Susan Calman: 'I hate festivals. I really hate them' interview

The comedy line-up for Latitude Festival 2017 has been announced. Dara O Briain, Katherine Ryan, Simon Amstell, Chris Ramsey, Joel Dommett, Seann Walsh, Andy Parsons and Tim Key will be amongst the many, many comedians bringing laughs to Suffolk festival in July.

There is one name in the line-up that jumps out at us though: Susan Calman. She is not known for performing at outdoor festivals. In fact, she's actively been avoiding them for years. We thought we'd find out what has made her change her mind...

Hi Susan. How is your 2017 going so far? And how are the cats?

2017 is going very well, thanks for asking. I've moved house, the tour is going great, and I've got a punch bag in my garage which means the anger I feel towards the world is sated using the medium of boxing.

And thanks for asking about the cats as well. Sometimes people don't, you know. And what you have to understand is that those cats are my children. Not actually my children of course. There isn't really a family resemblance, although in a certain light Dr Abigail Bartlet does have my nose. But they're amazing. I have two thousand pictures on my phone of them if you're interested? It might take a while to get through all of them but it's worth it, I promise.

Er... moving on. We enjoyed your Radio 4 series Keep Calman Carry On. Have you re-visited any of those 'relaxing' activities again since?

I still struggle to relax. For example, I was away from home for almost two months on tour and also recording a new quiz show for BBC One, and when I finally got home I felt guilty for not working. Even though I really needed a day off. I hate to think that I might be thought of as slovenly or lazy so, as a result, I work constantly and get even more stressed.

The radio show was really interesting because the activities I tried (hillwalking, cricket, art and spontaneity) did work at the time. And I have revisited a couple of them but, if I'm honest, the results have been mixed. I don't think I'm made to be calm. I think I'm always going to live my life in a state of constant panic and worry. But we're recording another series of Keep Calman Carry On in September so we'll see if any of the new activities help me!

As you touched upon, you're currently touring. A number of the dates have long been sold out. Is it nice to see your career has progressed to the extent people are now pre-booking months in advance?

It's amazing. I started off touring in small arts centres and now I'm selling out large theatres in advance. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that people want to come and see my shows. Progress has been slow and steady and a result of a lot of travel and hard work but it's finally paying off.

Speaking of travel, you're based in Scotland... which isn't exactly in the middle of the country. You must be spending a lot of time in cars/on the train at the moment?

It isn't the middle of the country, you are correct. I live in Glasgow which is a bit up the way and then to the left.

I spend an inordinate amount of time on trains, in fact the majority of my time on tour is spent trying to coordinate logistics to ensure I arrive in the right place at vaguely the right time. I don't have a tour manager or a support act so it's just me, my rucksack and my suitcase trundling around the country form venue to venue.

The worst journey on this tour is a nine hour train ride to get to a venue. And no, I won't fly. I have a crippling fear of flying and the only way I can get on a plane is to be heavily drugged, like BA Baracus. Doing a show afterwards would not be easy or pleasant for anyone.

Have you ever been tempted to move south, to be nearer where a lot of your work seems to be?

My life would certainly be a lot easier if I moved to London, but I would never move south, spending most of my life on trains is a price I'm happy to pay to stay in Scotland.

It would be nice if people in London would sometimes remember that not everyone lives there or nearby. I can't tell you how many times I've been emailed by a TV person asking me to "pop in" for a meeting for ten minutes. Which would take about ten hours commuting.

You're taking a break from the Edinburgh Festival this year?

Yes. I do the Fringe every two years now. It means that I can tour a show for about 7 months, take a break, then start writing a new one. I think you have to let yourself live life sometimes and not get trapped in an endless cycle of blind panic having to write a new show every year for the Fringe. Don't get me wrong, I love the place, but it's not essential to succeed. Life does go on outside the Fringe bubble every year, and this year I'm going to enjoy it!

But it has been announced today that you'll be performing at Latitude Festival in July. Are you looking forward to taking part in that festival?

Can I be honest? I hate festivals. I really hate them. I have repeatedly been asked to do them but this is the first one I've said yes to. All the comics I've spoken to say that it's a beautiful one to do so I thought to myself "Calman, stop being a curmudgeonly old bastard". So I'm going to a festival. For the first time. I have no idea how I'm going to cope. It may not be good. But it will definitely be entertaining.

This a new direction for you then...

It's such a new direction that, and this is an exclusive for you, I'm recording an episode of Keep Calman Carry On while I'm there.

I think festivals are the least relaxing thing in the world so a comedian friend is going to try and persuade me I'm wrong. My terror is real. My radio producer is well aware of my feelings so immediately suggested we record my discomfort for posterity. Lovely.

We're guessing you might not be a camping fan either. Will you be staying overnight with the rest of the comedians, or heading home at the end of the day?

I can't head home, I live in Glasgow. As you know that's quite far up and to the left a bit. Commuting is not an option. So I'm camping, and you're right, I don't like camping.

I don't like sleeping next to people I don't know. I don't like sharing toilets. I don't like drunk people. I don't like the outdoors. I don't like noise. I don't like eating outside. This could be a very interesting few days. Come and see my gradual descent into madness in a field. Hurrah!