Dave Spikey

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Thursday 9th March 2017

You may know him best for his role in a certain sitcom turned mega Comic Relief stage show (were those mighty Phoenix Nights gigs really two years ago?), or as one of the original 8 Out of 10 Cats team captains, but Dave Spikey was a high achiever before even starting stand-up. And he tells all in his new tour show, which celebrates his 30th year as a comedy turn.

"Juggling on a Motorbike is the story of my life really," says Spikey. "It's a look back on my journey from working class lad to Chief Biomedical Scientist, onwards and upwards to comedy performer and writer.

"Starting by examining my formative years; my childhood and schooldays growing up in Bolton in an attempt to discover who and what made me the man I was who would eventually give up an excellent career in the NHS to hurl himself into the abyss of stand-up comedy when the opportunity arose. Why did I as a person find that opportunity irresistible?

"Why in 1987 - after working in the NHS for 19 years - when someone uttered the immortal words, 'You're really funny, you should be a comedian' did I actually take them seriously?

But I did and only a few short months later I won national the talent show Stairway to the Stars in Torquay, and Larry Grayson, one of the judges, told me afterwards that it was a close-run thing on the night but what clinched the award was my routine about a juggler on a motorbike.

"Fast forward 13 years to Friday 13th October 2000 - the day I switched off my microscope for the last time in the Haematology Laboratory. The following Monday I found myself on a makeshift stage on a rain-swept car park dressed as a giant red berry singing Walking on Sunshine while an inflatable cock and balls grew bigger and bigger behind me..."

Those were the days. So, let's keep the reminiscing going.

First Gig?

It was a talent show heat at Scarborough Opera House in 1987. It's not there anymore, it's a World of Wicker. The heat and semi-finals were held in the bar area and the final in the main theatre. I was in a fledgling double act at the time - Spikey & Sykey and my partner Rick decided he didn't want to go all the way to Scarborough for a talent show but I'd promised the organisers we'd be there so I said I'd go and do it on my own.

I remember it was really well attended and a local family sensing my nervous agitation waiting for the show to start took me under their wing and we're still in touch thirty years later. I don't remember any of the other acts - it passed by in a blur. I won the heat, the semi and then the final and Spikey & Sykey were no more.

Favourite gig, ever?

Phoenix Nights Live at Manchester Arena - 15 nights - 15000 people a night!

Standing in the wings dressed as Jerry for the first time in twelve years, listening to the audiences roar their approval before going on and having them all on their feet singing Brimful of Asha and Black Bin Bags and Wires, in Jerry's clubland swing style: "You got wires, goin' in. You got wires, comin' out of your skin. You got tears making tracks, I got tears that are scared of the facts", then hitting them with Jerry's newly written arena material! Priceless memories.

Worst Gig?

Early days at Blackburn Railway Sports and Social Club. There were no "Alternative" Comedy Clubs nearby when I started so I had to try and build on my talent show success by working the local social clubs. The bouncer on the door asked me what I did. I told him I was a comedian and he said "A comedian!? We never get comedians here."

A sense of dread began to descend, accelerated when the concert secretary entered the dressing room to give me my instructions. "Eight o'clock you go on, do forty minutes then there's a break for bingo and a hotpot supper then you go back on and do your dance spot." Me, confused: "Dance spot? I'm a comedian." "Not my problem" he said as he left.

I went on at the chosen hour and the audience stared at me for ten minutes; I could read their minds "Has he not got a fat mother in law? Does he not know an Irishman who works on a building site?" Then they turned their backs and ignored me for thirty minutes, chatted amongst themselves and made their own fun.

At the interval an angry Concert Sec came into my dressing room and barked, "What the hell was that all about?" I tried to explain I was an observational comic, I only did the odd gag, so he told me to buck my ideas up (not sure what that means). I offered to leave but he wouldn't have it, "Let's hope your dance spot goes down better." "But I'm a comedian, I don't do a dance..." but he'd gone.

