Dr John Dolittle PhD: top 5 animals who have wronged me (and will wrong you too)

Ahead of his upcoming book launch: Dr Dolittle Kills A Man (And Reads Extracts From His New Book) at Soho Theatre, the good doctor reveals which animals he will never trust again, and if you value your wallet or honour, neither should you.

Yes, the animal kingdom has cute kittens and big-eyed sheep (like you see on DVDs), but it's also full of deceit, murder and extortion (like you see on Blu-rays).

So here are the five most terrible creatures that I, Dr Dolittle, hope to never have the displeasure of bumping into again:

5. Barry Hooters: The owl who played Hedwig

Simply put, Barry Hooters owes me so much money. I was his acting agent for over 25 years, and in the early days he was like a second son to me (my other son is also an owl). We had met one night huddling in a barn during a blizzard, and we quickly bonded over our shared love of Francis Ford Coppola.

Everything was rosy until he hit the big time, that's when the trouble started. Harry Potter changed Barry Hooters (and no I'm not talking about any transfiguration spell, I'm talking about GREED).

Since then, whenever I approach him to get my 10% cut, he looks at me with those big eyes and he just flies away. He has done the same thing after every Harry Potter film. It's really frustrating. There is no way to catch him.

Google.com will tell you that seven different owls played Hedwig: Gizmo, Kasper, Oops, Swoops, Oh Oh, Elmo and Bandit. This is a lie. They were all Barry Hooters wearing different moustaches, in order for him to make more money.

4. Lyka: the first dog into space

It should have been me in that rocket, oh it should have been me! I trained just as hard as that mutt and I have fingers so I could push all the buttons. That damned dog stabbed me in the back, she'd been telling me all along that she didn't even want to go into space, she was just happy to be at the training camp, hanging out as "one of the lads". Do not trust a word she tells you.

Oh, and to top it all off, recently declassified Kremlin documentation has revealed that Lyka was put in the rocket by mistake. Apparently there was some kind of funny mix-up; Yuri Gagarin and I were meant to be in that shuttle all along, rather than competing in the 1957 Soviet equivalent of Crufts. We came 1st and 3rd respectively, and you best believe Yuri didn't let me forget it (I was well groomed and great at running through the tunnel, but I just couldn't get the hang of the see-saw).

And before you accuse me of being a Cold War traitor, I'll have you know I was only in Moscow at the time acting as a quintuple agent (or was it quadruple? I'm not sure, it was all very confusing... but the wall's down now, so hey-ho!).

3. One horribly ugly duckling

Honestly, if you'd had looked at this duckling you would have gagged. I don't know if I have ever seen a more miserable and disgusting looking creation in my whole life (and yes, I am including Gollum!). But when this poor wretch waddled up to my 5-bed Victorian townhouse in Fulham, did I cast him from my door? No. I took him into my home, I gave him bread, I taught him to read badly and write poorly, I treated him like my own kith and/or kin (don't know what these mean).

And, as I watched this hideous bird grow, so too did my family's love for him. He went to school with my children and was on his way to becoming a priest at our local church.

So how did he wrong me? Well here's the twist. He wasn't a duck at all; on his eighteenth birthday he turned into a bloody swan! My sworn enemy; the species of bird which killed my father in 1805 at the Battle of Austerlitz. If I didn't have such respect for our Royal Family, I would have shot him there and then. That's when I cast him from my door, and I'm proud to say we never saw him again.

They say a swan can break a man's arm. Well that's nothing, this one broke my heart.

2. Swans

See previous for details.

1. Brian Griffin from The Family Guy[i]

Ok let me start this last one off by saying that I absolutely love [i]The Family Guy. He's a very funny guy, and I'm glad that he has such a funny family. I've always been a big fan of The Family Guy and I'd like to give him and his family a big shout out! I wish them all the luck in the world and a joyful New Year.

But this bloody anthropomorphic dog... goodness, talk about a snake in dog's clothing! Picture this, I'd flown all the way out to Cannes for the world premiere of the long-awaited sequel: The Family Guy 2: This Time It's Clobbering Time. Then, after waiting in the crowd for hours (0.4 hours to be precise), all I politely asked him for was one autograph, made out to my sickly yet erudite daughter who also has the name 'Dr John Dolittle PhD'. And what does Brian Griffin do? He points to his Rolex and tells me that it cost more than I make in a year. Unbelievable!

The film was very good though, especially the cool scene where Quagmire drives a tank up a ramp and crashes into a helicopter, destroying the last Martian clone. Strongly recommended, I give it 5 chimps out of 5.

So there you have it. If you see any of the critters above, I suggest staying well clear.

You don't have to worry about Lyka of course, she never made it back home; my old Soviet handler told me that she stayed in space to be the 'Grand President of the Moon' and from what I've heard, she's doing a very good job.

Best wishes and sending kisses to the missus,

John

Dr Dolittle Kills A Man (And Reads Extracts From His New Book) is running at Soho Theatre, Dean Street, between Thursday 30th January - Saturday 1st February at 10:30pm. sohotheatre.com