Anna Mann - My pantomime highlights

Written by: Anna Mann
Published: Monday 28th November 2016

The festive season is nearly upon us. It's a busy time for performers, including top actress Anna Mann. In advance of the two Christmas Comedy Bonanza shows she is hosting this week at Battersea Arts Centre, we asked Anna to tell us what it has been like to perform in many Pantos over the years. This is what she sent us:

Christmas is coming and we're all getting lovely and round and that's fine. It's seasonably acknowledged that 'fat is good' right now and anyone too thin should be treated with immense suspicion or even shunned.

Everyone is very excited as trees get daubed in plastic stuff and we all wear red to ward off the evil spirits ('Danger evil spirits, don't come here and ruin our yule!'). It's all a lot of fun, and we all get to scream home truths at each other around a stuffed bird (Grandma Mann).

But spare a thought for those whose Christmas is all about being coated in hard sweets and the jeers of ungrateful children and their unforgiving mums and dads. I'm talking about those unfortunates who must spend Christmas in dirty old used tights, their only food the crumbs left by the audience and their only refuge the dressing room where (if they're anything like me) they may be forced to sleep the festive season through, due to an ill-timed affair with that man from Londis. I'm talking about those actors appearing in Panto of course.

I'm thankfully banned from all Panto for the next 5 years (even as the arse end of a horse) due to a 2 hour onstage rant about Gove during the glass slipper scene, so I won't be able to squander the chunk of cash I usually get. But I've had a riotous career in that most British (i.e. rubbish) of art forms, the Panto.

Here, my elves, let me treat you to a few of my highlights from memory lane:

1. Drunk old Freddie Basden

A well-loved hell raiser from back in the day. Always out every night, off his face. But he'd always be back on the stage at 5pm the next day (which was too early, we didn't start till 6), full costume (never his own), ready to go as a very dashing (if a little hairy) Captain Hook. All sorts of hi jinks surrounding this fellow. The best, of course, being when he almost drowned in his own vomit between scenes. Good old days!

2. Anna gets wet

Back in the day, I had a lovely pair and it wasn't considered bad form to give a bit of blue for the dads. So, midway through a 1977 performance of Dick Whittington and Aladdin Fight the Wolfman, I'd perform what was essentially a wet t-shirt dance. Nowadays of course you'd probably think of this as a little sexist... but then it wasn't nowadays back then, it was them days, and frankly I was a lot happier / richer.

3. Last night pranks!

Eastbourne 1984! Anna is appearing as the wicked Step Dog in Cinder-old-yella (very clever interpretation), a long and dreary run which me and best pal Sue Clinch decided to liven up with some classic last night pranks. Sue faked a heart attack and paramedics were called out; I replaced the large sausage with a slightly larger one (completely baffling Old Frankie Forceps who was sadly completely blind by then); and then the two of us pretended to be IRA terrorists and blew up most of the backdrop. Who cares? It was Eastbourne - I've got the key to the city of Leicester, they can shove it!

4. Stabbing

A certain un-nameable (I can't remember his name) but very famous big actor completely lost it during the fight scene of Peter Pan. Having refused to learn the fight moves, claiming he was born to fight, he ended up stabbing half the people there, many of whom were just in the crowd. He sadly entirely missed Peter Pan, so not even remotely true to character.

5. Santa don't exist kids

Got me banned from all of Wales. Don't perform on Vermouth!

6. 3 hour standing ovation

Sadly we only had one in the audience and they were MAD.

7. The trapdoor

So Sue Clinch is supposed to rise out of the ground as Sea Witch Blobba (typecast - poor Sue!) during the infamous whitebait scene (had to eat a whole bucket - sick) when it turns out the trapdoor opens inwards. Poor Sue pushing against it eventually breaks through, but at the cost of much of her headdress and what was left of her hair. This was when she finally did have that heart attack - but what a way to go! (She lived, sadly).

So there you go. As I say, you won't be catching Anna in a panto this year... but look out 2021. I will be back!

Merry Xmas Darlings,

Anna xxx

Anna is hosting two Christmas Comedy Bonanza shows at Battersea Arts Centre on 1st and 2nd December 2016. The great line-ups include Tim Key, Liam Williams, Richard Gadd, Mae Martin, Adam Hess and many more funny people. Info & Tickets

BCG would like to thank Anna's assistant Colin Hoult for helping to arrange this interview.