Lee Nelson interview

Lee Nelson is currently on tour. We find out more below...

Where are you going during your tour?

I'm going up and down the whole of the UK visiting as many crap towns I can get to.

Which part of the country do you get the funniest people?

Manchester. All the older blokes call the younger blokes "our kid", cos they can't be sure.

You're from London - what's the best thing about London? The worst?

London's got the best of everything. Best nightlife, best bars, best clubs. Even our transport's the best - London must have the greatest rail replacement bus service in the world. The worst thing is the crime which, to be fair, I ain't helping with.

How do you deal with all the attention from your fans on tour?

By sleeping with as many of them as possible.

You take the mick out of the audience a lot - has anyone ever taken offence?

Nah, the audience love it! I talk to them, they talk to me. I take the mick out of them, they take the mick out of me. That way at the end of the night, someone gets bottled.

What do you ask for back stage on tour?

I ask for 2 local birds and 2 morning after pills.

What's the best thing about being on tour?

Meeting the fans after the show. They're qwaliteeeeee.

What's the worst thing about being on tour?

I miss my dogs, Benson & Hedges.

How would you describe yourself to someone who's never seen your act?

Well funny, of course.

You've got a fiancée - what's her name and can you tell us a bit about her?

Her name's Amber. And she's 36F-24-34.

How did you meet her? How did you chat her up?

In a nightclub. I still remember seeing her for the first time thinking 'oh my gossssssssssh... you'll do!'

I chatted up with one of my classic chat up lines: "Global warming obviously won't be affecting you babe - coz you couldn't get any hotter! In fact you've melted my heart... and flooded my pants."

How did you propose?

I laid a dozen roses on her bed. She loves the ones with caramel in.

Doesn't she mind when you flirt with girls in your audience?

Not at all cos I'm just talking to them. She don't like me sleeping with them afterwards though so I don't tell her about that.

What would you do if you caught her with another bloke?

Film it.

What was your best ever date?

I cooked her an amazing meal a few weeks ago, she loved it. The truth is I actually didn't cook it, I bought it. Luckily she never realised and just sat in the back of the car eating her nuggets.

Your son's called Stairwell. How come?

We done a Posh and Becks and named him after where we done it!

How has fatherhood changed your life?

Well I got to be more responsible now, I can't just leave my little boy at home, go clubbing, get well drunk, go back to a bird's house and come back to the flat 2 days later. These days I'm a dad. I got to take him with.

How many kids would you like?

Me and Amber are arguing about this at the moment. She wants to have four more whereas I'd quite like to split up.

You've got a 13-year-old sister. Are you protective of her?

Yeah but I wish she'd be more protective of herself. She's four months pregnant.

What were you like at school?

Naughty. I hated school, they were the worst three weeks of my life.

How many times did you get expelled and why?

Just the once obviously, you ain't allowed back! I was kicked out for slashing the headmaster's tyres. It was well funny, he was stuck in his wheelchair for 20 minutes!

Do people recognise you in the street? What do they say?

All the time. The boys give me a fist bump, the girls give me a snog. And everyone gives me 'qwaliteeeeeee'.

Do you like being famous?

Yeah, it's brilliant. The only down side is being photographed all the time. Like last week, when I was minding my own business... doing 60 in a 30.

You have had a number of run-ins with the law recently. Can you tell us about the time you stole your own DVD and what happened when you tried to get a waxwork of yourself into Madame Tussauds?

I have the right to remain silent.