Paul Kerensa - Heckled by God
Published: Saturday 4th May 2013
Comedian and writer Paul Kerensa's new book So A Comedian Walks Into A Church is about the twin circuits of stand-up comedy and churches, and Paul's experiences of both. To address the issue of religion and comedy, he imagines a gig with one omnipresent audience member...
"Good evening! Nice to be here..."
"Get off!"
"Oh thanks. Talk about an early heckle."
"Taxi for the comedian!"
"Alright, give it a rest."
"I do that on the seventh day."
"Ooh, got a God complex, have we, Mr Heckler?"
"Sort of. I'm God."
"Oh. Didn't know that. Can't see the audience. Lights are so bright it's like I can see my dead ancestors calling me home..."
"It's not like that. It is that. Carry on with your set."
"Oh, thanks. Let's talk about religion..."
"Yes, let's."
"Er... religion eh? What's that all about?"
PAUSE
"Were you expecting me to answer?"
"Er, no God, I just got a bit nervous. Knowing you're in the audience. The comedy set is a bit different when you're not in."
"I'm always in."
"Right. And what if I don't believe in you?"
"I'm still in."
"Yeah but if I don't believe in you, that's not going to bother me, is it? If I don't think there are any pearly gates, or even non-pearly gates, or any kind of divine accountability... then I can say whatever I want?"
"Of course you can. You can say what you want whether you believe in me or not. Free will. Another zinger from the G-man. I say 'man'... it's complicated."
"Great. So this comedy stage is still the last bastion of free speech?"
"If you want to call it that. Although know that there may be people in your audience who do believe me, or at least are a little sensitive on the subject."
"Sensitive, shmensitive. I can't be accountable for whose feelings get hurt when I'm thwacking my comedy balls out of the comedy park. You don't dig my jokes? Get out."
"Oh. Your website says you approach each gig aiming to make everyone in the room laugh themselves silly. Do you mean everyone once you've filtered out those who don't dig your jokes?"
"Hey, I could say 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' and find some farmer crying in the front row because Clucky's just been run over. You never can tell who'll take what personally. Offence is subjective, and not my business. Comedy is my business."
"Which is also subjective. You're quite right - you don't know who'll take what personally. But you'll also find that some of your gags will work and some will not, and that changes gig to gig."
"Yeah. Some work. Some are off-nights. So?"
"So audiences vary. And some nights you'll get some who don't like what you're saying. So long as you at least know that your jokes aren't victimless. Talk about what you like, and if you want to rock the boat, you can do that. Just know that you've rocked it."
"Hey, I always know when I've rocked it. Had the audience chanting for more at my last gig."
"All of the audience?"
"Most of them. There were a couple of grumps down front."
"With great power comes great responsibility."
"I knew you were Yoda!"
"That was Uncle Ben in Spiderman. Well, me first."
"So I can keep saying what I like onstage, just be aware of the weight of what I'm saying. That the idea?"
"You talk about religion till you're blue in the face, which, since that most final of stage deaths you just experienced, you now are. Look, I'm no censor. It's good that religion is talked about. It's one of those Big Things. Just be aware of those who hold beliefs, even if you disagree with them, and give a little respect..."
"Now you're quoting Erasure. Well I'll try, but sometimes I don't want to play nice."
"Okay. Just know that what you're saying may be taken personally. As personally as someone making jokes about your wife or your mum."
"Alright, leave it God, you've crossed a line. I don't come to where you work and... have mysterious ways. Ooh, time to get off - I can see my red light, thanks God."
"I didn't put a red light anywhere."
"What? Really? Then how come I can see a red... Does that mean... Oh. Oh no..."
"Joking. It is my red light."
"Phew. So where am I going then? Heaven? The other place?"
"The third: Purgatory. It's not very popular nowadays but it still exists. I've booked you for a run of gigs, each across the country from the next. You're driving that comedian who only talks about the gigs he's stormed, the comic with BO, and that fella who doesn't pay petrol money. Have a nice eternity."
COMEDIAN WALKS OFF TO SOUND OF ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS. UNCLEAR IF IT'S BECAUSE GOD'S CARRYING HIM, OR BECAUSE GOD'S GONE TO THE BAR WHILE COMEDIAN LEAVES AND TRIES TO GET PAID.
To find out more about Paul visit www.paulkerensa.com
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