Patrick Susmilch: I'm from Los Angeles and I just learned what rain is

Written by: Patrick Susmilch
Published: Wednesday 26th July 2023

Hello, I'm visiting Edinburgh from Los Angeles this Fringe and I just learned it will rain during my stay. LA has been in a historic drought for over ten years, so I have no idea how to prepare for rain. I'm used to wildfire ash plumes, rolling blackouts, and earthquakes, but water from the sky? How do you deal with that?

I'm not completely flying blind here; I have seen rain in LA... in movies like Blade Runner. Everyone had a cool umbrella to deal with the rain. Normally, I see umbrellas used for protection against Southern California's extreme ultraviolet radiation, but it looks like they can also provide shade against rain. So where do I get one? Will one be assigned to me at the airport? Does the umbrella choose me like the wands in Harry Potter? Or is it like a Jedi's lightsaber and I have to build my own?

I will need to invest in more practical clothing. Normally, my outfits are based on vibe, and I've never experienced a soggy vibe. Do people just wrap themselves in plastic? I think I could wrap my legs by myself, but once I get to my torso and arms, though, I'll need a friend. Do people have plastic pals that help them wrap-up to go outside? Actually, plastic pals reminds me that I have a rubber suit I wear to certain Hollywood parties. It's proven to be very fluid-resistant so I think I have clothing covered, actually.

In LA we're really about assertiveness, so here is my question: what happens if I say "no" to the rain? Has anyone tried this? Maybe if I tell the rain to leave me alone... it will? Maybe rain is only an inevitability because we accept it is inevitable. Let's manifest ourselves free of rain! Oh, I'm told this is "very stupid" and "not at all how rain works." Well, I still have my rubber body suit and homemade umbrella. Bring on the soggy vibes!