Ian Smith: Anxiety-free relationship advice

Written by: Ian Smith
Published: Monday 17th July 2023

Ian Smith's show this year focuses on various stresses. One of the biggest in life must be relationships, so we asked him to give us some advice.

Falling in love can be stressful. Perhaps you're better off just avoiding it all and living in the forest on a diet of berries, avoiding the prying eyes of the cruel schoolchildren who have given you the nickname The Berry Man. However, if you insist on getting into a relationship, here are some tips to try and avoid the emotional minefield of romance and get through it with all your emotional limbs intact...

Pick the season you excel in...

Increase your chances of making a good first impression by focusing all your attention on the season which suits you best and only meet someone in that period.

I, for example, am an autumn guy. I look terrible in summer clothes and I'm likely to be 40% sadder in the winter months - but in late September/early October I become something akin to a sexy lighthouse keeper, with thick jumpers and long coats making me look like a man with the physical strength to change a massive lightbulb, but also the emotional complexity to stare out at the brutality of the waves crushing against rocks while thinking about the world and its meaning.

In summer however, I look like a pale little schoolboy with a calcium deficiency waiting for his mum to pick him up from badminton practice. My hayfever making my eyes water so I look like my mum has actually forgotten to pick me up and I'm crying and snivelling on the side of the street, wiping my tears with the feather-end of a shuttle cock.

Focusing on one season allows you to put all of your money into one particular wardrobe style, and also hone in on the perfect conversation starters for that time of the year. Winter... "It's cold today isn't it?" "Do you get seasonal depression?" and "Are you excited about Christmas?"

Or, if you're a summer-person, how about... "It's hot today isn't it?" "Did you know the sun will eventually expand and kill all life on our planet if it isn't already dead by then anyway?" and "Are you excited about Christmas yet?"

Don't let your partner know you go to the toilet...

In the first month of a relationship you shouldn't let your partner see, hear or even get the impression you are going to the toilet. In an ideal world, if toilets are mentioned in any way, you will pretend you don't know what one is. If you see one on a TV show, say "What the hell is that?" Or "I'm sure I'd remember if I'd been somewhere like that!"

Now I know what you're thinking, you need to go to the toilet. Don't worry, this can be achieved quite simply with a series of distractions and cunning excuses - or, if you have the willpower, by simply not going until you cause yourself serious bodily harm (which I might add, should impress any lover).

There are many ways to go without someone knowing, for example I told my girlfriend that I had got some extra work as a secret shopper and had been given a toilet-based assignment and that every time I went to a public toilet I was actually receiving £50 to inspect the facilities.

After a month has passed you should feel safe enough to admit that you're just like everybody else. Is that the end of the stress? Jesus Fuck, no.

The first big presents...

A big test in a relationship is the first birthday or Christmas. I cannot stress this enough - YOU HAVE TO GET THIS/THESE PRESENT(S) RIGHT OR IT WILL ALL BE OVER. I hope that doesn't make you feel anxious, but at the same time, it should. You've got to get this right.

Throughout the beginning of your relationship, you should be making notes of anything they say that could be a gift. "I could really do with a new bread knife", "I wish I had a pet bird" or "I love watching The News At 10" for example - get them written down into your gift pad (any standard lined notepad will do) or subtly email it to yourself. They'll be over the moon when they unwrap a bread knife, a pigeon you captured and a signed picture of Clive Myrie.

In one instance I didn't have my phone or a writing pad on me and I had to quickly get a tattoo so I could remember. I'm still saving to get "wants Reebok trainers" removed from my midriff. You can collect these notes and months later you'll look like an incredibly thoughtful partner with a great memory and no one needs to know you're an anxious wreck with 35 tattoos that have slowly turned your body into a human version of the Argos catalogue.

And remember, when the role is reversed, you must say, "you don't need to get me anything". You must find the right side of a very delicate balance though - you have to say it enough that you look like a great person, but not so much that they actually don't get you anything.

There you have it. If that doesn't make you feel less stressed about falling in love, I don't know what will.

If you found this useful or entertaining and would like to hear more, the subject of the anxiety of falling in love makes up about 5 minutes of my Edinburgh Fringe show. The rest is about other stresses - and ultimately about why I went to Slovakia with my hairdresser to drive over a car with a tank. If you like the sound of that, I'd love to see you there. I like peppermint slices if you'd like to make a note and bring me a gift.