Mad Ron's tips to stay out of trouble in Edinburgh

Uxbridge's 3rd hardest man, Mad Ron, has some tips for BCG readers heading to the festival...

1. If someone tries to slap you in the face, before retaliating, stop and think - it might just be someone trying to give you a flyer for a 6th form play that their mum said deserved 5 stars.

2. Try and blend in. You are at an arts festival so any normal clothes will stand out. That doesn't mean wearing a kilt. My go-to is orange trousers. Dressed like that you'd be banned from my local, but in Edinburgh they'll think you are one of the performers and probably buy you a pint.

3. If you don't want to draw attention to yourself then don't sit in the front row of a comedy gig. Those comedians are like the police with their incessant questions. The front row of any respectable Edinburgh show should be empty.

If you do find yourself in the firing line, you need an alias and a back story. You could say you are a charity worker. They leave you alone. Don't ever say you are a reviewer or in any way involved in commissioning shows. Comedians are known to rise up, swarm and fixate on such a target to the point that specialist exterminators are needed. Late at night you can see reviewers cowering in doorways while packs of hunting comedians prowl and descend on them, begging for 5 star reviews and validation for their art.

4. The key is not to get triggered. The biggest trigger wherever you are is being overcharged for crap beer. I always try to drink in flat roofed pubs whenever I can (the beer's cheaper and there's less chance of being bored to death by a cocktail drinking numbskull) but there aren't many in Edinburgh so you have to pick and choose. Avoid anything with a neon sign. That's an extra £1 on your pint. Avoid anything that has a five star hygiene rating - the cleaning chemicals taint the taste of the beer.

5. Travelling around is difficult. Everywhere is crowded. Everyone is trying to get on a bus or in a taxi. I've found the best way of travelling around Edinburgh is by silent disco. I admit you do have to hold hands with a stranger but it's a small price to pay for speedy cross-town escapes, and with a bit of Chaz n Dave in the headphones you hardly notice.

6. If someone tells you the Fringe is an arts festival not just a comedy festival, just nod and agree. They are normally poets or dancers and you run the risk of being lectured in rhyming couplets or interpretive dance.

7. If you see someone on the Royal Mile surrounded by buckets and dust bins, wait for a couple minutes before chucking them a few quid. It is probably a hippy drummer but there's a good chance it could be a binman this year.