BattleActs discuss the bad ideas coming from the audience

Written by: Phil Mann
Published: Wednesday 11th February 2015

I'm Phil Mann and I'm in the show BattleActs Improvised Comedy. It's a format that sees two teams of improvisers pitched against each other to battle it out for the audience's respect. Over the years that we've been running the show we've learnt a great deal of things: how to be competitive but supportive, making our jokes quick and efficient, and the limits of endurance for the average human body, as we jump all over each other during the show.

We've also learned a great deal from listening to our audiences. We have some incredibly supportive fans that we love very much and are always pleased to see at our shows. But there's always a few that want to come up and offer a bit of unwanted advice. Here's a list of some of the least helpful comments these uninvited 'comedy coaches' have supplied:

You should do a naked show

This is a really good idea, as nothing improves comedy like the flapping around of loose bits of skin. It also creates "hilarious" sound effects to go with every physical gag. Also our weird bodies are quite funny and the joke can be that we think we're really sexy when actually our crippling self-doubt prevents us from feeling that we are.

You should go on Live At The Apollo

This is a pretty good idea because Live At The Apollo has become stale and has a complete absence of a certain type of comedy: the type of comedy where a series of nobodies storm the stage and pull off Jason Manford's terribly upholstered shirt and get their jaws fractured by the friendly security staff.

You should write some jokes beforehand, make it easier...

This is a good idea because improv is really hard. However, reading is also really hard, so all the little bits of paper covered in jokes we'd staple to our skin would take us ages to read. Also we can't write any jokes, which is why we're in improv.

You should do it in America

This is a brilliant idea because then we could go away on a nice holiday and see all the cool American tourist hotspots like King Kong and the Cloverfield Monster and the Sex and the City Monsters as they tear through downtown New York. Also loads of people have got famous from improv comedy in America like Bill Murray (Second City), Amy Poehler (Upright Citizens' Brigade), and Tina Fey (Improv Olympic), so that'll definitely happen to us immediately. Like the threesome bit in Love Actually.

You should just do a Mock The Week sort of thing... You know, a panel show...

This is a fantastic idea because, at the moment, there is a danger of there not being 3 simultaneous over-lapping panel shows on TV at any given moment. Our idea for a panel show would be all the regular cast of panel shows all on the same team, having to answer questions from a judge as to why they thought this was a good idea... and they get to win the amount of money they make from being on panel shows.

You should lose the girls. Girls aren't funny.

This is a really good idea because most people who book comedy gigs are massive sexists who hate putting women on the stage. We're more likely to get booked then because everyone hates women in comedy. Also, hopefully the world will collapse soon under the weight of its own terrible sexism, and we'd welcome the sweet embrace of death.

You should probably think about getting a real job. What are you, 30?

31. Loads of people have stupid, childish jobs like firemen, doctors or astronauts, so I don't feel that bad.

You should do an 8 o'clock show instead, my train is at half 9.

Trains are really cool. I think more people should go look at trains rather than comedy. They even have comedy trains now like Thomas the Tank Engine and the Hogwarts Express (A hog! with Warts! hysterical.)

You should get a celebrity in

This is a wonderful idea because most celebrities are money-grabbing egoists who would welcome any opportunity to flaunt their fame and fortune in front of plebs like us. We've asked Phillip Schofield, who has said he will do it so long as he can ride around on a skateboard that looks exactly like his hair and do a kick flip off the top of Brendan's head.

You should do a naughty one where all the suggestions are 'dildo', 'bell-end' & 'sex'

This is an inspired idea, as that is literally what comedy is. As Mel Brooks once said: "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk in to an open bell-end and die."

You should go on Britain's Got Talent.

We love Britain's Got Talent, nothing makes us happier than the wailing, sycophantic cries of people with dead family members attempting to get 10 minutes of fame off the back of the fact that they can make a dog jump off their back.

What a load of amazing ideas. Thanks everyone.

We still have no good comeback for "Oh you're a comedian are yer? Tell us a joke, then."

BattleActs will be performing at Vault Festival in London on Wednesdays to Sundays, from the 18th February to 1st March. For more details and tickets visit vaultfestival.com

The online home for BattleActs is battleacts.co.uk