Count Binface

One random comedian, eight random questions; it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate. Although this week it's not just a comedian, as we welcome our first alien/nobleman/aspiring-MP (well, probably the first - we've been doing this a while now...).

It's the mighty Count Binface, who takes a more democratic route to planetary invasion than some of his scary-helmet sci-fi contemporaries, having stood for several parliamentary seats and made umpteen leading politicians/far-right nutjobs look fantastically awkward at late-night vote announcements along the way.

Now the Count is branching out from, er, counts, and going on tour. But what does a Binface show actually involve?

"Bindependence Day will offer comedy fans an evening full of Count Binface's unique, fascist-beating, sci-fi satire", says our new space-based overlord, "lifting the lid on everything from the real history of Britain, what's really wrong with Planet Earth, and how humans can turn things around, with a little help from Adele, Ceefax, and affordably-priced croissants."

Bringing back teletext is one of his enduring campaign pledges, along with nationalising model railways and renaming London Bridge as Phoebe Waller-Bridge: we've definitely heard a lot worse. So what have been his most memorable moments on the hustings, over the years?

"On your planet I've been on the election trail for seven years now, and I've had all kinds of big moments. But topping the charts must surely be thrashing the fascists of Britain First by nearly 4000 votes in the 2024 London Mayor Election. Sadiq Khan called my victory 'yet another reason to love London', and it was very sweet indeed. Down with fascism, up with Ceefax!"

Can't argue with that. Count Binface, your Random 8 await.

Who was your childhood hero (real or fictional)?

That would have to be my dad, Count Binface the Elder. He helped me to believe I could conquer the omniverse, by giving me a fully-armed laser battle fleet for my tenth birthday. He could be a bit of a bastard, but he knew a good present when he saw one.

What should be Britain's next national anthem?

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. It's a stonking tune, everybody knows it, the words are far more universal than asking a deity to save an old man, and it would ensure that the British Royal Family are Rickrolled on a daily basis. What's not to like?

Which place you've visited was the biggest anti-climax?

Sigma X. It's a real shithole (not to be confused with the paradise that is my home, Sigma IX).
I should also mention Nicholson's Shopping Centre, Maidenhead. That was a bit of a let-down.

Who's the most interesting person you've ever met?

On Earth? There are so many. I think it's a dead heat between John Oliver, Emily Maitlis, Rory Stewart and Ben Fogle.

What's your favourite device, ever?

My time machine. It's incredibly frustrating that I lost it. Not least because the one piece of equipment that would most help me retrieve it is a bloody time machine.

How do you feel about cats (the animal, not the musical)?

Know your place. How can you justify acting all Billy Big Boots when you can get scared by the sight of a cucumber? You pussies.

Which film or TV show would you love to have been in - and which part?

I'd love to have played Tinker in Lovejoy. Me and Ian McShane? A double act for the ages.

Do you have a signature dance move?

I do indeed. The Raygun.

Count Binface: Bindependence Day is touring from September 12.
Tickets