Eva Von Schnippisch
Published: Tuesday 5th March 2019
One random comedian, eight random questions: it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate. This week's shrapnel-peppered personality is a conflict and cabaret veteran who's about to meet her Waterloo. Hang on, no - you can meet her in Waterloo. That's it.
"Hi zhere! I'm Eva Von Schnippisch - Germany's greatest underground cabaret star, trained und transformed into Britain's No.1 spy," says Eva, who was trained and transformed by the British writer-performer Stephanie Ware, our spies suggest. "Now zhat ze Official Secrecy Act is over, I'm telling my story: ze truth about who actually won WWII..."
Indeed, and the all-singing, all-marching How Eva Von Schnippisch Won WWII troops triumphantly into the Vault Festival in London's Waterloo from 6-10 March.
But first, Eva Von Schnippisch, your Random 8 await.
What's the best thing in your wardrobe?
Ein beautiful reversible silk kimono. A Japanese empress gave it to me vhile I vos verking for her. I can valk into a room, do my secret spy business, zhen turn ze kimono inside out und escape without anyone seeing me - it's like an invisibility cloak. Kimo-no-I-didn't!
Is there a book that changed your life?
Spy Tricks Für Dummies taught me everything I know. Mein British Army training vos good but ve spent a lot of time drinking gin und playing bridge in ze sun, so I had to brush up in mein own time.
Do you have a favourite device?
Ja, it's my self-pleasure schtick. They come in all shapes und sizes... mine is shaped like a gun. Unlike my garter pistol, it fires blanks. I'm also a fan of ze hand-grenade. I hide two in mein fufu. They confuse a lot of men. Some love it though.
Who are you most envious of?
Marlene Dietrich. Ve used to be ze bestest friends at kindergarten. I always vonted to be an Actress. She wanted to be a Vet. She stole mein dream, she stole mein identity. I taught zhat bitch everything she knows!
What's your favourite mode of transport?
Mmmh, tricky qvestion. If I'm in a alpine situation I like to sledge. It's fast, super quiet und no-one expects it as ein get-avay mode of transport. I like to parachute into places but landing can be a bit... un-specific. On my first jump I got shot in ze chute and fell into a forest, right on top of a man hiding in ze undergrowth. I mean what are ze chances??
Your most interesting injury?
I have a floppy right middle toe. All ze bones are shattered. I was vunce captured by ze Italian Mafia. I vos vorking undercover in Sicily as a travelling tap-dancer. Zhey smashed mein toe vis ein hammer vhen zhey thought I couldn't do the soft-shoe-shuffle. What they didn't realise; is that I was faking it, so I had the last laugh there. Ha!
Do you have a signature dish?
I was born in Bavaria so it's got to be wiener schnitzel vis spaetzle und ein glass of Spezi to vosh it down, it's ze schizzle ja? Followed by ein weissbier of course. Or any German sausage. Bratwurst, bockwurst, weisswurst, frankfurter. A cumberland just won't cut ze mustard I'm afraid.
Who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
Me. Honestly. I've got more kinky stories zhan a drunk Prince Albert.
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