Eleanor Morton

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Tuesday 17th July 2018

One random comedian, eight random questions: it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate. This week's bold contestant is Eleanor Morton, who'll be heading up to the Edinburgh Fringe for most of August. But what with?

"Hello, my show this year is called Great Title, Glamorous Photo," she explains. "If you've seen any of my previous shows but felt like I wasn't sexy or confident or conventionally attractive enough in them, then this show is for you!"

Great! Now, Eleanor Morton, your eight await.

What's the most interesting thing you've ever been bitten by?

The comedy bug! Wahey! I dunno but my sister got bitten by a swan at Legoland when she was eight, and she's never been the same.

Did you have a childhood career dream?

Yes, I wanted to be a comedian. I'm not sure if I still do, or if I just didn't want the stress of changing my career plans after the age of nine.

What was your most memorable haircut?

All my haircuts are very boring. When I was 12 I grew out my fringe. Last year I chopped about four inches off my hair. That's as exciting as it gets. When your hair is a loud colour you don't want to do anything wacky to it that will cause more people to shout at you in the street.

Is there one law you'd introduce to make life less infuriating?

I'd make pay weekly not monthly. That's not very funny but I think it would reduce debt and people's reliance on loan sharks. Call me a maverick, I dare you.

What's the best room you've ever been in?

John Soames house in Holborn has a room where the walls can be rotated. There's a guy who's job is just to turn the walls round every five minutes.

Do you have an opinion on cats?

Cats only have two settings - they are either like the hot guy you wish would notice you and instead snubs you and leads you on, or they're like the guy you don't fancy who is constantly trying to get your attention and rubbing his arse on your sofa.

Where was your most disastrous holiday?

I'm still angry about it. My family went to Boston and Virgin royally fucked up and made us miss flights and lost our luggage for three whole days.

My sister ran out of her medication and got hysterical. I ran out of contact lenses and went whale watching and I couldn't see the fucking whales, and then got seasick. We had to buy emergency clothes from Macy's - all I could find was a dress five sizes too big and a thong. My brother's suitcase contained all the clothes he owned so if they hadn't found it he'd have been fucked.

And then on the first night a ghost woke me up while I was still jet-lagged. It's the only customer service experience I've ever had that gave me PTSD. I can't believe you asked this.

What's your favourite bit of furniture, ever?

It's got to be Salvador Dali's Mae West's Lips sofa. What a crazy guy!!