be undone in around 60 minutes."

Vive la rewire révolution. Marcel Lucont, your Random 8 await:

Who is - or was - your most interesting relative?

Uncle Cedric, absolutely. He lost a bet and ended up managing a travelling circus, which I assisted him with as a younger man. My father described him as like a man who donated sperm to a blood bank: well-meaning but ultimately unwelcome and dangerous. I learned many things from him about showbusiness, mostly how not to do it.

What's the most regrettable thing you've ever bought?

Some bad opium from a man who had previously sold me some excellent wine. The poems written over the subsequent 48 hours will probably never be published and are more likely to end up as court evidence sometime in the future.

How do you feel about cats?

Not a fan. I believe we should let animals go about the planet doing their own thing, not allowing them into our homes.

I have watched a cat rub up against its owner, scratch that owner's hand to ribbons, flash its anus while departing (definitely on purpose), then place a dead bird in their conservatory. This all happened within the space of about five minutes. The animal was still fed a dish better than most parents feed their children.

They know what they are doing, and I see them. Schizophrenic furry bastards...

What's the weirdest thing you've eaten?

I once endured a 'pasty' - it was offered to me while guest of honour at the Tour de Yorkshire and I mistakenly accepted, thinking perhaps it was a North English way of pronouncing 'pastry'. What I received instead of course, was some luke-warm mush in a beige dough handbag.

Which historical figure should get more attention?

Jean-Jacques LeFebvre, a criminally underrated Lyonnais comedian whose invective and disdain for an audience was majestic. His ghost is believed to haunt a theatre in Limoges and it is said he once caused an actor to soil himself during a performance. In a way it is fortunate that very little of his work survives on tape, as most of it would be unbroadcastable.

Ever met a particularly great or awful famous person?

Jean-Jacques LeFebvre, who was both. I also once had Jeremy Clarkson in the audience, who attempted a heckle and will probably think twice about doing so again.

Which TV show would you love to have been in - and which part?

The News, playing the part of Man Whose 10-Metre Statue Was Mysteriously Erected Overnight In Dover.

Do you have a signature dish?

Yes, a boeuf bourguignon that takes so long to cook I have sometimes even managed to have a full sex session during the process.