Tiffany Stevenson: Just like John or Injuns

Written by: Tiffany Stevenson
Published: Friday 8th February 2013

In this blog post Tiffany Stevenson argues that the government should adopt 'honesty is the best policy' as a policy...

Triple Dip - we keep hearing this phrase from politicians, I'm not a fan of it. It sounds like a fun ride at a water park - I prefer honesty. Something along the lines of 'We are in a massive fucking recession, it's not getting better any time soon and we have no intention of forcing the people who caused it to pay for it, so shut up proles'. Admittedly nowhere near as catchy, but honest.

It's been a tough January this year: the death of HMV, the death of 'calm down dear' Michael Winner and the death of the hope we all felt during the Olympics. One of these I am not remotely bothered about... HMV obviously, as I won't have to gaze upon countless Winner 'Best Of' box sets.

So honesty rears its ugly head again - why are we so quick to gush over people when they die? I would like death to have a bit more candidness... 'Honesty Headstones' if you will. 'Here lies Joe Bloggs... always left the milk out of the fridge, bit of a bell end, made some cool clothes in the 90's'

Why are we so partisan at funerals? Funerals should be more like weddings, the pews should be segregated. Instead of 'Bride' and 'Groom' it should be 'For' and 'Against', one side can scatter the earth, the other can sling mud.

Maybe we are too afraid to say what we actually think? What if we all just said, without editing what we ACTUALLY thought? Then we would probably have Asperger's. Before you get all offended and upset SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAVE ASPERGERS. For every horrific, blunt remark that could use a bit of sugar, there is one that uniquely cuts to the core of a situation. For example that girlfriend who everyone disliked but we were all too polite to say... apart from Captain Asperger's, who exploded.

January felt positively Dickensian, or I should say 'negatively Dickensian'? Snow causing massive upheavals, there's the ever widening 'poverty gap' (another political sound bite, not a seconds shop in a satellite town's retail park), and coverage of women in the media is still centred on 'princesses' (Kate Middleton, Nicole Scherzinger) or 'whores' (Rhianna, Jordan) - this seems to be the only categories that women can exist in, Estella or Nancy. Most shockingly though is the return of 'servants' at the House of Commons dining rooms... some people even have three of them. It's frustrating to have the privileged tell us how to live our lives and cut back when most people are struggling to keep their heads above water, all whilst David Cameron places a size 10 expensive shoe on top of their noggin.

So let's be honest, January was shit for all of us... we put on weight at Christmas, we overspent, we froze our tits off, and we paid our tax even though Starbucks still haven't paid theirs. Someone (me) even had an operation on their tongue and then burst their stitches and had to get it stitched again - this feels like a bit of blatant sympathy mongering, just while we are being honest. It's time Cameron and co started being a bit more honest. As the saying goes 'honesty is the best policy' and if that is the only policy they can manage to fulfil, at least it's a start. Then all they have to do is get rid of their 'servants' and start ordering in the coffee... not from Starbucks.

Tiffany Stevenson is currently performing her uplifting, heartfelt show 'Uncomfortably Numb'. Catch her at the Leicester Comedy Festival on Tuesday 19th February, the Glasgow Comedy Festival on Saturday 16th March and the Soho Theatre from 17th - 20th April. www.tiffanystevenson.co.uk