Margaret Thatcher: Don't Blame Dave!

Written by: Margaret Thatcher
Published: Friday 15th April 2016

Hello dears!

Margaret Thatcher here, former British Prime Minister and current global cabaret superstar.

Now, the last few weeks have been full of revelations: Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby discovered that the man he thought was his father was, in fact, not (making him even more like Jesus); Iain Duncan Smith discovered his conscience immediately before he discovered that no one in the country was prepared to believe that he had discovered his conscience; and, due to a controversial story about spousal abuse, many of us discovered that The Archers was still actually being broadcast.

But it's the news about David Cameron that has really taken the biscuit... then hidden half of the biscuit in an offshore trust, criticised others for not paying full tax on their biscuits, and then slowly admitted to the existence of the offshore biscuit trust after being exposed by journalists who discovered the wrapper under the sofa.

But should we really criticise the Prime Minister for this? 'Don't blame anyone else - blame me' Cameron said a few days ago, seemingly oblivious to the fact that everyone already was. Indeed, Jeremy Corbyn's Labour party has never been so united as they are in their condemnation of the PM, Lib Dem leader Tim Nice-But-Who-Gives-A-Shit called him 'morally murky' - characteristically strong words - and thousands of people who already wanted Cameron to resign took to the streets in the hope that this would seem like a good enough reason to once again call for his resignation.

But I write to you today, as a former Prime Minister and an honest, hard working tax payer, to put forward a very simple message - don't blame Dave!

Yes, you might call it hypocritical to own shares in a company that does exactly the same things that you've criticised other companies for doing, but only if you go by the dictionary definition of the word hypocritical. If you ignore that definition then all he's guilty of is everything else that was wrong about what he did. But as the Good Lord said, 'Let he who is without offshore investments write the first op ed piece in The New Statesman.'

Many Prime Ministers weren't 100% honest about their earnings. Winston Churchill insisted on being paid by the Treasury cash in hand then hid it all in his mattress. His most famous speeches about the Nazis were actually adapted from earlier ones about the Inland Revenue: 'we shall avoid taxes on the beaches, we shall avoid taxes on the landing grounds, we shall never surrender... our money' and 'never have so many owed so much to so few'.

Some people are angry that Cameron appears to have been dishonest when he said, 'We're all in this together' all those years ago. But he wasn't, you see what they don't understand is that when Dave said that, he was using the 'Prime Ministerial We'. Now, everyone knows about the 'Royal We' and that it actually means 'I', but what's less well known is the 'Prime Ministerial We' and that it actually means 'You', so when he said 'we're all in this together' what he actually meant was... well, you get the picture.

But he's been honest now and published his tax return, something I would have done too as Prime Minister, only I didn't want people to find out about my other income from my company 'The Iron Lady', through which I sold ironing boards on American television shopping networks. And yes, he hasn't published the returns for the years in which he actually owned shares in Blairmore - but look, what do you want from him? Blood? His first born child? Transparency?

Fundamentally, nothing of what David Cameron or his father did was technically illegal. And as with everything else that can be defended on the grounds that it's 'not technically illegal', like stoning people to death in Saudi Arabia, the conversation should end there and no further discussion should be had about whether or not it was wrong on an ethical level.

So he avoided some tax? Who cares? Can't we all please just get back to the more important issues at hand: ignoring the complaints of junior doctors, obsessing over what Kate Middleton's wearing, and endlessly debating about whether leaving Europe will turn the UK into a utopia the like of which we've never seen, or a post-apocalyptic dustbowl like the movie Mad Max (if it's the latter, I bagsie the role of Furiosa!).

Oh, and just for the record, no, I didn't pay tax on my earnings as a cabaret superstar over the last three years, but only because they amounted to the sum total of £523 - what can I say? The demand for former Prime Ministers singing show tunes isn't what it was - but I didn't avoid a penny! Well, apart from the millions I avoided by channeling other sources of income through a dummy company based in Jersey, but let's not be gauche and go into all that!

'Margaret Thatcher Queen of Soho' will be at the Udderbelly Festival, London on the 21st April, 19th May and 15th July. Follow @sohothatcher on Twitter and for tickets see www.udderbelly.co.uk

British Comedy Guide would like to thank Maggie's secretaries, Jon Brittain and Matt Tedford, for transcribing her words for us.