Lachlan Werner's top 10 spooky heroes

Written by: Lachlan Werner
Published: Wednesday 16th October 2024

Lachlan Werner is presenting a special edition of hit show Voices Of Evil on Halloween night. To tie in with this, we asked Lachlan to give us a list of spooky heroes.

What defines a creepy icon? As the world's first (recorded) queer, horror-infused, British-American ventriloquist, who has spent more than half his life talking to a toy witch puppet, I am led to sometimes ask; what the hell has led us here?

This list of my monstrous idols and inspirations will probably shock you; I apologise for that. I can only be honest. If you're wondering why Pennywise isn't on this list it's because he was in my year at Gaulier and he wasn't very nice to me.

1. Carrie

You might think I'm starting with an obvious one - but I'm not talking about the titular icon from Stephen King's novel. I'm talking about the musical that's named after her. Yep, blood drenched prom queen Carrietta White might have been the memorable underdog turned telekinetic killer protagonist of a huge hit novel and huge hit film, but she's also the star of a huge 1988 Broadway musical flop (flops being one my favourite niche interests). Go and listen to the bootleg recordings on YouTube and you will quickly understand why this show ran for five shows despite an eight million dollar budget.

I aspire to one day create such a colossal theatrical disaster. There is something exhilarating about knowing the Royal Shakespeare Company and the team behind Fame (working on this simultaneously on different continents) invested so much into a show where the climactic blood bucket scene was unachievable on stage. I want everything I make to be this disarmingly impractical and ambitious.

2. Cesare the Somnambulist

From 1920 comes the pioneering, shadowy expressionist nightmare that is The Cabinet Of Dr Caligari. I've watched it several times and, though the plot is still not clear to me, I love Cesare.

Cesare is a sleepwalker who can predict the future in his state of slumber. He is owned by Dr Caligari and is a sideshow attraction. His design is all kinds of queer'd - a kind of proto-Edward Scissorhands - and the haunting delicacy of this wiggly turtle-necked ghoul is not celebrated enough. Do I love him mainly because he is long-limbed, has a bowl cut and says horrifying things? No comment.

3. Jessica Harper

A deeply underrated horror icon. So slept on by film bros and buffs. I've seen this actor appear in so many films I didn't know she was going to steal. I would go so far as to call Harper Emma Stone's predecessor. The smokiness, the understated and knowingly vulnerable relationship with the camera at all times, the deep timbre of her voice. For me her performance makes Suspiria a great film. She's a master of the beauty of camp.

Her horror career extends to saving a pretty convoluted film called The Phantom Of The Paradise with her vocals. Yes, Jessica can SANG.

But her absolute transformation as Janet (of Brad and "Damnit" Janet fame) in the Rocky Horror sequel (yes, look it up) Shock Treatment, is a camp triumph that lives rent-free in my mind.

4. Robbie Williams

Take That breakout star Robbie Williams might seem out of place on a list of my spooky heroes but nothing haunts me more than the Rock DJ video.

He literally takes off his skin? Guys? His skin comes off and then he takes off his horrid sinewy muscles and he even takes off his actual ass and throws it at someone?

This is a masterclass in Grand Guignol, and the final image evokes medieval "dancing with the dead" motifs. The incongruity with the song's tone is a stroke of horror mastery. Robbie somehow uses body horror here to make a bold comment on the insatiable consumption and devouring of celebrities' entire selves, in a music video for a song which contains the lyrics "If you can't get a girl but your best friend can It's time to move your body".

I know it was 25 years ago but are we ever going to get round to unpacking this? It is also the song I request at every single party.

5. Tiny Tim

I have big questions about Tiny Tim.

Did he know how creepy his cover of Tiptoe Through the Tulips was?

And can someone from the 1960s tell me if that was his niche at the time? Did he find himself getting a lot of Halloween bookings and how did he break out of the box of 'novelty act'? Asking for a friend*.

The way Tiny Tim seems truly unassuming and oblivious to his own creepiness is clown-like. I love this style of creepy.

(*An imaginary one that I make talk.)

6. Nina Conti

Not inherently creepy other than being a ventriloquist, but you know what is weird? I have personally never seen myself and her in the same room at the same time...

Coincidence?

7. Little Red Ridinghood

Again, this one may seem rogue. But over the course of developing Voices Of Evil I came to really appreciate the feral nature of this character in all her incarnations. In many adaptations, this child - whose journey into the forest is often directly interpreted as a tale of puberty, coming of age, carnal awakenings, etc - is described as hungry, or even bloodthirsty. In a proper telling, Little Red is every bit as beastly as her canine counterpoint.

Angela Carter's rendering is the top for me though, and was a huge inspiration in writing my first show. Carter follows the famous "all the better to smell you with, to see you with, to hug you with, to eat you with" line of threat with such a powerful paradigm shifting ending. Red Ridinghood laughs in the wolf's face ("she knew she was nobody's meat") and proceeds to seduce him.

The closing image is of the girl cradling the wolf - the gentleman who we are told historically will charm and devour our young hero - while wolves howl outside the cottage. She picks lice from his hair and eats them, and eventually falls asleep in his paws.

Feral.

8. Big Bird

This one's not a hero of mine. I don't like him. I can't believe he's still working despite the allegations.

9. Steve Martin and Bill Murray in Little Shop Of Horrors

Oh my god, what a treat. Steve Martin is just brilliant as the sadist dentist from his entrance. From his dumb motorcycle to the clearly green-screened backdrop he smirks against, he is having delicious fun. This role is almost too easy for Steve Martin. He swans around, upper lip curled like Elvis, relishing the horrid metallic squeak of his tools in a victim's mouth, howling like a hyena as he slurps laughing gas. He even punches a young Miriam Margolyes (playing a dental nurse) in the face.

Then enters Bill Murray. Bill Murray as a masochistic dentist's patient - "I've been saving all month and I'm sure I need a long, slow root canal".

Bill Murray and Steve Martin, in a scene so charged with stupidity and playfulness, but also a fascinating battle of power.

Somehow Murray steals the scene from the movie stealing Martin, makes a straight man of one of the most outrageous characters in musical theatre.

It actually has strong echoes of Carter's Little Red Ridinghood. The bully frightened only by the delight of his victim. Watching Bill Murray's inept, unbearably chatty patient annihilate the bullish machismo of Martin's dentist is so joyous.

10. Old man who I once saw sneeze into his own kebab

I don't need to say much more.

Me and my sister gagged and wretched all the way home after witnessing this.

Lachlan Werner: Voices Of Evil will be at The Pleasance Theatre, London, on Thursday 31st October. Tickets