Joanna Neary

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Tuesday 19th November 2019

One random comedian, eight random questions: it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate. This week's intrepid character is Joanna Neary, who's embarking on an ambitious new venture in the realm of downloadable audio vehicles.

"Wife On Earth is a scripted comedy narrative podcast in which an ordinary housewife Celia, her husband and friends review books in Milton Library, Lower Upping," Neary explains.

"They tackle such weighty issues as Science, The Future and Modern Technology while Celia finds herself in a fantastical romance, featuring celebrity lookalikes and fictional oddballs. It's called Wife On Earth because it was going to be about the history and science of love and marriage, but I wanted to make it broader. And it turned out the history of marriage is actually hideous."

No longer just a historical ring-piece, then, the eventual podcast sounds a pretty epic undertaking.

"Yes, it has been epic in terms of learning about levels, zoom mics and Logic Pro, but it got easier as I went on," she says.

"Co-writer Joseph Nixon has been sending me new paragraphs at all hours, Cornish rapper Hedluv provided the contentious Casio music for the opening song, my husband played Yorkshire guitarist Centre Partin' Martin, and my friends Ben Crompton, Alastair Kerr, Chris Sloman, Adam Buxton, Julia Cloughley-Seddon, Anna Crilly and numerous others kindly recorded their parts, to be edited together by a chancy non-expert."

Notable performances? "Robin Ince's guest appearance, a homage to Brian Cox is an utter delight, clearly done with love and affection. Whereas Michael Legge did the most menacing Love Interest Man I've ever heard."

Wife On Earth is a self-admittedly escapist affair, but "maybe it'll help people forget about our place in the EU for half an hour," Neary muses. "It'll take them back to that oft-forgotten time when only 1% of the population ever gave our place in the EU a second thought. The good old days of 2015."

And what else has the actor/comic been up to?

"Bit parts for TV and film, a live Wife On Earth show and a comedy show about a sea creature that wants to be a human, which I'm touring next spring. It started out as a worthy celebration of the sea/anti-hermit-crab-as-pets campaign but it's ended up being a series of stupid voices and jokes about Rick Stein."

It happens. Joanna Neary, your Random 8 await.

What's the best thing you've ever bought?

My first hardback A6 portrait sketchbook. It's perfect to carry and draw in everywhere. That was in 1989 and I've carried one everywhere I go ever since. I forgot it on a train journey once and I was a bit bereft. That or the life-saving drugs.

Who was your first celebrity crush (and ever met them)?

Paul McCartney but I was so young I didn't count it as a crush; I just wanted to be him, or failing that, second best, his wife when I grew up. I wrote to [TV artist] Tony Hart asking him to get me Paul McCartney's autograph because I thought all famous people lived together at London's BBC TV Centre. Tony Hart sent me his and one from Sarah Greene.

Then it was Matthew Broderick when I was a teenager. I used to have very sweet 1980s style fantasies about him being my boyfriend. He'd pick me up outside of school in his red sports car and I'd suddenly look like a young Debbie Harry and everyone would go 'wow, look, she's not plain at all, how come we never noticed before, we must be thick idiots, and look at her handsome famous boyfriend, that proves she was ace all along,' and then the daydream would end (on a high).

I did meet him this year. I stood backstage with him thinking 'I'm standing next to Matthew Broderick, I'm standing next to Matthew Broderick, I'm standing next to Matthew Broderick'. 14 year-old me would have been so thrilled. I'm so glad the crush ended years ago or I might have fainted or foamed at the mouth. He was very nice and a great actor.

What's your favourite fact?

That you can spot which great masters used lenses and reflections to paint figures, by seeing which limbs are the wrong size or distorted or spotting where eyelines don't meet or the source of light has moved. This really livens up the National Portrait Gallery visits. See David Hockney's 2001 book Secret Knowledge - Rediscovering the Lost Techniques of the Old Masters if you want to know more.

Which place you've visited was the biggest anti-climax?

The Royal Albert Hall to see Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga with my Nan Betty (103), Aunt Irene (74) and husband Pad (52). It was cancelled with half an hour to go, due to illness. The highlight was Pad pretending to suddenly catch a bug from Tony Bennett in the foyer before we went home.

And Irene repeating Pad's stupid statement to Betty in all seriousness: 'Did you hear that, Betty? Pad says it could be worse, we could be being tortured in Iraq.' Betty agreed that that would indeed be worse.

Who are you most envious of?

People who are bilingual. I've been trying to learn French and Russian for years now and my progress is barely perceptible. Maybe one day I'll achieve it, if I put in the ten thousand hours. Then I can be envious of people who can play musical instruments and write songs.

What's your favourite bit of furniture, ever?

My 1955 Arts and Crafts Utility Desk. It's just beautiful to me, a simple design. It's practical and huge and I use it every day. I've just discovered that one of the drawers is filled solely with letter writing equipment so I'm trying to use it all up so I can buy one single set of Champagne Basildon Bond, like the queen might have, or a bishop.

When were you most embarrassed?

I've had so many occasions that I've blocked most of them out. Running up to what turned out to be a complete stranger on Falmouth High Street and shouting 'I got into Brighton' because I was too vain to wear my glasses is one of many.

Thinking it'd be helpful to put my cold hands up the back of Red Pepper's t-shirt to try and cool him down while we were dancing because the disco was too hot at the Underbelly, is retrospectively another.

Screaming when the lift door opened and a woman I'd ran away from was still standing there. What a horrid thing to do to someone. I shouted 'you didn't press up, you didn't press up'. And the doors closed and I never saw her again. That was so mean. Many of the worse ones aren't fit to print.

What's the worst thing in your wardrobe?

A see-through blouse with frilly cuffs and a weird neck ruff. It'll be assigned to my costume department soon (under the stairs). It's perfect for a terrible Steam Punk Woman.

Joanna Neary's podcast Wife On Earth is available now on the Cosmic Shambles network: Listen