Mr. Swallow's gig diary
Published: Tuesday 4th December 2012
Mr Swallow's diary below reveals that his time in Edinburgh in 2012 wasn't all smooth sailing for him.
01.08.12 - First show nerves have finally set in. Solution: figs. Sold out tonight apparently. Taken to practicing my American accent on the bus. Keep on getting weird looks. What's wrong with y'all! Have decided to drop the American accent for tonight's show.
02.08.12 - Hardly anyone has booked to see the show tonight - strange. Last night technical problems ensured the show was conducted in COMPLETE darkness throughout*
*I didn't actually mind it.
03.08.12 - Lights working again, everyone walked out of tonight's show - can't put my finger on it. This show is sure splitting audiences! #insane
04.08.12 - Due to an admin error the show wasn't advertised as happening tonight. Not the best start to the Fringe if I'm honest. Still getting used to the fact that I'm going to have to do this every day. Already feel ill.
05.08.12 - Press night. Terrified. Fortunately it's for an online publication and I know the reviewer. Have made her a kind of dress but Goldsworth didn't have time to post it in advance - oh well.
06.08.12 - She hated it. Blacks Monday today too, hell.
07.08.12 - Have had complaints about the term Blacks Monday. Don't know what everyone's problem is - we do discounts for Millets staff every Wednesday too. Chill out guys.
08.08.12 - The sun is out! Goldsworth is worried about getting burnt. Celebrating our first review with a can of Archers and lemonade. Goldsworth already pissed and it's not even midnight! Haven't seen him this bad since Shrove Tuesday. I'm not reading reviews this year and so I have no idea what it says - surely a cause for celebration!
09.08.12 - Can't wait for the halfway party. When is this? How do I work it out?
10.08.12 - Venue staff keep accidentally revealing the audience numbers before each show. Really depressing. Have asked them to pretend it's sold out every night from now on. I'm a precious beast!
11.08.12 - Problems with the Edinburgh flat. Boiler door fallen off to reveal no boiler! Have contacted the owners.
12.08.12 - Owners of flat popped round and not impressed with all the mess. Have asked if the venue staff want to earn another £3 a day stopping by the flat every half hour and doing a little rinse and shine.
13.08.12 - Have decided to re-write 98% of the show.
14.08.12 - Changes to the show didn't work. Should have told the tech in advance. Reverting back to the "old" show. At least I got to showcase my American accent! Y'all didn't like it!
15.08.12 - Gutted - missed the halfway party. Me and Goldsworth think an animal might have come in in the night and been sick in one corner of the living room.
16.08.12 - Someone stopped me today and said the show was the best thing they'd ever seen. (I don't think they've seen Phantom though and so it's not really a fair assessment.)
17.08.12 - Yesterday's praise somewhat neutralised by someone throwing an egg at me whilst out for lunch. Goldsworth said it's like that scene in Braveheart but I've no idea which one he means.
18.08.12 - Have decided to take up jogging as I have the day off today.
19.08.12 - Wasn't meant to be having the day off, didn't know. We'd sold well apparently too. The venue staff sent everyone packing in an orderly fashion though - good to know the system works.
20.08.12 - Sore knee from jogging, sore teeth from eating. This is no life! Goldsworth revealed that one reviewer said my voice was irritating. He should have seen the show on the 13th!
21.08.12 - Was worried I'd lost this diary and tried to reconstruct from memory. When is the halfway party?
22.08.12 - Listening to a song about donkeys. Can't wait to go home now - completely sick of the show coupled with the worry that we're not going to get the flat deposit back. #stains
23.08.12 - Payday for the tech (I told him technically we shouldn't have to pay for things like this!)*
*Got punched in the groin.
24.08.12 - Finally we've finished! All in all, I'm delighted with how well it's gone. Right, I'm off to see The Hobbit!
25.08.12 - Turns out still have two more shows to do?! Whoops - similar situation to 18/19th, oh well. Also, The Hobbit isn't out until Christmas - what are they doing with that film?!
26.08.12 - I'm never doing this again.
Here's a trailer Mr Swallow filmed to promote his 2012 shows:
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