Lee Nelson interview

Lee Nelson is embarking on a tour of the UK with his new show. BCG caught up with the cheeky chap to find out how preparations are going.

You're looking a little smarter these days, Lee! What's behind the change in clothing?

That's right. I've ditched the shorts, cap and trainers and replaced them with a very expensive stolen suit. After I had my fourteenth child I felt it was about time I grew up a bit. So I'm bringing a new look, a new outlook and a brand new show for my nationwide Suited & Booted tour.

What's the message you've got for the wonderful British public on this tour?

To spread the love! That what this tour's all about. I cover all sorts of topics from politics, immigration and global warming to the dangers of the cowgirl position. It's definitely my best ever stand-up show and everyone's welcome to come along no matter who you are; old, young, girls, boy, even ginger people.

Are you looking forward to being out on tour? There must be quite a difference in the audiences between the likes of Tunbridge Wells and Runcorn...

I've never heard of either those places to be honest with you but I can't wait to get out on tour and learn all about the different towns in the UK. I don't know a lot about a lot of places to be honest. I know about London, I'm a Londoner, and about Reading, we had Reading classes at school.

Do you know which is the crappest town you'll be performing in then?

That's such difficult a question. There's just so many crap towns I'm playing it wouldn't be fair to just name one - but special mention goes to the whole of Wales.

We used to see your son on your TV show, how's he doing these days? He must be about to join secondary school by now? Will he be joining you on the tour at all?

I think he's doing well, although since I bought him a PlayStation he hasn't come out of his room for about two months so I've actually no idea. He won't be joining me on this tour as, last time I took him along, I got off stage and he'd had my entire rider. That's four cans of Red Bull and six bottles of Stella that I'm never getting back.

What about Omelette? Has he managed to lose any weight?

Omelette has actually put on weight and is now an even fatter legend which unfortunately means he's not on tour with me as he just can't fit in the car.

After having your own political dreams quashed by the BBC in South Shields, how will you be approaching the election in May?

Yeah, I stood to be an MP when David Miliband went off to America coz he was annoyed his brother was more popular than him (which must be well crushing) but I had to pull out after only a few hours as I was told you're not allowed to stand for election while you have a TV series on the BBC - I suppose it's to stop anyone from Top Gear ever getting into power. I was absolutely gutted as I was really looking forward to having a second home and claiming millions in expenses. I was tempted to stand again, I've always felt I've got what I takes to be Prime Minister ever since David Cameron left his kids in the pub.

I'm not sure if I'm even going to vote now. I did it four years ago and it was a right hassle queuing up for ages just and then having to put a cross next to every candidate you definitely don't want. They should do text voting, that'd be a load easier. If you want to vote for Cameron, you'd text 'BELLEND' to 111. If you want Miliband you'd text 'BELLEND' to 112. If you want to vote for Nick Clegg, you might as well text him direct he'd be so happy.

You're not a big fan of UKIP, are you?

The thing is they're telling us we've got too many foreigners in this country but I've done some research of my own and the there's actually a lot more foreigners in other countries. I agree with their policy on the Euro, I think getting the Euro will be bad for business, Poundland will be buggered.

How about The X Factor: after being so rudely removed from the stage last year, will you audition in 2015?

No, I've got my heart set on replacing Zayn in One Direction. I've now had the experience with Stereo Kicks and I've definitely got something that the rest of the band just don't have... pubes.

You used to feature renowned footballer Jason Bent on your TV series. What did you think of his omission from the recent England World Cup squad?

It was a disgrace and I think everyone can see that from our results at the World Cup that Roy made a huge mistake not taking him.

For tickets to see 'Lee Nelson: Suited & Booted', visit www.leenelson.com