Edinburgh Fringe
Funniest Joke Of The Fringe 2024 won by Mark Simmons
- U&Dave's Funniest Joke Of The Fringe 2024 has been won by Mark Simmons
- His joke is: "I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but I bottled it"
- He says: "I needed some good news as I was just fired from my job marking exam papers, can't understand it, I always gave 110%"
Mark Simmons has been named the winner of U&Dave's Funniest Joke Of The Fringe contest.
The Top 15 jokes are:
I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons
I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook
Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn't great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson
I sailed through my driving test. That's why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith
I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons
My dad used to say to me "Pints, gallons, litres" - which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel
British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby
I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham
My partner told me that she'd never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr
The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel
I'm an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are 'there there'.
- Sarah Keyworth
I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift
Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall
Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch
This is the 15th year of the contest. The competition involves an industry panel combing the festival to compile a longlist of jokes, which are then put to a survey of 2,000 members of the public. To ensure that there is no bias towards well-known comedians, the jokes are voted on with no reference to the comedian that wrote and performed the lines - meaning it is purely judged on the humour of the jokes themselves.
Mark Simmons - More Jokes is at The Liquid Rooms at 1:45pm each day. Having got into comedy after his friend convinced him to do an open mic night, Simmons has been performing shows at the festival since 2014. He has previously appeared in the Joke of the Fringe list three times.
He says: "I'm really chuffed to win U&Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe. I needed some good news as I was just fired from my job marking exam papers, can't understand it, I always gave 110%."
Cherie Hall, U&Dave channel director, says: "We are ecstatic to announce this year's winner of U&Dave's Joke of the Fringe, Mark Simmons, and their winning joke. This year's Top 15 list features a hilarious blend of jokes that are sure to keep us laughing until the next Joke of the Fringe!"