Christopher Bliss: Spaghetti On The Catwalk

Christopher Bliss is British Comedy Guide's favourite author. We're very excited to be able share the full copy of his new 'novel', Spaghetti On The Catwalk:

Chapter 1

Maria Spaghetti was the biggest fashion designer in Italy, but she wasn't exactly the friendliest knife in the box. It was midday, and Maria was 8 hours late for work. She came stamping through the square outside the office, when a little boy came up to her and tapped her on the elbow. "Excuse me miss, I've lost my daddy." Maria pushed him into a bush and spat on him. "Don't you know who I am?" she shouted. "I don't have time for little wannabes like you."

She burst into the main hall and her assistant, Sebastian, ran across to greet her. "What is it this time?" she shouted, as she pushed him onto the floor and spat on him. "Maria, you just missed a meeting with Roberto Roberto!" Maria suddenly went silent. You could hear a pin if you tried. Roberto Roberto was the sexiest man of the year in the world, and everyone wanted to work with him.

Maria ran outside to find him. "Roberto I'm sorry I missed the meeting," Maria shouted at the top of her mouth. "Please be my model on the catwalk next week!" "OK I'll be your model," said Roberto, "but on one condition. Help me find my son, he was playing around here five minutes ago."

Maria turned as red as the upper third of a traffic light. "You promise that if I find him you'll wear my clothes on the catwalk?" "Promise times ten." And they shook on it. "He's over there in the bush," she said, and turned to go. "See you at the catwalk Roberto!"

But just as the little boy was being pulled out of the bush, he saw Maria Spaghetti walking into the office. "That's the woman who pushed me and spat on me," he whispered to his dad. Roberto's eyelids got a little bit closer to each other. "Hmmm... I'll wear her clothes alright," he muttered. "I'll wear them inside out..."

(Wearing your clothes inside out is the worst fashion mistake in the World. Even worse than wearing them back to front.)

Chapter 2

A week later, all the biggest fashion designers came together at the catwalk, and they were all at the top of their game.
First up was Tony Tagliatelle: leather jacket, and a leather shirt and tie to match. Next up was Peter Pasta, showcasing his beautiful thick woolly ballgown. Finally it was Roberto Roberto's turn, wearing Maria Spaghetti's famous outfit. A lovely white trouser down each of his legs, and a brilliant blue windbreaker on top. But all of his clothes were inside out...

The crowd were silent. You could hear pins on the ground. Someone at the back actually passed out. Roberto Roberto walked down the catwalk with a big smile on his face. He felt like a dentist with everyone's mouths so open. "This," he shouted, "is called revenge."

Suddenly the whole place erupted in cheers. Everyone started taking their clothes off and turning them inside out, shouting "Revenge! Revenge!" Roberto stormed off, furious, but the crowd wanted their new hero. "Where's Maria Spaghetti?" they all shouted. But she'd passed out at the back. She was carried to the front and her unconscious body was dumped graciously onto the stage. She was sprawled out on the catwalk, just like a piece of spaghetti. But her surname is also Spaghetti, and that's why the ending is clever.

British Comedy Guide would like to thank Rob Carter for his help in liaising with Christopher.