Tiff Stevenson: 10 Cringey Things That Inevitably Happen When You Get Fit

Written by: Tiffany Stevenson
Published: Saturday 21st February 2015

The BCG team has decided to get a bit healthier in 2015. Our first few trips to the gym have been a bit of a shock (on both the wallet and heart), so now we're wondering what other issues are lurking ahead. Stand-up comedian Tiff Stevenson has become an expert on this topic, so she's kindly written us a list of 'cringey things that inevitably happen when you get fit'...

1. You have to start rocking a 90's grunge look. Those jeans that were once drain pipe skinnies are now baggy as all hell. Either embrace that shirt being two sizes too big and style your hair in curtains or buy a whole new wardrobe. First world problems in a nutshell.

2. Everyone wants to have sex with you, and I mean everyone. Including the people who work in the gym. Then it's just an endless round of 'I'm sorry, I'm washing my hair... literally it's full of sweat' or 'Gary you can't bench press with an erection, it will end in tears / a hernia'.

3. You become one of those smug people who tweets 'just heading in for body pump session'. Or worse you Instagram a photo of a ragged cliff top offsetting luminous trainers, accompanied by the words 'PB! Never thought I could run 10 miles' and other such inspirational hatefulness. (I have never totally done this).

4. People know you care about your appearance, like a lot... enough to actively do something about it. You have to admit that even though it's fun when you're in a car to stick your arm out and see how fast your bingo wing flaps, a little part of you also dies. I care that when I take my bra off, biscuits fall out. See... I'm now doing press ups... colour me vain.

5. You make your other friends feel bad when you clear two flights of stairs without feeling like you are having a stroke. You can even carry on a conversation about Bradley Cooper... about how, although he is sexy, he also looks like he shouts his own name when he climaxes. Your friends don't even have the energy to laugh at your hilarity. You doubt your funniness. Bad.

6. You believe that you are so super fit, sexy and full of confidence that you probably could marry Bradley Cooper. You'd just have to meet, you know... at a premier or the Oscars or something. He would see you and instantly dump his girlfriend who looks a little bit like you anyway... so what? You are Hollywood fit, you have abs that could slice pumpernickel bread (you've stopped doing carbs) and you look a million dollars... even your inner critic doesn't stop you by saying 'yeah, Zimbabwean dollars'. You'll fall in love, and when you have sex together he will shout YOUR name. You actually believe this. Actually.

7. Once you are fit you want to become more active generally and suggest going out for 'fresh air' which is met with cries of derision such as 'What's wrong with stale air? We can light a candle' or 'It's Two For Tuesday and American Horror Story is on dickhead', you shrink back into your room and do more sit ups.

8. You can really enjoy indulging in junk food without the guilt. You remain silent whilst your friends tuck into snacks saying 'I'll join the gym tomorrow' and 'Are trans fats good or bad?' followed by tears and sometimes midnight Uber's to buy more snacks. Wait... maybe that's cringey things that happen when you get stoned.

9. You start recognising the terrible techno they play in the gym. In fact you start enjoying it as you associate it with the exercise endorphins. Then you go to a super hip party in Dalston and request Mr Saxobeat and get repeatedly hit over the head with a Belle & Sebastien vinyl.

10. You write cringey lists about cringey things that happen when you get fit.

Tiff Stevenson will perform her stand-up show 'Optimist' at the Soho Theatre from Wednesday 25th to Saturday 28th February 2015. Info and tickets are available via www.sohotheatre.com