I sat in isolation listening to the noise of the bingo, staring out of the window where I could see my car on the car park. I seriously considered climbing out and doing a runner but pride got the better of me and after the hotpot I went back on and did the same forty minutes that I'd done in the first half and they didn't notice and one bloke actually danced.

The weirdest gig?

I hosted a corporate event for a very upmarket management consultancy firm. Black tie, lovely venue, beautiful people and in between every course there was specialty act. I went on, warmed them up, did well then they had their starters and I went back on and introduced Lucy Fire.

So this girl comes on, hair on fire obviously (!) and wanders around eating fire, burning her arms with flaming sticks and all that, and for her finale has a duel with two Egyptian mummies using angle-grinders as weapons. That's Egyptian mummies!

Then the main course comes and goes and with it a bloke in a sort of nappy thing came on - The Mongolian Monkey Boy if I remember correctly - and pierced himself with big (proper big) needles through his nose, his throat, his ears and for his finale turned his back on the crowd, dropped his nappy, pierced his cock, hung a bucket of water on it and mingled with the crowd.

Not many people had dessert. Is that weird enough for you?

Who's the most disagreeable person you've come across in the business?

Nah I'm not falling for that again. Life's too short.

Is there one routine/gag you loved, that audiences inexplicably didn't?

I had a routine about me going to a psychic and clairvoyant - Vinegar Vera - very successful she was (two balls no waiting) and she regressed me, took me back, that's where she took me: back.

Turns out that in other lives, I'd been a dervish, not a whirly one just a bog standard run-of-the-mill dervish. I'd been Ham - not the meat - one of Noah's sons who had a massive argument about letting gophers on the Ark: "Come on dad! You've already boarded woodpeckers, woodchucks, beavers and surely that's enough. May I respectfully point out that the wood that this floating menagerie is constructed of is actually called gopher wood. This is just asking for trouble. We're not going to last forty days out there."

I was also Yannis, a foot soldier at the siege of Troy who after eight years and a night on the Ouzo came up with a drunken yet brilliant plan. "I'm going to build a horse. A big f**k-off horse." His drunken mates were all for it (as drunken mates are). "How big?" asks Stavros. "Big! Big as a house!" - "Brilliant! Then what?" "Then I'm going to hide inside it and they'll take me in the city walls and I'll creep out and open the gates" "Yeah!! I'll come. We'll all come right lads?" Of course they will.

Then I was a cauliflower - yes you can come back as vegetables and you might think that extremely disconcerting, but actually, no - very satisfying because that explains my life-long irrational fear of cheese sauce. "Cheese sauce, David?" "NO, HOT, BURN, Kill." "It's only cheese sauce..."

Okay so it needs a bit of work but it's still funny in my head.

What's your best insider travel tip, for touring comics?

Don't drink too much after a show and get to bed early-ish. You've got to be fresh for your next show, you have that responsibility to your audiences and you'll enjoy the show more with a clear head (OLD MAN Talking!) You'll be sharper and better placed to improvise and extemporize when the opportunity presents itself.

Oh, and also if the fire alarm goes off at 3am and you're on the eighth floor of the hotel, probably better going to investigate than just sticking your head out of the door and sniffing the air. Don't use the lift.

The most memorable review, heckle or post-gig reaction to your stuff?

Review on Twitter: "He was far funnier than I expected him to be"

Best Heckle: Me chatting about lowering of education standards: "Don't you think kids are far stupider these days?" A posh voice from the back immediately corrected me: "It's more stupid."

How do you feel about where your career is at, right now?

I'm on top of my game and loving every minute. I feel that currently I can hold my own against anyone out there but then you have to think that, don't you? Shows are going great, audiences are warm and enthusiastic and feedback is amazing. I'm very lucky.

Dave Spikey's 30th anniversary tour 'Juggling On A Motorbike' begins on Friday. For dates and tickets visit davespikey.co.uk