Phil Ellis: Top 10 Edinburgh Festival survival tips

Written by: Phil Ellis
Published: Monday 24th July 2023

Phil Ellis is celebrating the ten year anniversary of his first Edinburgh Fringe show. Now he's officially a veteran of the festival, we asked him to offer up some tips to newer performers, to help them survive and maybe even thrive at the festival too. Here's what he delivered. Please don't take legal action against Phil or us if these suggestions for some reason don't work out for you.

1. Choose a theme and stretch that theme out for an entire hour

This is possibly the most important thing for a performer to do. You may have painted yourself into a corner with your strong theme and poster image but, by God, you have to make the entire hour long show revolve around that thin premise. What's that? Your best stand-up bit about online dating doesn't fit in with your show's larger theme of Medieval Europe's feudal system? Well, you'd better fucking make it fit, hadn't you?!

2. Learn to drink heavily

Now I believe this to be the most important aspect of the fringe. You must spend all those hard earned pound coins and contactless card payments on alcohol.

As soon as your show finishes (or, if it's a late show, 3pm onward) you must start drinking. Don't drink? Start! Allergic? Sort yourself out!

It's the only way you can bond with fellow comics and learn more about the industry. Yes, it can have adverse effects but who cares? You'll be too drunk to realise that you've just pissed in an Espresso Martini that belongs to the chief exec of Channel Funny.

3. Pretend that you'll go to see other people's shows

We all know that the worst thing about the Edinburgh Festival is the shows. There's way too many and way too few of them are any good. The last thing you want to be doing whilst you're there is watching a friend's unique take on Macbeth, bringing it up to date by setting it in a call centre. Or watching a mate's one person show that's a Harry Potter/Marvel mash up that's actually all about their inability to hold down a relationship.

How do you get around this? You lie. Not only do you lie about wanting to go, you just lie and pretend that you've already been. It's dead easy to do, just tell them that you snuck in at the back quietly so you wouldn't put them off and then agree that the audience were strangely flat that day and, yes, the low attendance probably was due to the weather. It's definitely the most important thing to do.

4. Come from money

I think my most important tip would be to come from money. I made the massive mistake of being working class when I first went to Edinburgh and, my God, that's an uphill struggle. Firstly, you have to work before going up and actually save money so you can pay for the extortionate costs. If I'd have known that even after all every review and article would just describe me as a "Northern Club Comic", I probably would've stayed down the pit with my pies and Kestrel.

5. Lie about your age

As a 32 year-old comic and online sensation, I can honestly say that pretending you're at least 9 years younger than you are is essential to your success. I started stand-up when I was 11 and had to juggle homework, a paper round, Scouts, a drug addiction and travelling to Grantham on a Friday to perform a free 10 minute try out spot in The Grantham LOL Hut Comedy Tent. Why do I look so old? I grew up near a pylon on a diet of asbestos.

6. Learn to improv

"What do you do for a living? Retail? Nonce!"

Now I may have made that bit of improvised audience banter look easy but it's the most difficult and important skill a comedian can learn. It can take years of practice to get it just right.

"You two a couple? Fuck me, someone's punching!"

Don't attempt the above too soon, best to walk before you start running like us pros. One day you may even be able to attempt this one:

"Where you from? Sorry? No I'm sorry."

Very important.

7. Always steal material from newer acts

Goes without saying this one. I've got most of my best bits from new acts I've seen at gong shows that I never thought would stick with comedy or advance past the amateur stage. Sometimes this can really work out well and I've gathered some amazing 5 minute bits of stand-up. Believe it or not, my famous skit about growing up on a farm in Norway and having to deal with being so blonde, was stolen. I added a few bits and changed the name of course, so it's basically mine now.

8. Have a non-terminal illness

I think the most important thing for a performer to have in Edinburgh is a non-terminal illness or low-level mental health problem. It can really make your comedy CV and online bio really pop.

Nothing too depressing but something fun like a dash of ADHD or number dyslexia is always a nice addition to any comedian's arsenal.

Before I started comedy I made the massive mistake of receiving treatment for my crippling OCD as it was taking me almost an hour to leave the house sometimes. Had I known that, later in life, I would become a stand-up comedian, I wouldn't have bothered seeking treatment.

OCD wasn't really much use to me when I worked in an airbags factory, but now I could have used that illness as the basis for an hour long show and monetised it. On the plus side, none of my taps and door handles are broken from being checked constantly.

Also, thanks to Covid, most of my rituals and anxieties regarding infection have returned so I've started washing in Ajax again. Fingers crossed for a full-blown relapse in time for next year's show.

9. Hammer the socials

Want people to come to your show?

Don't care if they don't actually like well-crafted stand-up or cleverly structured narratives?

Not bothered if they can string an intelligible sentence together?

Indifferent about them thinking that making fun of a man's shirt on the front row of a gig is genius and brutal?

Then a social media audience is for you. Get your arse on TikTok pal!

Haven't got an idea? Does not matter. Here's some templates that you can use for some online content (Don't forget to inject your "personality" into them):

VIDEO YOURSELF WATCHING SOMEONE ELSE'S ORIGINAL CONTENT, WHILST YOU PULL A CONFUSED FACE AND TAKE THE PISS OUT OF IT.

SKETCHES

These are perfect for hits! Load of hits coming your way and all you need is a Biro.

FILM YOURSELF TALKING AND FACING IN ONE DIRECTION.

THEN YOU CUT TO YOU AGAIN (BUT IN A DIFFERENT SHIRT WITH A MOUSTACHE DRAWN ON IN BIRO) FACING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

THEN SIMPLY REACT TO WHATEVER YOU SAID WHILST YOU WERE FACING THE OTHER WAY. IT'S DEAD CLEVER AND DEAD SIMPLE. HIT HEAVEN AWAITS!

Here's some sketch ideas:

Please note: you don't have to be in these locations. Just use these as titles for the videos and that'll do all the heavy lifting for the narrative, then just let those natural funny bones of yours do their thing.

Sir Walter Raleigh not buying a round in a modern day pub.

Sir Walter Raleigh not sharing his crisps in a modern day pub.

Shakespeare not being able to use the photocopier at work in a modern day office.

William Shakespeare being late for work in a modern day office.

Oliver Cromwell trying to complain about a Deliveroo order in modern day.

William Shakespeare in an Uber in modern day

10. Hair plugs

Get hair plugs.