Five Years of First Gig, Worst Gig - Part 2

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Friday 2nd April 2021

Is it really five years since we launched First Gig, Worst Gig and encouraged lots of our favourite comedians to dish the dirt, revisit the hurt and revel in the triumphs? Apparently. So it's a fine time to take a happy wade through those interviews and call it work. For Part One we rounded up the likes of Mark Watson, Sarah Kendall, Adam Kay, Alex Horne and Susan Calman - now here's the best-of FGWG, Part Two.

First gig?

Joseph Morpurgo - It was in a crypt-like student bar; I recall that Ivo Graham was headlining and was precociously brilliant. I was precociously shite.

Athena Kugblenu - An open mic in a freezing cold basement in central London. That's what I remember most - the cold. And being awful. I acclimatised to the conditions.

Nick Revell - September 1980, The Comedy Store. The other performers: Tony Allen, Keith Allen, Andy de la Tour, Rik Mayall, Adrian Edmondson, Nigel Planer, Peter Richardson, John Hegley, Pamela Stephenson. Full house. I was terrified, managed to get through my allotted five minutes without being gonged off. The audience was... volatile, let's say; out for late drinks and blood, most of them. The only one that didn't get the gong that night was Rik Mayall, doing the poet.

Helen Bauer - In Berlin, in 2015. I realised that I had nothing to say, so instead I played Cher's Believe from my phone into the microphone, whilst talking about this guy and how much I love Cher, all whilst smoking a cigarette. I was terrible and the audience were very kind.

Mr Twonkey - The Stand comedy club, it was quite eventful because I used a jar of treacle, and I had a little dragon puppet, called Twonkey. The set was just me preparing food, essentially, in a sort of manic manner. I was actually banned from The Stand because of the use of treacle.

Jessica Fostekew - I had a diabolical mess of jokes which even within three minutes ranged from linguistics to absolute filth. I kept that heartbreaking lack of voice and frantic, aggressive, nervous energy for YEARS, like a legend.

Favourite show, ever?

Helen Duff - Adelaide Fringe 2014, performing in a 'converted' bedroom upstairs in what used to be a brothel, possibly still is, 42 degrees outside, making a cheesecake on stage.

John-Luke Roberts - Probably the first time I did Set List, the improvised gig where you're given your set live on stage. I was so scared ahead of time, that to do it gave me a huge adrenaline rush. I imagine it's a similar feeling to skydiving or righteously killing an enemy.

Jayde Adams - Bristol Comedy Gardens. Sunday 10th June 2018. 1200 Bristolians. I was well nervous because it's home and they want me to do really well. And also it could've been 1200 people I got fingered by when I lived there.

Worst gig?

Jess Robinson - In a way it was Britain's Got Talent, in that I couldn't believe how nervous I was. I really let the pressure of performing in front of the judges and such a large audience get to me. I used to scoff at some of the contestants and their 'nerves', thinking 'ah it can't be that bad.' It really was. The performer before me was booed off.

Matt Parker - A rugby club in Boston, Lincolnshire. We knew it would be a long night when we arrived in the car park and saw the posters titled 'Comedy Night: Free Hotdog'. When the free hotdog gets bigger billing than any of the acts you know what kind of show it will be.

Adam Rowe - A Christmas party that was so quiet, I heard an audience member ask his girlfriend "I thought he was meant to be a comedian? He's just talking." That's the worst type of heckle. Not malicious, not even directed at me, just confusion.

Raymond and Mr Timpkins - We were getting nothing from a cross-armed audience when one of the punters shouted out "make the fat one do something funny." The fat one then clambered halfway back through the audience and got out his willy to show the man. That wasn't funny either apparently so we left. It was a long, long drive home to Portsmouth.

The weirdest live experience?

Spencer Jones - A posh wanky members bar in West London. I came on to my silly music, wearing white tights, and this woman jumps up and grabs me by the cock and balls, hard. I slowly danced backwards away from her but she's not letting go, her arms outstretched and I am now dragging - let's call her Sophie from Chelsea - across champagne-laden tables. She's having a great time but I am not. I'd handle it differently now...

Jen Kirkman - The comedy show that many comedians used to do at a laundromat in NYC. Sometimes people would just ignore the fact that I was performing and ask me if I could change out their dollar bill for quarters for the washing machine. I wanted them to like me so of course I did it.

Lloyd Griffith - The time that our choir sang on The National Lottery Live on Saturday night where we were accompanied by a shitfaced Dudley Moore.

Maria Shehata - In Norway, me and a few other comedians were placed in different apartments, the complex's way of promoting them as housing for out-of-town executives. They'd come around in groups to have food, drinks, and I'd be waiting in the wings like a circus performer.

Amy Howerska - I saw someone shit in a bucket once.

Gavin Webster - I once compered a show at Leeds Music Festival through the night. They were all 'spesh' acts. One woman did the splits onto some broken glass. The best one though was an American bloke who had an act called Spanky Bottom Shakespeare where he had young women over his knee and was spanking them while saying 'now is the winter of our discontent.'

Who's the most disagreeable person you've come across in the business?

Jeremy Hardy - An Israeli soldier who opened fire at a march I was on. But maybe he was having a bad day. Probably nothing personal.

Gabby Best - I hosted a dog show and there was a dachshund who did not take to me at all.

Pope Lonergan - There's a comic who recently won a big award. I tentatively approached and they put their hand up in my face and said "Talking". Next time, I'll eat your fucking hand.

Is there one routine/gag you loved, that audiences inexplicably didn't?

Nadia Kamil - A character called Barbara whose catchphrase was "I like a carpet in the bathroom!" in a New Jersey accent. Now I'm beginning to remember why the career change [Nadia is training to be a doctor].

Joseph Morpurgo - I've tried on two separate shows to employ a picket line outside the show, handing out protest leaflets and waving placards ("Mor-purg-NO!" etc). It never works. If this ever crops up in a future show, we'll all know that I've succumbed to sheer creative death.

The most memorable review, heckle or post-gig reaction?

Jessica Fostekew - In Switzerland, a man who'd enjoyed a bit of a joke I did, instead of laughing, shouted "GREAT COMBINATION OF WRITING AND PERFORMANCE."

Natalie Haynes - the guy who sent me a recipe for sourdough bread after I criticised the price of it. I followed his recipe. And the sourdough starter is still alive in my fridge four years later, and makes me a loaf of bread every week. That is a quality heckle.

Sofie Hagen - Oh god, I think my most memorable review was about three years ago and it still puzzles me. It said a bunch of stuff about the show and then a negative thing - "however the show was exclusively verbal". Wait, I don't know what that means, what did you expect? The hands? Some dancing?

Dane Baptiste - A reviewer remarked that my material was simplistic, poor and would only work as a lowbrow set in a working men's club. A year to the day, they nominated me for Best Newcomer.

Rosie Jones - My favourite post-gig reaction has to be the time I heard one person ask her friend "Did Rosie have a disability, or was she a character comedian?" How offensive would that be, if I were a flipping character comedian!

How do you feel about where your career is at, right now?

Simon Evans - I think it's important not to enjoy life but always to entertain nagging doubts that you should be doing better, doing more, getting more offers and attending more corporate hospitality events at the Emirates.

Jen Kirkman - I'm still a hamster on a wheel. I can afford a nicer wheel now, but I have far to go to hit where I think I'll feel safe and like I'm an industry - someone who becomes invaluable to people because she makes them a LOT of money.

Spencer Jones - Let me have a fag and a think. Hang on...

Simon Munnery - I think about this a lot, on my way to clean out the toilets at the chicken factory, and my conclusion is that it's due for an upturn.